Sincerely, A Struggling and Grateful Mama

Dear Fellow Mom in Walmart,

You saw me struggle in the produce aisle as I wrestled the frozen waffle box from my toddler. You smiled when he declared he NEEDED to eat frozen waffles RIGHT NOW. You nodded your head at me in acknowledgement of my exasperated sigh. 

As we turned to pick up tomatoes and avocados, you were selecting bananas nearby. I saw your body language straighten and grow tight when my voice carried sharply when my toddler nearly tossed a glass jar out of the cart. I saw your slight frown as I pleaded with him in a desperate and harsh voice to "just stop touching things right now". 

I also saw the look on your face when he opened and dumped a package of grape tomatoes all over the floor. I noticed the look you gave me when I lost my composure and yelled at my toddler with tears of frustration, anger, and silent regret in my eyes. 

I saw that look full of compassion and empathy. I also saw how you immediately stepped into my world. You placed a gentle hand on my now distraught son and soothed him and told him it was ok. That he was ok. You knelt down where I was frantically gathering tomatoes and grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. You gathered tomatoes and helped me put them back in the carton. You said gently," I've got four. It happens, mama. He's very little. It's all ok. " 

I was too touched to speak. So I didn't. I just nodded at you and brushed my tears away. You patted my son on the back one more time and you walked away. 

I wish I had said thank you. Thank you for championing my child. Thank you for inserting yourself into a moment that could have been filled with much more regret than it already was. Thank you for putting my little boy's needs first, beyond your comfort zone, without worrying about how I would take it. Thank you for reminding this mama to breathe and think before reacting. 

Oh, how I wish I had hugged you and told you what a wonderful woman you are! May God shower special kisses from the King on you today wherever you are! Bless you, mama. 

Sincerely,

A Struggling and Grateful Mama

Love Courageously Challenge

I have been attempting to examine myself better lately and learn to love others in a more christ-like way. The overflow of this is ultimately so that I can love my children better and parent them more wisely and in a way that reflects how Christ loves me. My goal is gospel-centered parenting. 

So I stumbled upon a 28 day challenge on one of my favorite parenting resources' blog and decided to give it a shot. 

Here's the link: http://www.positive-parents.org/2015/02/love-courageously-challenge-day-one.html?m=1

I hope to share my thoughts as I go. I may not get every day on here but hopefully I can share what I learn often. 

Teachable MOMents

We've all been there. That moment when someone tells you something and all you hear is," you're doing it wrong". Maybe that's not what they said or meant. But it's what we hear. 

How do you respond when someone is trying to correct you? If you're like me, your gut reaction is to shut down and tell them to mind their own business.  Especially if they're another parent trying to advise me. 

I mean, who do they think they are trying to tell me how to _______. They aren't better than me. Right? Why should I listen to them? 

Well, I had a moment one day when Silas was almost a one year old.  I was reading through a thread on my Facebook mommy group and the mom who posted was echoing those same sentiments. Then another mom spoke up. "Maybe if we stopped hearing,'you're wrong', when other moms sent us advice, the mommy wars would end. "

Huh? Whoa. I never thought about it like that. She went on to say that she had felt the same way many times. But then she realized that the moms who had reached out to her, genuinely cared about her and knew she loved her kids. They had learned something new and wanted to share. 

But instead of taking it in and really hearing their heart, she had assumed the worst and shut them out. Now, not all of these attempts to reach out were so innocent, she admitted. But a good chunk of them were. And if she had really stopped to read/hear their words in the moment instead of shutting down, she would have learned something valuable. Not just some tidbit of nutrition or car seat safety updates, but that she had the opportunity to forge a deep, rich, friendship with someone who cared for her. 

"I realized,"she said,"that I had stopped being teachable and lost the opportunity to pour into another mom and in turn be poured into. " 

That thread has been coming back to mind lately as I have watched many of my friends on social media make snap judgements of other parents or shut out well-meaning attempts to help because they felt judged. I started asking myself if I was doing that too. I had to admit that I do have that attitude sometimes. 

I think it comes down to a couple of things: being insecure about our choices as moms because we are on our own so much of the time. When we lost the tribe, we lost our confidence. Or the flip side, being so confident in our choice that we can't imagine that another choice might be just as "right" as ours. 

Now, I'm not saying that every time someone approaches you with a bit of advice that you have to (or need to) take it. What I am saying is this: take a deep breath. Take a step back. Listen to the heart behind the words. Tell them thank you for caring deeply about you and yours.

