Walking in Freedom- The Journey to Fearless

Romans 8:14-17 (ESV)


For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Wow. There is a lot of good stuff in there. As I read this verse, I am reminded of what God was teaching me in my last post: about freedom breaking the bonds of fear. Because of the freedom Christ won for me, I am able to stand fearlessly in the face of the Enemy. And look, Paul says the same thing here in Romans 8: For you did not receive a spirit of SLAVERY TO FALL BACK INTO FEAR, but you have received the SPIRIT OF ADOPTION AS SONS [DAUGHTERS] and the Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God!

That being said, the enemy may try to draw me back into the chains of fear, but Christ won my freedom! And because I am free in Christ, I am never again subject to the slavery of fear! We have a shield against the Enemy’s attempts too: The Holy Spirit will bear witness with our spirit that we are children of God. He will remind us of the freedom we now walk in and at what price it was bought. He will remind us that when Christ shed His blood, it afforded us His title as a child of God, we were adopted by His Father and now share in His inheritance: FREEDOM.

Does this mean that everything will always be easy and I will not suffer any longer? No. Because of Christ’s sacrifice and our new identities in Him, the Enemy will try that much harder to bring us down. Sometimes, things will be bad. Sometimes, life will be hard. But there is HUGE difference between life in fear and life in Christ. Life lived in fear will be bleak, miserable, and heavy. Life lived in Christ means that we are walking in freedom, no longer held back or held down by fear. We will be truly free and truly fearless because no matter what life brings, we know without a shadow of a doubt that the Enemy has lost and CANNOT WIN. Christ has defeated fear and calls us to walk alongside him: FEARLESS.

Fears- Beginning the journey to Fearless

So, I've been supposed to be working on some material for Fearless...the next retreat series for I.D. Ministries. I'm not gonna lie. I have been ignoring it. You see, I'm a pretty fearful girl. I don't know that I can handle being fearless. I want to be. I do. But, I'm afraid that being fearful will be easier than being fearless. Anyone else seeing how deeply the Enemy has lied to me? I have fallen for it too, head over heels. Just as my mother, Eve, did. This is a problem. Commence Operation Walking in Freedom.

I realized that in order for my fearlessness to be developed, I needed to believe something else: that I am FREE. That means walking in the freedom Christ won for me on the cross. That also means confronting the Enemy and my fears head on with Truth. So as I confronted a few personal fears this morning, the first piece of writing that I've gotten stuck in my head in awhile started flowing from my pen.

It's a little rough(and by rough, I mean, really kind of horrible), but it's honest. It's also the first bit of 'poetry' that I've written in almost a year. I'm not sure I like it. But, Jesus told me to share it. So here it is, my honest prayer:

When it rains, it pours,
and all I feel is cold.
I'm drowning in my fears,
and it's more than life I'll lose.
When will you see my pain?
When will it speak to you?

When the sun comes out again,
I know I'll see the change,
but Lord, it's hard to wait,
I just wanna hear You call my name.
So pick us up and hold us close,
heal the wounds until they're closed.

Whisper Truth and certainty,
and teach us all Your ways.
Because the fear is crowding in,
and I can't stand to fall again.
So pick us up and hold us close,
until we're whole in You again.

Fooshee Family Gathering 2010: AKA the Kayaking Debacle

This past weekend Andrew and I headed to Broken Bow, OK to spend time with some of Andrew's family...the Fooshee side to be exact. Tammy and Matt flew down as well and the group consisted of the 4 of us Bancrofts who were able to make it (Charlie was finishing up camp), Grandpa and Grandma Fooshee (Tammy's parents), Aunt Kathy (Tammy's sis) and Uncle Bob, Cousin Gina, Cousin David and his adorable wife Genevieve, Uncle Mike (Tammy's bro) and Aunt Misti and their children (+one friend), 16 people all together.

Aunt Kathy and Uncle Bob rented a cabin and we all hung out (the Bancrofts for the weekend, the others for a little longer). Sunday morning was planned for the big river excursion. Aunt Kathy announced that she'd booked us Kayaks and we'd be floating down the river that day. That should have been my first warning, the second one should have been when the Bancroft side of the family all joked about Courtney having an "accident".

