You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream...

You scream, I scream, we all scream...well, it's not for ice cream.  Nope, no sugary sweet conversations over irrisistable treats happening in the mommy group these days. The "mommy wars" are alive and well.  

The battle cry has varied over the years. Topics have ranged from how (and when) we give birth to our children, how we raise our children, how we discipline, parenting styles, nutrition, breastfeed or formula feed...the list goes on and on. 

The latest hot button conversation starter is the great vax debate.  If you wanna get a bunch of moms spewing hate-filled angry words at each other just casually mention the words "measles", "flu", "pertussis", and stand back and watch. You might even wanna grab some popcorn because the show is guaranteed to be epic. 

Regardless of how I feel about any of these issues, that's not what I want to talk about. I want to start a different conversation. When did a parenting decision trump embracing my fellow mom with love, grace, compassion, and friendship? When did differing perspectives begin to outweigh the blood of Christ? When did my singular experience in this life become so much more important than that of the struggling, hurting, discouraged moms surrounding me? 

Being a mom is hard. Not only do you have all the societal pressures and inner struggles that become your inheritance when you enter this world as a woman, but then you get mom guilt, post partum body image, and kid comparison to boot. 

Two generations ago, moms didn't have this kind of isolation. Moms were celebrated and supported. Most of all they were surrounded by multiple generations of moms, grandmas, aunts, sisters, and neighbors. There was a wealth of knowledge, support, and encouragement to draw on. Moms today don't have that. 

Today's mom, if she's lucky, might have a handful of like-minded moms to face the daily battle of parenthood with. She might even have at least one supportive parent (or in law) to lean on and glean wisdom from. But mostly she's scouring the Internet at 3am reading blogs, or searching Facebook groups for help, or browsing the kindle store for the next top-selling parenting book. 

Today's mom is defeated by Pinterest and Instagram and Hollywood perfection. She's isolated and afraid and self-doubting. She's afraid to ask the questions haunting her every time she fails. Because if she asks she has to admit to the world that she hasn't got it all figured out. She has to admit that she doesn't have some inner goddess-matron intuition to guide her. She has to admit that babies and toddlers and teenagers aren't simple, easy, or one size fits all. She has to admit that she's not enough. 

Or maybe that's just me. I'm tired of keeping it inside. I've lost the benefit of the sisterhood of moms and it pisses me off. I can't have a conversation with another mom without testing the waters first. I have to make sure that my set of doubts, fears, struggles, etc will meet her own standards of what is acceptable. 

 I'm afraid that if I admit my struggles, dreams, and desires for parenting, I'll be judged and shamed. I'm terrified that I'll be the next vilified mom on the block if I broach a topic that might be too taboo. Or worse, my incredibly funny, smart, imaginative, curious little boy will be ostracized, singled out, or picked on because his mama just can't conform to the mommy mold of our current social circle. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to gather a circle of sister-moms around me. I want us to live life together and support each other. I want our differences to enrich each other. I want our different experiences and perspectives to strengthen each other. 

I have been incredibly blessed the past couple of years to have found an online group of women to talk to and be encouraged by.  But there's only so much life that can happen through a computer.  I miss having face to face community.  I crave it. 

I want to create a vibrant community around me that is full of incredibly varied backgrounds that comes together with one goal: loving each other and our children without discrimination or prejudice. 

I want the mom wars to end. 

So I'm waving the white flag. 

I don't care how you parent. I don't care what choices you make for your kids when it comes to their health or education. I don't care where you buy your groceries or eat your meals. I don't care if you are the Pinterest mom of the year or can't glue two Popsicle sticks together to save your life. 

I want to hear about all of these things. Of course I do. Let's meet at Starbucks and I want to hear your fears, concerns, passions, struggles. I want to have coffee and talk about how and why we do anything as parents. I want to hear your side of your story. I want to share mine too. But I'm leaving the judgement at home.  

Let's embrace each other and root each other on. Let's celebrate the victories. Let's cry together over the hard days. Let's hold each other and learn from each other.  Let's learn to love each other the way we were meant to.