The Parent Trap (and not the Disney kind)

This blog post is hard for me.  Because this topic is a hot stinky pile of poo.  But I can't keep dodging the poo-slinging.  People I love and care about on both sides have been burned.  Badly.

There is a war going on.

I'm talking about a war staged on social media and mainstream media.  I'm talking about a battle of words and wit waged by moms, dads, and "trolls" alike.  It covers topics ranging from how we put our kids to sleep to how we discipline, from how we feed our children to what we feed them, from "crunchy" lifestyle choices to "mainstream" choices, from "gentle"/"attachment" parenting to "unattached" parenting (or whatever you call the opposite of AP).  I am talking about the "Mommy Wars" or let's just call it what it is: The "I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better Than You Can, I Can Do Anything Better Than YOU! Wars"  .  Yeah, I went there. 

Now before you completely tune me out, let me fully admit right here and right now that I HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THESE WARS.  I have slung sarcasm and rudeness with the best of them.  I have taken offense and given it.  I too fell for the trap.

What trap? 

I'm so glad you asked.  The trap of judging my fellow parents.  The trap of tearing them down just because they do something I don't do.  The trap of thinking that anyone who does or says differently than I do must be wrong and therefore evil and in turn judging me back!

And you know what?  I am absolutely 100% hurting God's heart.  Ouch.

Ephesians 4:25-32 "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."


Oh man,  do you hear what the Word says here?  The words that I speak/type have power.  They can make or break.  I feel like they've done a lot of breaking lately.  Breaking spirits, breaking bonds, breaking future ministry opportunities, breaking my own heart.   

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this topic.  Like I said, I found myself caught up in the word war with other parents.  So I decided to take a step back.  

I asked myself," What is my true view point on parenting? "

Well, I think we all do the best we can.  I think when we learn better, we do better.  Sometimes that means admitting we are wrong by changing what we do and moving on.  Sometimes that means we see someone else making similar choices.  What do we do then?
  
By the parenting war standards that means we have two options: 1. Inform them that they are wrong.  2.  Justify being angry and rude by pulling the "judgement" card when we are told we are wrong.  But Holy Spirit says we have one option: Give grace to those who hear us.

As a believer, I can not participate in these battles any longer.  I just can't.  I can still post things that I think are relevant.  I can engage in civil and edifying conversation with those who are willing to do the same.  But I can not and will not "go there" when it comes to "proving" myself and my choices.  I will no longer cater to the argumentative and close-minded.  I will not sell out to the "only one can stand" point of view.  I will do what I think is best.  I will advocate for education and choices.

Because when it comes down to it I've realized that Christ is more important than being right.  Christ is more important than anything.  So I don't care if you vaccinate, don't vaccinate, yell at your kids, negotiate with your kids, spank your kids, reason with your kids, feed your kids McDonald's, feed your kids organic unprocessed food, or for heaven's sake breast feed or formula feed.  I care about whether I am loving you like Christ.  I care about whether the words that I speak (whether you agree with them or not) are loving and point to Christ.  I care about my relationship with you more than I care about whether we both get gold stars on the parenting chart. 

Ask yourself: Is my child happy and healthy?  Am I happy and healthy?  Is Christ honored when I  speak? 

Parents, friends, what is your motive when you post something or comment on someone else's post? Is it to contradict? Is it to offer your thoughts on your own research? There's a big difference. And it comes down to knowing why you feel the need to engage in the first place. If your motive is driven by an emotion, stop. If it is driven by a need to "one up" another parent, stop. If it is driven by a desire to cause dissension or offense, stop. 

Just stop. 

Stop perpetuating this silly little social media spat.  Stop contributing to the alienation of parents.  Support the parents in your path.  Love them.  Extend grace.  Stop and think before speaking.  You may not always agree with a parenting choice.  And you may indeed have a better way.  But no one is going to want to take a look at it if your ramming it down their throats.   

Examine your motives. Examine your heart. 

I'm not saying to stop posting or commenting. I'm just saying that there's a better way to educate, inform, and support other parents. And you know what, believers? It starts with us. We are the example. We are the light in the dark. Our words carry weight. They carry power. And they should carry grace. 

Bottom line: It's not about being the better parent.  It's about being a better sharer of the Gospel.

Raising A Child in a Facebook Obsessed Society

If you're my age or older, then you probably grew up in a time when the extent of making sure kids were protected from being exploited, stolen, or molested was making sure they knew the "stranger/danger" rules.  You know: Don't Talk To Strangers, Don't Go Anywhere By Yourself,  Always Tell An Adult If You've Been Approached By A Stranger, Don't Take Anything (whether it be candy or a cute little puppy) From Strangers, Etc.  These rules kept us safe.  These rules made our parents feel safer.  They worked...for the most part.  But the rules have changed.  They've had to in today's technology driven society.