The float trip started out pretty successfully and before long we were all pretty capable of guiding the kayaks down the river. Mountain Fork River mind you is a pretty calm river and pretty perfect for float trips, especially for those of us not quite up to more exciting trips that involve navigating extreme rapids.

Many of us spent more time in the water than in the boats, but we were having fun. I only got stuck a couple of times and made it down the water fall (very small) without too much difficulty. In fact, towards the end of the trip, I was pretty proud that I had yet to fall completely over or out of the kayak and I still had completely dry hair! I was looking forward to those good hair after pics. That should have been my 3rd warning.

By the end of the river, the majority of the group had gone ahead quite a ways down the river...that's right the 4 Bancrofts were bringing up the rear,ha-ha. We'd worked really hard by that point and felt that letting the river float us the rest of the way was a great reward. Matt and I were a little bit ahead of Tammy and Andrew (does that really surprise anyone who knows us both? Lol.) and were having a nice leisurely conversation (sort of...for us anyway ;)). In fact, Matt and I could no longer see the group ahead or the mom/brother team behind us.

No sooner had we commented on how calm and smooth this particular bend of the river seemed than it picked up speed at a surprising rate. Now, I'm not sure exactly how we got ourselves in this mess but Matt and I somehow ended up headed for the only opening in the bend at the exact same speed and angle only from opposite directions. I noticed, with some concern, that to get to the end of the river, we needed to curve past a bank of rocks with a huge tree growing in the middle of the river, and through a 4 foot wide gap connected to another bank of rocks. We were not going to be able to go through at the same time.

I suggested Matt try and squeeze through first. He thought maybe I should go. I thought I could see how to go without too much trouble and agreed. And here's where we got in trouble. We tried to make a plan. Bancroft family trend: our plans fail. Epically.

We were still discussing the best way to get through the gap when the river picked up speed once again. We were moving pretty quickly now. And I wasn't quite ready. Neither was Matt.

I was trying to angle my kayak just right when I noticed that at the angle Matt was floating, he was probably going to hit the back of my kayak and mess my angle up. I was still trying to figure out to remedy this when the inevitable disaster happened. (Matt would probably like to interject right about now that me trying to figure out angles was the whole problem...considering he was the only reason I passed geometry).

See, I kinda forgot to keep paddling while I was watching Matt and my boat drifted. As I glanced back up, I realized I was about to hit some rather large rocks. I quickly threw my paddle out in front of me thinking that if I could use my paddle to bounce me away from the rocks, then I'd be ok. Ha-ha. Yeah. As you'll see, we Bancrofts had real bad ideas all around about how to use the paddles to our benefit. The paddle flew out of my hand and my boat hit the tree with great speed and force, horrible combination those two.

The impact with the tree threw me out of my boat and I smacked face first into the tree. The tree didn't like this too much, so it threw me into the water. At this point, my kayak lodged on the massive rock and I was now submerged beneath it.

Now the smack from the tree disoriented me a little and I remember opening my eyes and seeing the boat stuck on top of me. You'd think that this would panic me. I remember being alarmed, but thinking, fairly calmly I might add," OK...that boat has to move or I'm in trouble."

After struggling to get the boat to move, I realized that the situation might be a little more serious than I thought. I pushed against it a few times, but the river was very deep and I only succeeded in pushing myself deeper and the boat didn’t move. I was also stuck between the rocks and couldn't see where to get around the boat. This is when I started to panic slightly. I remember telling myself to think and to not start thrashing around in the water or I'd use up my breath.

By then Matt had managed to get to me and the boat was no longer on top of me. But that tree hit me harder than I thought, because the second I bounced up and took a breath I got disoriented again and couldn't tell up from down. I kept trying to turn my face into the water instead of out of it. This resulted in my breathing in a bit of river and I started coughing. The water was in my face and I couldn't see. Frantically I started trying to keep myself floating (you know the drill...c'mon swim lessons...bicycle man!!).