You don't have to take that advice but you can look at what they've offered with an open mind. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind. But it does mean that you've given them the opportunity to connect with you. You've allowed them to be a part of your village. You've allowed yourself to be teachable and reachable. 

We won't always agree with every parent on every topic. But we can agree to listen to each other. We can agree that we all love our kids. We can agree to model fellowship and love and deep, genuine, friendships for our children. We can stop reacting and start relating. 

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream...

You scream, I scream, we all scream...well, it's not for ice cream.  Nope, no sugary sweet conversations over irrisistable treats happening in the mommy group these days. The "mommy wars" are alive and well.  

The battle cry has varied over the years. Topics have ranged from how (and when) we give birth to our children, how we raise our children, how we discipline, parenting styles, nutrition, breastfeed or formula feed...the list goes on and on. 

The latest hot button conversation starter is the great vax debate.  If you wanna get a bunch of moms spewing hate-filled angry words at each other just casually mention the words "measles", "flu", "pertussis", and stand back and watch. You might even wanna grab some popcorn because the show is guaranteed to be epic. 

Regardless of how I feel about any of these issues, that's not what I want to talk about. I want to start a different conversation. When did a parenting decision trump embracing my fellow mom with love, grace, compassion, and friendship? When did differing perspectives begin to outweigh the blood of Christ? When did my singular experience in this life become so much more important than that of the struggling, hurting, discouraged moms surrounding me? 

Being a mom is hard. Not only do you have all the societal pressures and inner struggles that become your inheritance when you enter this world as a woman, but then you get mom guilt, post partum body image, and kid comparison to boot. 

Two generations ago, moms didn't have this kind of isolation. Moms were celebrated and supported. Most of all they were surrounded by multiple generations of moms, grandmas, aunts, sisters, and neighbors. There was a wealth of knowledge, support, and encouragement to draw on. Moms today don't have that. 

Today's mom, if she's lucky, might have a handful of like-minded moms to face the daily battle of parenthood with. She might even have at least one supportive parent (or in law) to lean on and glean wisdom from. But mostly she's scouring the Internet at 3am reading blogs, or searching Facebook groups for help, or browsing the kindle store for the next top-selling parenting book. 

Today's mom is defeated by Pinterest and Instagram and Hollywood perfection. She's isolated and afraid and self-doubting. She's afraid to ask the questions haunting her every time she fails. Because if she asks she has to admit to the world that she hasn't got it all figured out. She has to admit that she doesn't have some inner goddess-matron intuition to guide her. She has to admit that babies and toddlers and teenagers aren't simple, easy, or one size fits all. She has to admit that she's not enough. 

Or maybe that's just me. I'm tired of keeping it inside. I've lost the benefit of the sisterhood of moms and it pisses me off. I can't have a conversation with another mom without testing the waters first. I have to make sure that my set of doubts, fears, struggles, etc will meet her own standards of what is acceptable. 

 I'm afraid that if I admit my struggles, dreams, and desires for parenting, I'll be judged and shamed. I'm terrified that I'll be the next vilified mom on the block if I broach a topic that might be too taboo. Or worse, my incredibly funny, smart, imaginative, curious little boy will be ostracized, singled out, or picked on because his mama just can't conform to the mommy mold of our current social circle. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to gather a circle of sister-moms around me. I want us to live life together and support each other. I want our differences to enrich each other. I want our different experiences and perspectives to strengthen each other. 

I have been incredibly blessed the past couple of years to have found an online group of women to talk to and be encouraged by.  But there's only so much life that can happen through a computer.  I miss having face to face community.  I crave it. 

I want to create a vibrant community around me that is full of incredibly varied backgrounds that comes together with one goal: loving each other and our children without discrimination or prejudice. 

I want the mom wars to end. 

So I'm waving the white flag. 

I don't care how you parent. I don't care what choices you make for your kids when it comes to their health or education. I don't care where you buy your groceries or eat your meals. I don't care if you are the Pinterest mom of the year or can't glue two Popsicle sticks together to save your life. 

I want to hear about all of these things. Of course I do. Let's meet at Starbucks and I want to hear your fears, concerns, passions, struggles. I want to have coffee and talk about how and why we do anything as parents. I want to hear your side of your story. I want to share mine too. But I'm leaving the judgement at home.  

