The Parent Trap (and not the Disney kind)

This blog post is hard for me.  Because this topic is a hot stinky pile of poo.  But I can't keep dodging the poo-slinging.  People I love and care about on both sides have been burned.  Badly.

There is a war going on.

I'm talking about a war staged on social media and mainstream media.  I'm talking about a battle of words and wit waged by moms, dads, and "trolls" alike.  It covers topics ranging from how we put our kids to sleep to how we discipline, from how we feed our children to what we feed them, from "crunchy" lifestyle choices to "mainstream" choices, from "gentle"/"attachment" parenting to "unattached" parenting (or whatever you call the opposite of AP).  I am talking about the "Mommy Wars" or let's just call it what it is: The "I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better Than You Can, I Can Do Anything Better Than YOU! Wars"  .  Yeah, I went there. 

Now before you completely tune me out, let me fully admit right here and right now that I HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THESE WARS.  I have slung sarcasm and rudeness with the best of them.  I have taken offense and given it.  I too fell for the trap.

What trap? 

I'm so glad you asked.  The trap of judging my fellow parents.  The trap of tearing them down just because they do something I don't do.  The trap of thinking that anyone who does or says differently than I do must be wrong and therefore evil and in turn judging me back!

And you know what?  I am absolutely 100% hurting God's heart.  Ouch.

Ephesians 4:25-32 "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."


Oh man,  do you hear what the Word says here?  The words that I speak/type have power.  They can make or break.  I feel like they've done a lot of breaking lately.  Breaking spirits, breaking bonds, breaking future ministry opportunities, breaking my own heart.   

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this topic.  Like I said, I found myself caught up in the word war with other parents.  So I decided to take a step back.  

I asked myself," What is my true view point on parenting? "

Well, I think we all do the best we can.  I think when we learn better, we do better.  Sometimes that means admitting we are wrong by changing what we do and moving on.  Sometimes that means we see someone else making similar choices.  What do we do then?
  
By the parenting war standards that means we have two options: 1. Inform them that they are wrong.  2.  Justify being angry and rude by pulling the "judgement" card when we are told we are wrong.  But Holy Spirit says we have one option: Give grace to those who hear us.

As a believer, I can not participate in these battles any longer.  I just can't.  I can still post things that I think are relevant.  I can engage in civil and edifying conversation with those who are willing to do the same.  But I can not and will not "go there" when it comes to "proving" myself and my choices.  I will no longer cater to the argumentative and close-minded.  I will not sell out to the "only one can stand" point of view.  I will do what I think is best.  I will advocate for education and choices.

Because when it comes down to it I've realized that Christ is more important than being right.  Christ is more important than anything.  So I don't care if you vaccinate, don't vaccinate, yell at your kids, negotiate with your kids, spank your kids, reason with your kids, feed your kids McDonald's, feed your kids organic unprocessed food, or for heaven's sake breast feed or formula feed.  I care about whether I am loving you like Christ.  I care about whether the words that I speak (whether you agree with them or not) are loving and point to Christ.  I care about my relationship with you more than I care about whether we both get gold stars on the parenting chart. 

Ask yourself: Is my child happy and healthy?  Am I happy and healthy?  Is Christ honored when I  speak? 

Parents, friends, what is your motive when you post something or comment on someone else's post? Is it to contradict? Is it to offer your thoughts on your own research? There's a big difference. And it comes down to knowing why you feel the need to engage in the first place. If your motive is driven by an emotion, stop. If it is driven by a need to "one up" another parent, stop. If it is driven by a desire to cause dissension or offense, stop. 

Just stop. 

Stop perpetuating this silly little social media spat.  Stop contributing to the alienation of parents.  Support the parents in your path.  Love them.  Extend grace.  Stop and think before speaking.  You may not always agree with a parenting choice.  And you may indeed have a better way.  But no one is going to want to take a look at it if your ramming it down their throats.   

Examine your motives. Examine your heart. 

I'm not saying to stop posting or commenting. I'm just saying that there's a better way to educate, inform, and support other parents. And you know what, believers? It starts with us. We are the example. We are the light in the dark. Our words carry weight. They carry power. And they should carry grace. 

Bottom line: It's not about being the better parent.  It's about being a better sharer of the Gospel.

