If you're my age or older, then you probably grew up in a time when the extent of making sure kids were protected from being exploited, stolen, or molested was making sure they knew the "stranger/danger" rules. You know: Don't Talk To Strangers, Don't Go Anywhere By Yourself, Always Tell An Adult If You've Been Approached By A Stranger, Don't Take Anything (whether it be candy or a cute little puppy) From Strangers, Etc. These rules kept us safe. These rules made our parents feel safer. They worked...for the most part. But the rules have changed. They've had to in today's technology driven society.
Most of you know that I work with teenagers on a weekly basis. I am a youth worker at our church and I work closely with a teenage girls ministry. Because of this I've had to educate myself over the years about the dangers and risks our kids are exposed to. One of the biggest concerns parents, educators, mentors, etc. have to deal with today is TECHNOLOGY. It's everywhere. It's accessible. And our kids know how to find, use it, and move on to the next new thing before we've even got a grasp on the last tech fad. And here's the disturbing part: people who target our kids for exploitation of any kind, know this, and are keeping up with them.
In the last decade alone we've seen the popularity explosion of social media sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Xanga, Tumblr, Instagram, etc. And for the most part we probably view them as harmless fun. But if you look at the news, with the growth of these sites we've also seen an increase in issues like cyber-bullying (and bullying in general), sexting, kids posting pics of themselves in provocative dress/pose or even nude, chat rooms dedicated to flirting and hooking up, etc. And if you're teen is involved in any of these risky behaviors (with or without your knowledge, let's face it, they know how to keep things hidden just like we did growing up), then you can bet there's a chance they've come into contact with a "creeper" (someone who definitely is looking to take advantage).
We live in a time where online safety is a huge issue. And while there have been huge successes in legislating Internet and technology safety laws and statutes, and many big names have championed the platform and brought awareness and education to the public, many kids are still at risk. They're at risk because we as parents, role models, etc., have to be more active in protecting them.
We have to teach them why privacy settings are important and how to use them. We have teach them why accepting friend requests from strangers or even people they barely know is risky and how to respond. We have to teach them why it's never a good idea to post when we are out of town, when we are home alone, where we are going without our parents, etc. We have to physically sit down with them and talk about relationships, flirting, modesty, dating, gossip, etc. Otherwise, what they know is what they experience...online. Oh, and we have to model this for them ourselves. Because if we aren't doing it, you can bet they'll ignore everything we say and who can blame them?
As a new parent myself (baby boy will arrive in just a couple of months!), I was suddenly faced with the realization that I needed to figure out how I was going to protect my own child online. I believe it has to start now with how I choose to use the Internet. I use all the privacy settings, I make sure that I actually know the people on my friends list or have a connection with them through ministry, etc. I even clean out my friends lists periodically to make sure I haven't gained a few "spam accounts" as friends or delete people that I never talk to or see in person, etc. I post pictures and photo albums all the time. And until recently, I didn't really pay attention or care about what happened to those pictures once friends and family had access to them.
It hit me all of a sudden when I saw that my mom had shared an album of mine to her own Facebook wall. Then she shared it to my dad's Facebook wall. Now I had no problem with that whatsoever. It was just some maternity pictures my sister and I had taken together and she was understandably excited to share them with all of her friends. In fact, I had already planned on sharing the album to her but she saw them come up in her newsfeed before I was finished arranging my album.
I'm not sure I would have thought any more about it except that in that moment I realized...I thought I had set the privacy setting on that to the one where only my friends could see these pictures. I very specifically used the custom privacy setting for friends only and turned off the option that friends of friends could view the album. But obviously mom had shared the album and now her friends were liking and commenting on them on her page. People I didn't personally know now had access to pictures of me.
What the heck, Facebook? I can set my privacy settings all I want but ultimately, anyone who can see my pictures can do whatever they want with them. My immediate thought was for the outrageous number of pictures I had just posted of my nephew (my newest obsession). My next thought was for my own son and any pictures I might post of him later on.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love that my mom was proud of her girls and excited enough that she wanted to share the pictures of us. And I love that she's excited about being grams and wants to show everyone how adorable her grand kids are (Wyatt is undeniably the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I have no doubts that my son will be just as deliciously precious). BUT, there was this little inkling of doubt in my mind about the safety of her friends list.
My mom is a "friend maker". She has a huge heart and loves to take people under her wing and be their friend. She is a member of every group ever invented on Facebook I think. Because she loves to meet people and learn new things. This has and always will be an admirable quality of hers. I don't make friends easily and I hope that her openness and friendliness will be something my child inherits from her.
My concern lies in that many of the people she's "met" in these groups have graduated up to her friends list. She's never actually met these people in person (many are even international) and she only knows them online. In her mind, they are her friends. They would never be bad people or people that would take advantage of her kids/grand kids. She would never put us or our kiddos in danger.