The next thing I know, the back of my head cracked against a rock...or so I thought at the time. Actually, my rock was Matt's attempt at using the paddle to his benefit :). He was trying to get me to grab it so he could pull me to safety. He didn't realize that I couldn't see him. He successfully whacked me on the back of the head.

After the paddle failed him, Matt realized he was going to have to try and grab me or I was going to drown for real. So, somehow, Matt got close enough and made a grab...he got my head. Better than nothing at all I suppose ;). He pulled me up enough to cup my face and keep it out of the water and then got his kayak through the gap and further down the river.

About a minute later, the current slowed down enough for him to grab my arm and position me more safely against the side of the kayak. It was still deep and fairly swift moving water though and I was just gonna have to ride that way.

I think Matt thought I was hysterical at first because I busted out laughing and couldn't stop. Honestly, I had just calmed down and was laughing at how ridiculous the situation was. I'd made it down the ENTIRE FREAKIN' river and wiped out in the last couple miles of the trip. It was pretty funny.

Eventually we made it to a shallow enough part of the river for me to try and stand up and for Matt to try and stop and make sure I was really ok. Some of our group was already waiting there. Apparently, they were just chilling waiting on us and my kayak, hat, paddle, life vest, and shoe (my CHACO!!! I was so happy I hadn't lost it!!) had come FLYING down the river without a person attached. They were waiting to see who and how bad it was. Lol.

As I was standing there thanking Jesus for my life (and my Chaco!) and Matt was explaining what happened to the rest of the group, Andrew and Tammy came floating around the bend. Matt took great joy in informing Andrew that he'd saved the life of his brother's wife.

My husband’s response was somewhere between: Yep, saw that coming and ARE YOU OK?!?!. Tammy's response: Oh my...Courtney...where's your boat? (Classic Tammy :)) Matt also fessed up to the whack on the head and I readily forgave him. I was just glad he'd been there to attempt my rescue. The rest of the family was appropriately concerned/amused and we moved on down the river to the pickup point.

All in all it was a good trip. Tammy says the Fooshee clan wants to make this an annual get together. I think they might be trying to kill me ;). Ok guys, I'm in...but next time...I'm wearing a helmet!!! Screw good hair!

Relationships Are the Flowers in the Garden of Life

Well. Sort of. Please forgive the cheesy title...but I really couldn't think of any other way to describe my line of thought. I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. In particular...healthy relationships, what they look like, and how to maintain them (or not).

Something I've found myself repeating consistently over the last couple of years is, "Relationships change. They constantly look different. And you have to be OK with that." It has almost become my mantra.

As I continue to 'grow up', I have noticed that I examine relationships in a different way. I weigh them. I determine their value. I check for signs of Life and Death in them. I ask myself:'Is this relationship healthy?'

That's where the analogy I drew my title from comes in to play. I began to think about relationships in view of how my relationship with Christ works. I love the picture of the vine Jesus paints in John 15. He describes beautifully the process of tending the vine and making it healthy enough to bear fruit. He painfully describes the process of getting rid of the unhealthy vine, tossing it away to burn in the fire.

One of my least favorite words in John 15 is 'pruning'. It literally brings out an involuntary physical reaction from me when I hear it. Usually a shiver through my spine and an exasperated 'ugh!' I tend to be pretty surly when the topic of pruning is brought up as well. Nikki Lokey once told me she can always tell when Jesus is pruning me because of my attitude. (Which I'll be the first to admit is usually a bad one.) She went on to tell me however, that while pruning is no fun, it usually produces an incredibly beautiful plant.

Encylopedia Brittanica Online's listing for pruning says this:

the removal or reduction of parts of a plant, tree, or vine that are not
requisite to growth or production, are no longer visually pleasing, or are
injurious to health or development of the plant.

I think we can all see the spiritual implications that Jesus was pointing out about his relationship to us, but do you see the implications to relationships in general? Ultimately, our relationships with others are to reflect the relationship modeled between ourselves and Christ. So if it's that important that He be pruning us and making us healthy, productive, and beautiful, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others need this as well?

