Happily Ever After

Every time I start to believe the dream is real, 

More lies crowd in trying to reveal,

The flaw in the fairy tale.

I don't know what to believe, 

The lies sound closer to the truth these days.

You tell me happily ever after does exist,

So when does it begin?

The clock is striking midnight, 

The dragon has laid it's trap,

The curse is sinking in and

I feel just like the princess, 

Locked up in a tower.

I need a prince who will fight for me,

I need a knight in shining armor.

Even now I wonder,

Does he even exist?

And just when I think the dragon will win,

There You are again...

"I am your charming Prince, I am your hero Knight", you say.

"I'm right here and I will fight for you, 

The dragon I will slay.

No striking clock will end what I've begun,

No dragon's plot could ever be cunning enough,

No curse could ever be unbroken,

No tower tight could keep you from My love."

Every time I start to trade the lie for my perfect fairy tale, 

You sing out to me pointing out the flaws, 

The lies that try to steal.

Gently calling me to fall in love,

You reveal to me my happily ever does exist,

I have found that it is You.

Day 24

I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.

More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder.  I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school.  I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy.  I have had to be a grown up for most of my life.  I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life.  Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them.  But, I still miss my mom.  I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries.  I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her.  Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms.  I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today.  Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.

BUT:  I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her.  Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with.  She is so strong and good and compassionate.  I know she doesn't always feel that way.  Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie.  But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life.  I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her.  She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me. 

So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two. 
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me.  Karon,  thank you for loving me.