Let's embrace each other and root each other on. Let's celebrate the victories. Let's cry together over the hard days. Let's hold each other and learn from each other.  Let's learn to love each other the way we were meant to. 

The Parent Trap (and not the Disney kind)

This blog post is hard for me.  Because this topic is a hot stinky pile of poo.  But I can't keep dodging the poo-slinging.  People I love and care about on both sides have been burned.  Badly.

There is a war going on.

I'm talking about a war staged on social media and mainstream media.  I'm talking about a battle of words and wit waged by moms, dads, and "trolls" alike.  It covers topics ranging from how we put our kids to sleep to how we discipline, from how we feed our children to what we feed them, from "crunchy" lifestyle choices to "mainstream" choices, from "gentle"/"attachment" parenting to "unattached" parenting (or whatever you call the opposite of AP).  I am talking about the "Mommy Wars" or let's just call it what it is: The "I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better Than You Can, I Can Do Anything Better Than YOU! Wars"  .  Yeah, I went there. 

Now before you completely tune me out, let me fully admit right here and right now that I HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THESE WARS.  I have slung sarcasm and rudeness with the best of them.  I have taken offense and given it.  I too fell for the trap.

What trap? 

I'm so glad you asked.  The trap of judging my fellow parents.  The trap of tearing them down just because they do something I don't do.  The trap of thinking that anyone who does or says differently than I do must be wrong and therefore evil and in turn judging me back!

And you know what?  I am absolutely 100% hurting God's heart.  Ouch.

Ephesians 4:25-32 "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."


Oh man,  do you hear what the Word says here?  The words that I speak/type have power.  They can make or break.  I feel like they've done a lot of breaking lately.  Breaking spirits, breaking bonds, breaking future ministry opportunities, breaking my own heart.   

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this topic.  Like I said, I found myself caught up in the word war with other parents.  So I decided to take a step back.  

I asked myself," What is my true view point on parenting? "

Well, I think we all do the best we can.  I think when we learn better, we do better.  Sometimes that means admitting we are wrong by changing what we do and moving on.  Sometimes that means we see someone else making similar choices.  What do we do then?
  
By the parenting war standards that means we have two options: 1. Inform them that they are wrong.  2.  Justify being angry and rude by pulling the "judgement" card when we are told we are wrong.  But Holy Spirit says we have one option: Give grace to those who hear us.

As a believer, I can not participate in these battles any longer.  I just can't.  I can still post things that I think are relevant.  I can engage in civil and edifying conversation with those who are willing to do the same.  But I can not and will not "go there" when it comes to "proving" myself and my choices.  I will no longer cater to the argumentative and close-minded.  I will not sell out to the "only one can stand" point of view.  I will do what I think is best.  I will advocate for education and choices.

Because when it comes down to it I've realized that Christ is more important than being right.  Christ is more important than anything.  So I don't care if you vaccinate, don't vaccinate, yell at your kids, negotiate with your kids, spank your kids, reason with your kids, feed your kids McDonald's, feed your kids organic unprocessed food, or for heaven's sake breast feed or formula feed.  I care about whether I am loving you like Christ.  I care about whether the words that I speak (whether you agree with them or not) are loving and point to Christ.  I care about my relationship with you more than I care about whether we both get gold stars on the parenting chart. 

Ask yourself: Is my child happy and healthy?  Am I happy and healthy?  Is Christ honored when I  speak? 

Parents, friends, what is your motive when you post something or comment on someone else's post? Is it to contradict? Is it to offer your thoughts on your own research? There's a big difference. And it comes down to knowing why you feel the need to engage in the first place. If your motive is driven by an emotion, stop. If it is driven by a need to "one up" another parent, stop. If it is driven by a desire to cause dissension or offense, stop. 

Just stop. 

Stop perpetuating this silly little social media spat.  Stop contributing to the alienation of parents.  Support the parents in your path.  Love them.  Extend grace.  Stop and think before speaking.  You may not always agree with a parenting choice.  And you may indeed have a better way.  But no one is going to want to take a look at it if your ramming it down their throats.   

Examine your motives. Examine your heart. 

I'm not saying to stop posting or commenting. I'm just saying that there's a better way to educate, inform, and support other parents. And you know what, believers? It starts with us. We are the example. We are the light in the dark. Our words carry weight. They carry power. And they should carry grace. 

Bottom line: It's not about being the better parent.  It's about being a better sharer of the Gospel.