If any of you actually pay attention to the things I post you will remember a note I posted on Facebook awhile back. I'd written the note after I read a book by Francine Rivers called Leota's Garden. In the note, I highlighted some of the Truths that Francine had so beautifully proclaimed in the book. Specifically, the process of pruning. Consider this:"A good pruning stimulates the right kind of growth. Same holds true with people." - Leota Reinhardt, Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers

Wise words. If our relationships with people are going to be healthy then we need to give ourselves a good pruning. And sometimes that means that the relationship may look different or even need to be cut off and removed completely. Will it be easy? No. Pruning is often hard, tiresome, and dirty work. Is it worth it? Yes. Being healthy is always worth it.

A word of warning though: Unskilled pruning can result in weakening the plant to the point of killing it. So before you start hacking off branches and hoping for the best, I suggest you start with asking God to prune you. And yes. I do happen to know exactly what I just said. Before you can do any worthwhile pruning in your relationships with others, you must make sure that your connection to the True Vine is healthy first. Otherwise, you will only have succeeded in landing yourself in the fire.

So, that's where I am right now. I have finally begun to maintenance my 'garden of relationships'. I am pruning and weeding and cultivating. But, the difference now is that I am also making sure that my relationship with Christ and others is healthy, fruitful, and pleasing to His eyes.


*(For further suggestions about how to create and maintain healthy relationships, there is a book called Boundaries by authors Cloud and Townsend. You may find it helpful. I haven't read it yet,frankly, because it scares the crap outta me, but I plan to soon. I have gleaned wisdom from its pages for years now through wise friends who have read the book.)

Sometimes Silence Speaks Louder

I have so much to say and no idea what to say at the same time. You know that cusp I was talking about in my first post? Wow, was I onto something. Rather, God was ;).

I've been waiting for Him to do something. It's been so long since I've heard from Him. And honestly I was getting a little angry with Him. I mean, how dare He ignore me, how dare He continue to bring up the same sore spot when He did talk to me, how dare He treat me this way after all I've done for Him?!! Oh boy. I am definitely Eve's daughter...

Last week was my one year wedding anniversary. Andrew and I decided to spend the week in Santa Fe, NM. I went into that week with a lot of expectations, hopes, and of course, fears. I had been looking forward to this trip as a sort of honeymoon, since our original "honeymoon" had only been for the weekend after our wedding.

Because I was in this honeymoon frame of mind, I envisioned this rekindling of emotions and passions that took place during our wedding...I also blocked out any memory of the amount of time we spent discussing and working through how to be married in the first place. Frankly, I was expecting perfection.

I was expecting all of my problems, issues, etc. to go away and never come back. I was expecting that the barrier between us communication-wise would disappear. I was expecting to not have to face any kind of conflict (which in this case would have been positive, but conflict in any form is scary!) or own up to any mistakes on my part, or to have to acknowledge that we have even had any kind of anything to "deal" with this year. I sure was expecting a lot. It's a good thing God often exceeds our expectations.

By Tuesday I had reached my limit for forced positivity and filtering my moods. I was cranky, tired, angry, stressed, unhappy and depressed. I had not set boundaries for my thought life that morning and as a result I had fallen into the Enemy's trap. I let him talk to me. I let him lie to me. I began to feel darker and darker. I began to feel as if I were caught in a giant tug of war...And I was the rope!

By Tuesday evening, Andrew had run out of patience, understanding, and positivity himself. He'd had enough. Who can blame him? I don't. His wife had turned into a black hole of complaint, dissent, and contradiction on this his anniversary vacation. So he did what he has always done best...he called me out on my crap. He had not run out of love, wisdom, faith, or his singular ability to draw me out of myself. Uh oh. I was in trouble. I mean, what do you do when God starts talking to you through your husband?? I decided to start a fight...with God.

