I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.
More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder. I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school. I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy. I have had to be a grown up for most of my life. I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life. Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them. But, I still miss my mom. I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries. I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her. Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms. I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today. Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.
BUT: I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her. Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with. She is so strong and good and compassionate. I know she doesn't always feel that way. Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie. But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life. I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her. She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me.
So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two.
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me. Karon, thank you for loving me.
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