Out of the Darkness

I feel like I am on the cusp of something. Something big. And something so separate from me that I am so not ever going to be prepared for it. I feel like God is about to totally, completely, and for maybe the first time ever going to wholly sweep me away. I am begging Him to do it too. Even though I'm scared and nervous and unsure. Even as I write this I am torn between the two emotions of wanting God so deeply and desperately and wanting to run for the nearest hiding place. Now I know how Adam and Eve felt in garden. You know that moment when they realized the fullness of their disobedience and heard God calling to them? I desperately want Him to fix me, to take me in His arms and tell me exactly what went wrong and then heal me. I also desperately want to hide and cover myself with "fig leaves" and come up with a REALLY good story to get myself out of this mess. Ha ha. Yeah, because that worked out well for Eve too. :) Ah, well, original mother like descendant daughter, I suppose.
I guess I'm saying all of this to make this point. God is going to be doing some deep, crazy, stretching and pulling in my life over the next few months and as always, He is calling me to tell my story. It's what I do. It's what He created me for. To tell a story, a story of truth. So I'm about to get real honest with you folks. And some of you will be shocked. Some of you will worry. Some of you will be my biggest source of encouragement and support. And some of you will get angry, get disappointed, get sad, and maybe walk away forever. But that's OK. Because I am a Truth-speaker and when God tells me to speak, who am I to say, No, Lord, not me?
For the first time ever, I am going to start telling my whole story. Every part of it. Because God is saturated in it. And He wants to tell His side of it.
To those who have always been my prayer warriors: start praying please.
To those who have spoken Truth and Wisdom over me: :) Get ready.
To those who need to hear this story: I am praying for you.
To those who will hate every step of this: I'm sorry. I forgive you. Please forgive me. I'm praying for you too. And I love you. Please know that.
To my husband: Thank you for holding my hand and walking this path with me. You have no idea how much it means. I'm so very glad that God wrote you into His love story for me.
(And here I sit, staring at what I have written. I'm tempted to scroll to the bottom of the page and hit discard, to pretend that I never wrote this. And as I sit here, my Father says to me, Have Courage, for I am with You. So I will hit publish and have a moment of freaking out and then the God of peace will plant a sweet Kiss on my forehead and I will step boldly into the Sunshine.)

*Originally written and posted via Facebook Notes, Feb. 26,2010