Turns out, Andrew and I had both come on this vacation with expectations. He had envisioned a week of rest, relaxation, and quality time with his bride. He had expected to see my weeks of built up stress melt away and his as well. He had expected to see me smile and laugh and enjoy myself with him. And up until Tuesday, his expectations were being met...so you can imagine why he was so confused and upset towards my behavior. There was something I had been keeping locked up in my little head though. Something he had no idea about. (See, I had already been examining my heart and my actions. I already had a small inkling about what was causing my attitude...for the last several months.)

Andrew began to question my behavior and my attitude. Not in an accusatory manner, but genuinely trying to understand why I was so unhappy. Understandably, I had hurt him. He needed to know if there was something he had done to make me upset. Faced with my explanation of not knowing why I was unhappy (tell him the truth and have to face my problem? no thank you!), my sweet husband proceeded to suggest that maybe I needed to talk to God about my unhappiness. I proceeded to inform him that "that [was] just not going to happen". Enter God.

My husband said one thing to me after that: If you aren't willing to talk to God about it, then you are not willing to make it better. And then, he sat in silence next to me. It was a pretty valid point and he knew it. So did I. Crap.

As we sat there saying absolutely nothing, God began to speak to me. And much like my mother, Eve, I threw up some fig leaves and tried to act as if nothing had happened. And, He kept talking. I interrupted. I shouted. I screamed. He kept talking. And then I began to cry. Like, for real cry. Andrew silently put his hand on my shoulder. I cried harder. I didn't want to hear what God was saying...because I thought I knew what He was saying and I didn't want any part of it. I was determined to sit in my disobedience and punish myself for it.

Um, hi, Courtney? You're wrong. What? I am not wrong! I know what you're gonna tell me and I said no! I said no months ago and I meant it! I told you I was sorry, but I am not willing to go there and... You're wrong. Wait...what? That isn't what I was going to say at all. It isn't? No. And now that you're talking to me and listening for that matter, I'd like to say something very important. Excuse me? I was talking to you! You weren't listening to me! Child, you are trying my patience. I've got something to say. Now be still and know!! Oh...um...ok...that was kind of childish. I'll just be quiet now and hear you out. If you weren't going to say that other thing...then what were you going to say? Sweetheart, I just wanted to say I love you and ask you to be a little easier on yourself. You are so bent on accepting punishment for your disobedience that you are overlooking that you were already forgiven. Why are you still disobeying something that isn't even a possibility any more? There is no reason for you to be separate from me and yet you are forcing just that! You admitted your sin and you asked me to forgive you...yet, you overlooked that forgiveness and continued to disobey based on the "punishment" you felt you deserved for that sin. Honey, that's my job not yours. I choose your consequences, not you. I chose to forgive and use the experience to teach you something valuable. You chose to ignore the lesson and continue to live as if you were being cast out from me...by me! And that is NOT TRUE. I never cast you out...you walked away and asked me not to follow. WHY? Oh. Um. Uh...OH. Oh, wow. I... Yes? I...um..I... I'm listening. Can we start over? I'd like to just start over now, please. Ah, now you're listening. So that's a yes? Yes. And? And? Um. What now? That's the beauty of my plan... OH. Oh, I see. Do you? Yes! Oh, Lord! I do! I don't have to see it at all! I just have to follow!! I get it! Good. Please remember dear, sweet, Princess: I have walked this path ahead of you and I will walk this path with you...good or bad. I am with you. This is the TRUTH. I think Lisa tried to tell me that already... Yes. I asked her to. You weren't speaking with me at the time. Oh. Yeah. Um...sorry. Forgiven. Thanks. You're welcome. Dad, I love you. I won't do that again. And...whatever you're gonna do? I wanna do that. Whatever it is. I mean...even if it's that other thing...You know. I know. So...is that a possibility? All things are possible for me. Uh..so...um...You know what? I don't need to know. That is what I call progress. I'm OK with that. I love you, child, now go be with your husband. He loves you too.

Boy, does he love me, that husband of mine. And I love him too. Santa Fe may not have been the best vacation Andrew and I have ever taken together...but it was probably the best one I've had with God. I intend to have many more fabulous get aways with both of my loves.