Most of you know that I work with teenagers on a weekly basis.  I am a youth worker at our church and I work closely with a teenage girls ministry.  Because of this I've had to educate myself over the years about the dangers and risks our kids are exposed to.  One of the biggest concerns parents, educators, mentors, etc. have to deal with today is TECHNOLOGY.  It's everywhere.  It's accessible.  And our kids know how to find, use it, and move on to the next new thing before we've even got a grasp on the last tech fad.  And here's the disturbing part: people who target our kids for exploitation of any kind, know this, and are keeping up with them. 

In the last decade alone we've seen the popularity explosion of social media sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Xanga, Tumblr, Instagram, etc.  And for the most part we probably view them as harmless fun.  But if you look at the news, with the growth of these sites we've also seen an increase in issues like cyber-bullying (and bullying in general), sexting, kids posting pics of themselves in provocative dress/pose or even nude, chat rooms dedicated to flirting and hooking up, etc.  And if you're teen is involved in any of these risky behaviors (with or without your knowledge, let's face it, they know how to keep things hidden just like we did growing up), then you can bet there's a chance they've come into contact with a "creeper" (someone who definitely is looking to take advantage). 

We live in a time where online safety is a huge issue.  And while there have been huge successes in legislating Internet and technology safety laws and statutes, and many big names have championed the platform and brought awareness and education to the public, many kids are still at risk.  They're at risk because we as parents, role models, etc., have to be more active in protecting them.  

We have to teach them why privacy settings are important and how to use them.  We have teach them why accepting friend requests from strangers or even people they barely know is risky and how to respond.  We have to teach them why it's never a good idea to post when we are out of town, when we are home alone, where we are going without our parents, etc.  We have to physically sit down with them and talk about relationships, flirting, modesty, dating, gossip, etc.  Otherwise, what they know is what they experience...online.  Oh, and we have to model this for them ourselves.  Because if we aren't doing it, you can bet they'll ignore everything we say and who can blame them?

As a new parent myself (baby boy will arrive in just a couple of months!), I was suddenly faced with the realization that I needed to figure out how I was going to protect my own child online.  I believe it has to start now with how I choose to use the Internet.  I use all the privacy settings, I make sure that I actually know the people on my friends list or have a connection with them through ministry, etc.  I even clean out my friends lists periodically to make sure I haven't gained a few "spam accounts" as friends or delete people that I never talk to or see in person, etc.  I post pictures and photo albums all the time.  And until recently, I didn't really pay attention or care about what happened to those pictures once friends and family had access to them.

It hit me all of a sudden when I saw that my mom had shared an album of mine to her own Facebook wall.  Then she shared it to my dad's Facebook wall.  Now I had no problem with that whatsoever.  It was just some maternity pictures my sister and I had taken together and she was understandably excited to share them with all of her friends.  In fact, I had already planned on sharing the album to her but she saw them come up in her newsfeed before I was finished arranging my album.

I'm not sure I would have thought any more about it except that in that moment I realized...I thought I had set the privacy setting on that to the one where only my friends could see these pictures. I very specifically used the custom privacy setting for friends only and turned off the option that friends of friends could view the album.  But obviously mom had shared the album and now her friends were liking and commenting on them on her page.  People I didn't personally know now had access to pictures of me.  

What the heck, Facebook?  I can set my privacy settings all I want but ultimately, anyone who can see my pictures can do whatever they want with them.  My immediate thought was for the outrageous number of pictures I had just posted of my nephew (my newest obsession).  My next thought was for my own son and any pictures I might post of him later on.

Now, don't get me wrong,  I love that my mom was proud of her girls and excited enough that she wanted to share the pictures of us.  And I love that she's excited about being grams and wants to show everyone how adorable her grand kids are (Wyatt is undeniably the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I have no doubts that my son will be just as deliciously precious).  BUT, there was this little inkling of doubt in my mind about the safety of her friends list.  

My mom is a "friend maker".  She has a huge heart and loves to take people under her wing and be their friend.  She is a member of every group ever invented on Facebook I think.  Because she loves to meet people and learn new things.  This has and always will be an admirable quality of hers.  I don't make friends easily and I hope that her openness and friendliness will be something my child inherits from her.