And I know that this is true about her...but what she doesn't really understand is that it's not about my not trusting her judgement. It's about me knowing that who a person says they are online can be anything they want and doesn't necessarily mean that they are who they say they are in reality.
Mom grew up in the "stranger/danger" era. She raised kids in the "stranger/danger" era. But the "stranger/danger" era didn't account for the Internet or online friends or Facebook. So understandably, she never thought about the implications of allowing people that don't personally know her in the real world access to pictures of her kids/grand kids. And obviously, I didn't think about it either until just that minute.
Now, I know that I can never 100% protect my kid from the dangers this twisted and wicked world holds for him. I know that someday, somehow, he will be exposed to something terrible and heartbreaking for this mama. I know that eventually I have to let go of him and trust the Lord to guide his steps. But I also know that just because I trust the Lord, it doesn't mean that I should sit back and do nothing. That would be stupid. And anyone who says differently is an idiot. The Lord can protect us by instilling cautious instincts and providing appropriate boundaries too.
So as I pondered just how I was going to raise this child in a Facebook drenched world, and how on earth I was going to do the best I could to protect him from harm as far and as long as it was possible for me to do so, I had to think about boundaries I wanted to put in place for him and my family. I know that I can use my privacy settings to allow only certain people to see my pics (instead of all of my friends). I know that my husband can do the same.
But did I have any right to ask others to execute certain precautions, i.e. our immediate families? Well, boundaries are about loving people the best that we can. So, knowing that I love our family and they love us, I decided that at least opening a dialogue with them about this would be an OK option.
I came up with a few things that I thought might help my Facebook conundrum:
1. If you take the picture, I can't tell you what to do with it. That's up to you. It's yours. (This is me trusting the Lord.)
2. If I take the picture and share it to you, then I by default have given you leave to do what you want with it. (Again, me trusting...)
3. If you are looking at pictures that I have posted but not shared directly to you, then I only ask that you check with me before sharing it yourself. Or if you see a pic that you love and think your friends would love, by all means, ask me to share it to you and if I feel it's appropriate I will do so. (Hey, look at all this trust going on...)
I sent these possibilities on to our family with an explanation of why and how, etc., and asked them what they thought.
Some were upset and offended that I would try to restrict them or question their trustworthiness or the trustworthiness of their friends. These even went so far as to say they would never even look at my pictures again, that if I wanted them to see them, then I could just share them to them myself, etc. (Obviously a bad start to my first efforts.)
Others fully supported my attempt to come up with a solution but cautioned me not to let "new mother fear" rule my decisions. (OK, a little better response, but seemingly, my intent was still lost.)
Some saw the logic in it but didn't want to actually have to go to the "trouble" of all of that. (Really? it makes sense, but you don't want to have to actually do it? That was a sad little thought.)
Others thought I was loony toons and should work out some of my trust issues. (They've apparently failed to notice how much I have worked on these things in counseling the last couple of years.)
So basically, I had just either severely upset members of my family unintentionally, or caused others to question my ability to think rationally just because I'm preggers and this is my first biological kid. (Never mind my decade of experience working with kids and in several instances being the only "parent" they had.) Great.
As I was pondering through these responses/reactions I did eventually think,'I could just never post pictures on Facebook.' But honestly, I've fallen into that trap of Facebook being the only way to communicate with certain members of my family. They either live too far away and/or we don't see each other often, or I don't even have a clue what their email address is (and neither do some of them! They only got an email account so they could get on Facebook and don't remember how to access it!). So yeah...Facebook really is just the easiest way to do it. And my first attempt at Facebook boundaries was shaping up to be a disaster. Now what?
I'm honestly not sure. I could possibly create a private group and only allow family and close friends to access it. But that doesn't solve my problem of grandparents wanting to share pictures. I wish it were as easy as saying,' if you took it, you post it'. But Andrew's parents live in Florida. Most of the pictures they get will be ones we take and share with them. My parents don't have a camera. So again, unless we share it with them, they won't have pics of their own. And naturally, they all have family and friends they want to share with too. I don't want to keep them from that.
Perhaps I am overreacting as some family members implied. Maybe I should just get over it and post pictures and not worry about where those pictures go and who accesses them. And maybe I should never have tried to set the boundary with anyone other than myself and my husband. I don't know. Now I'm in a quandary. I don't know what the best solution is or if there even is one.
What do I know? That my parents never had to even think about this and I am incredibly jealous. And someday, my kid may have to think through situations that I never had to either. For that I apologize now, kiddo. And if I don't understand at first, please remind me of the great Facebook Fiasco of 2012.
So, I'm back where I started. How do I teach and model online safety and protection of privacy for my kid starting now? What does it look like? How do I pour the foundation for his future safety?
I hate when a question only leads to more questions...
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