Happy Birthday

I love the picture of God as Redeemer. It’s always been the part of His character that I’m drawn to most, the Name I’ve treasured most. He always seems to speak to me in that way too.
My whole life story is full of Redemption. Every turn, every clear path, every stormy shore is covered with it. And when I hear God speaking loudest to me…it’s always when He is redeeming something for me. Like my Birthday.

Today is my Birthday. In the past, I’ve never looked forward to it. It was always a day filled with anxiety and fear. I never knew if it was going to be good day or a bad day because I never knew who my Mom would be that day.

Most Birthdays growing up have been hard. I was never made to feel like it was an important day or even a special day. I was reminded of what a hardship I was. I was reminded of the pain I cause just by being. I was told many things. Things I now know to be Lies from the Enemy.

I don’t really blame my Mom. I mean, I am still angry most of the time, but I don’t blame her. I’m old enough now to be able to see that she was never meant to be who she was/is. She’s ill. She needs help. I can’t really hold her responsible for the pain she’s inflicted. The Enemy uses what he can…and unfortunately that means he uses my Mom’s illness against her, myself, our family, etc.

But, the last few years have been interesting. God has placed some very special people in my life. People I consider to be “family” in the truest sense. They are remarkable people. They love me despite me at every turn of the road. They go out of their way to celebrate me and the friendships I have with them on my Birthday. They are determined that my Birthday be full of Truth and Love.

So even when I’m not sure how my Birthday will be affected by the Enemy’s pull on my Mom’s heart, I know that she loves me and were she truly Free, she would tell me so. And I know that, because I choose Truth. I choose Love. And because these blessings God has given me over the years, my “family” outside of family, refuse to let me believe anything else.

Happy Birthday, to me! What a precious gift I have indeed.

*Originally posted via Facebook Notes, Mar 31,2010

Out of the Darkness

I feel like I am on the cusp of something. Something big. And something so separate from me that I am so not ever going to be prepared for it. I feel like God is about to totally, completely, and for maybe the first time ever going to wholly sweep me away. I am begging Him to do it too. Even though I'm scared and nervous and unsure. Even as I write this I am torn between the two emotions of wanting God so deeply and desperately and wanting to run for the nearest hiding place. Now I know how Adam and Eve felt in garden. You know that moment when they realized the fullness of their disobedience and heard God calling to them? I desperately want Him to fix me, to take me in His arms and tell me exactly what went wrong and then heal me. I also desperately want to hide and cover myself with "fig leaves" and come up with a REALLY good story to get myself out of this mess. Ha ha. Yeah, because that worked out well for Eve too. :) Ah, well, original mother like descendant daughter, I suppose.
I guess I'm saying all of this to make this point. God is going to be doing some deep, crazy, stretching and pulling in my life over the next few months and as always, He is calling me to tell my story. It's what I do. It's what He created me for. To tell a story, a story of truth. So I'm about to get real honest with you folks. And some of you will be shocked. Some of you will worry. Some of you will be my biggest source of encouragement and support. And some of you will get angry, get disappointed, get sad, and maybe walk away forever. But that's OK. Because I am a Truth-speaker and when God tells me to speak, who am I to say, No, Lord, not me?
For the first time ever, I am going to start telling my whole story. Every part of it. Because God is saturated in it. And He wants to tell His side of it.
To those who have always been my prayer warriors: start praying please.
To those who have spoken Truth and Wisdom over me: :) Get ready.
To those who need to hear this story: I am praying for you.
To those who will hate every step of this: I'm sorry. I forgive you. Please forgive me. I'm praying for you too. And I love you. Please know that.
To my husband: Thank you for holding my hand and walking this path with me. You have no idea how much it means. I'm so very glad that God wrote you into His love story for me.
(And here I sit, staring at what I have written. I'm tempted to scroll to the bottom of the page and hit discard, to pretend that I never wrote this. And as I sit here, my Father says to me, Have Courage, for I am with You. So I will hit publish and have a moment of freaking out and then the God of peace will plant a sweet Kiss on my forehead and I will step boldly into the Sunshine.)

*Originally written and posted via Facebook Notes, Feb. 26,2010