My concern lies in that many of the people she's "met" in these groups have graduated up to her friends list.  She's never actually met these people in person (many are even international) and she only knows them online.  In her mind, they are her friends.  They would never be bad people or people that would take advantage of her kids/grand kids.  She would never put us or our kiddos in danger.  

And I know that this is true about her...but what she doesn't really understand is that it's not about my not trusting her judgement.  It's about me knowing that who a person says they are online can be anything they want and doesn't necessarily mean that they are who they say they are in reality.

Mom grew up in the "stranger/danger" era.  She raised kids in the "stranger/danger" era.  But the "stranger/danger" era didn't account for the Internet or online friends or Facebook.  So understandably, she never thought about the implications of allowing people that don't personally know her in the real world access to pictures of her kids/grand kids.  And obviously, I didn't think about it either until just that minute.

Now, I know that I can never 100% protect my kid from the dangers this twisted and wicked world holds for him.  I know that someday, somehow, he will be exposed to something terrible and heartbreaking for this mama.  I know that eventually I have to let go of him and trust the Lord to guide his steps.  But I also know that just because I trust the Lord, it doesn't mean that I should sit back and do nothing.  That would be stupid. And anyone who says differently is an idiot.  The Lord can protect us by instilling cautious instincts and providing appropriate boundaries too.

So as I pondered just how I was going to raise this child in a Facebook drenched world, and how on earth I was going to do the best I could to protect him from harm as far and as long as it was possible for me to do so, I had to think about boundaries I wanted to put in place for him and my family.  I know that I can use my privacy settings to allow only certain people to see my pics (instead of all of my friends).  I know that my husband can do the same. 

But did I have any right to ask others to execute certain precautions, i.e. our immediate families?  Well, boundaries are about loving people the best that we can.  So, knowing that I love our family and they love us, I decided that at least opening a dialogue with them about this would be an OK option.

I came up with a few things that I thought might help my Facebook conundrum:  
1. If you take the picture, I can't tell you what to do with it.  That's up to you.  It's yours.  (This is me trusting the Lord.)
2.  If I take the picture and share it to you, then I by default have given you leave to do what you want with it.  (Again, me trusting...) 
3.  If you are looking at pictures that I have posted but not shared directly to you, then I only ask that you check with me before sharing it yourself.  Or if you see a pic that you love and think your friends would love, by all means, ask me to share it to you and if I feel it's appropriate I will do so.  (Hey, look at all this trust going on...)

I sent these possibilities on to our family with an explanation of why and how, etc., and asked them what they thought. 

Some were upset and offended that I would try to restrict them or question their trustworthiness or the trustworthiness of their friends.  These even went so far as to say they would never even look at my pictures again, that if I wanted them to see them, then I could just share them to them myself, etc.  (Obviously a bad start to my first efforts.)

Others fully supported my attempt to come up with a solution but cautioned me not to let "new mother fear" rule my decisions. (OK, a little better response, but seemingly, my intent was still lost.)
 
Some saw the logic in it but didn't want to actually have to go to the "trouble" of all of that. (Really? it makes sense, but you don't want to have to actually do it? That was a sad little thought.)

Others thought I was loony toons and should work out some of my trust issues. (They've apparently failed to notice how much I have worked on these things in counseling the last couple of years.)

So basically, I had just either severely upset members of my family unintentionally, or caused others to question my ability to think rationally just because I'm preggers and this is my first biological kid.  (Never mind my decade of experience working with kids and in several instances being the only "parent" they had.)   Great.

As I was pondering through these responses/reactions I did eventually think,'I could just never post pictures on Facebook.'  But honestly, I've fallen into that trap of Facebook being the only way to communicate with certain members of my family.  They either live too far away and/or we don't see each other often, or I don't even have a clue what their email address is (and neither do some of them! They only got an email account so they could get on Facebook and don't remember how to access it!).  So yeah...Facebook really is just the easiest way to do it.  And my first attempt at Facebook boundaries was shaping up to be a disaster.  Now what?

I'm honestly not sure.  I could possibly create a private group and only allow family and close friends to access it.  But that doesn't solve my problem of grandparents wanting to share pictures.  I wish it were as easy as saying,' if you took it, you post it'.  But Andrew's parents live in Florida.  Most of the pictures they get will be ones we take and share with them.  My parents don't have a camera.  So again, unless we share it with them, they won't have pics of their own.  And naturally, they all have family and friends they want to share with too.  I don't want to keep them from that.

Perhaps I am overreacting as some family members implied.  Maybe I should just get over it and post pictures and not worry about where those pictures go and who accesses them.  And maybe I should never have tried to set the boundary with anyone other than myself and my husband.  I don't know.  Now I'm in a quandary.  I don't know what the best solution is or if there even is one. 

What do I know?  That my parents never had to even think about this and I am incredibly jealous.  And someday, my kid may have to think through situations that I never had to either.  For that I apologize now, kiddo.  And if I don't understand at first, please remind me of the great Facebook Fiasco of 2012.

So, I'm back where I started.  How do I teach and model online safety and protection of privacy for my kid starting now?  What does it look like?  How do I pour the foundation for his future safety? 

I hate when a question only leads to more questions...

Day 24

I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.

More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder.  I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school.  I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy.  I have had to be a grown up for most of my life.  I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life.  Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them.  But, I still miss my mom.  I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries.  I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her.  Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms.  I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today.  Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.

BUT:  I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her.  Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with.  She is so strong and good and compassionate.  I know she doesn't always feel that way.  Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie.  But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life.  I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her.  She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me. 

So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two. 
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me.  Karon,  thank you for loving me. 

Relationships Are the Flowers in the Garden of Life

Well. Sort of. Please forgive the cheesy title...but I really couldn't think of any other way to describe my line of thought. I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. In particular...healthy relationships, what they look like, and how to maintain them (or not).

Something I've found myself repeating consistently over the last couple of years is, "Relationships change. They constantly look different. And you have to be OK with that." It has almost become my mantra.

As I continue to 'grow up', I have noticed that I examine relationships in a different way. I weigh them. I determine their value. I check for signs of Life and Death in them. I ask myself:'Is this relationship healthy?'

That's where the analogy I drew my title from comes in to play. I began to think about relationships in view of how my relationship with Christ works. I love the picture of the vine Jesus paints in John 15. He describes beautifully the process of tending the vine and making it healthy enough to bear fruit. He painfully describes the process of getting rid of the unhealthy vine, tossing it away to burn in the fire.

One of my least favorite words in John 15 is 'pruning'. It literally brings out an involuntary physical reaction from me when I hear it. Usually a shiver through my spine and an exasperated 'ugh!' I tend to be pretty surly when the topic of pruning is brought up as well. Nikki Lokey once told me she can always tell when Jesus is pruning me because of my attitude. (Which I'll be the first to admit is usually a bad one.) She went on to tell me however, that while pruning is no fun, it usually produces an incredibly beautiful plant.

Encylopedia Brittanica Online's listing for pruning says this:

the removal or reduction of parts of a plant, tree, or vine that are not
requisite to growth or production, are no longer visually pleasing, or are
injurious to health or development of the plant.

I think we can all see the spiritual implications that Jesus was pointing out about his relationship to us, but do you see the implications to relationships in general? Ultimately, our relationships with others are to reflect the relationship modeled between ourselves and Christ. So if it's that important that He be pruning us and making us healthy, productive, and beautiful, doesn't it stand to reason that our relationships with others need this as well?

If any of you actually pay attention to the things I post you will remember a note I posted on Facebook awhile back. I'd written the note after I read a book by Francine Rivers called Leota's Garden. In the note, I highlighted some of the Truths that Francine had so beautifully proclaimed in the book. Specifically, the process of pruning. Consider this:"A good pruning stimulates the right kind of growth. Same holds true with people." - Leota Reinhardt, Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers

Wise words. If our relationships with people are going to be healthy then we need to give ourselves a good pruning. And sometimes that means that the relationship may look different or even need to be cut off and removed completely. Will it be easy? No. Pruning is often hard, tiresome, and dirty work. Is it worth it? Yes. Being healthy is always worth it.

A word of warning though: Unskilled pruning can result in weakening the plant to the point of killing it. So before you start hacking off branches and hoping for the best, I suggest you start with asking God to prune you. And yes. I do happen to know exactly what I just said. Before you can do any worthwhile pruning in your relationships with others, you must make sure that your connection to the True Vine is healthy first. Otherwise, you will only have succeeded in landing yourself in the fire.

So, that's where I am right now. I have finally begun to maintenance my 'garden of relationships'. I am pruning and weeding and cultivating. But, the difference now is that I am also making sure that my relationship with Christ and others is healthy, fruitful, and pleasing to His eyes.


*(For further suggestions about how to create and maintain healthy relationships, there is a book called Boundaries by authors Cloud and Townsend. You may find it helpful. I haven't read it yet,frankly, because it scares the crap outta me, but I plan to soon. I have gleaned wisdom from its pages for years now through wise friends who have read the book.)