Battle Ground

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  Mostly because I have been a little overwhelmed and have gotten behind on just about everything.  In fact, it seems like everything around me has entered a state of chaos due to lack of productivity.  From my job to my home(I'm putting off laundry right now), to life in general.  And an overwhelmed me = a STRESSED me.  
Lately my source of stress has been work.  At the beginning of the summer we had some office construction that left me homeless for a bit and without access to my computer.  I literally had no place to go to do my work or a computer with which to do that work...which meant, I didn't do any.  Work that is.  At all.  For several months.  Meanwhile the books just kept coming in.  (I work in a library and catalog the books.)  
Flash forward to August and I finally got to move into my new office and get my computer back.  I unpacked about 100 books that had been sitting in a corner of the library waiting for me to catalog them and that's when it happened.  The server died.  The one I have to use to load my files into our cataloging system.  Dead.  Never coming back, dead.
So, I didn't panic, I just kept processing books, waiting for them to fix the server so that I could actually catalog.  Then I got overwhelmed by the amount of work I had on my hands processing.  I mean usually I never have more than 25 books at a time on my desk to process and catalog.  I'm fairly efficient that way.  Every day I would spend hours flipping through books, checking for missing pages, mistakes in the printing, damage to the coverings.  Then hours, stamping, printing purchasing information in the gutter of each book, securing tattle-tape (a thin piece of magnetic tape that alerts the security system when it hasn't been deactivated at check-out), organizing into groups for covering and labeling.  Then MORE hours, covering books and placing protective laminate on paperbacks.  Are you worn out yet? Because I am.  
Whew! For two months that has been my life.  I take a few breaks to ward against the monotony and inevitable headaches.  I have also had plenty of distractions with the other parts of my job duties as well.  In addition to cataloging, I have the pleasure of helping our library clerk wait on the student population hand and foot.  I am also expected to perform outreach services duties.  This means I have to come up with displays for the library and events or services that will help/draw in our customers.  We do specific outreach activities at least once a month.  And I am expected to participate every time.
I have a big job.  Correction: a big, under appreciated, job.  Add to that the amount of drama my coworkers tend to cook up and the past few months have been hellish.  And I am sick of it!  
You guessed it, this is my venting blog. Because I need to VENT, VENT, VENT, in a major way.  If you follow me on Twitter or we are friends on FaceBook then you have probably already seen that my job is a little high-maintenance and that I both LOVE and am irritated by it.
Back to those mountains of books I was telling you about earlier.  This week I FINALLY saw the light at the end of tunnel when it came to finishing processing those books.  (I counted: there are actually about 125 of them now.)  I am THIS CLOSE to being done and being able to start the actual cataloging process (they finally fixed the server a couple weeks ago, so I'm golden! Yea!).  My plan was to finish processing by yesterday or Monday/Tuesday-ish and then start cataloging.  Once I start that, I should be done with those books within a week and a half-ish, barring no errors.  Yippee!!  Or so I thought.
Thursday, as I finished my lunch break at my desk, my boss entered my office, shutting the door, and informing me that "we need to have a talk".  I politely wiped my mouth and moved my food to the side of my desk out of her line of sight and waited while she took a seat.  It didn't seem to phase her that she had obviously interrupted me, nor did she seem to realize that I was still on my lunch hour.
For the next 30 minutes I was berated and belittled about my work ethic, training, and productivity.  Not only was I told how I was to do my job from now on, I was also told how much of it each day I was to do and report back to her.  She also informed me that I was being relieved of some of my cataloging duties because another coworker had already assured her that she would be able to perform said duties better and quicker than I could.  I was also told that if I could not turn in a certain amount of work by the following morning, then I could expect "another talk".
Not once was I given an opportunity to respond, offer my plan of action, or even speak.  As she stood to leave my office, I attempted to communicate my reaction and was told that she was "tired of hearing excuses".  Seeing as this was the first time I've ever been told I was doing a bad job or asked about the progress of my job, I wasn't actually sure what that meant.  I was flabbergasted.  And devastated.  I've never been told that I was doing a bad job in the 3.5 years I've worked in the library.  In fact, I've been promoted, given raises and commendations, at every single one of my evaluations.  This was a first.

I tried my best to complete that days task (given to me only 3.5 hours before the work day ended), knowing that I would not finish it.  The amount of work I'd just been asked to do would take at least 2 days to complete.  The books I'd been asked to catalog immediately were all books that had not been processed completely yet.  My mind was racing and my heart sank.  
I knew that the past month had been a little more dramatic in the office than usual.  I have one coworker who intentionally harasses the rest of us, a boss who hates her and has sunk to disciplining her things that may not have even been her fault just to spite her, another coworker who responds to everyone with passive aggressiveness and refusal to collaborate when she thinks she isn't getting what she wants, and, and.....  Are you as overstimulated as I am right now? Wow.  No wonder the encounter in my office nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown.
I had just realized that one coworkers drama had spun into an entire interoffice battle ground!  And I had inserted myself right into the middle of it, simply because I had chosen to be uncompromising in my integrity.  Follow me here:  Coworker A has been the aggressor in several incidences. She intentionally does things that will cause more work for or make her coworkers look inept.  Coworker B does not like Coworker A in the least and does not even attempt to be cordial.  Boss-lady agrees with Coworker B.  Boss-lady and Coworker B decide to push coworker A's buttons in an attempt to "corner" her and cause her to do something fire able.   
Here's where I come in.  I happen to like coworker A and have spent 3.5 years trying to develop a friendship, despite being burned many, many, times.  I don't like what she does either and want peace as much as anyone does.  However, I think if she's going to disciplined and fired over something, it needs to be legit.  And that's what got me in "trouble".  I voiced that opinion to both coworker B and Boss-lady.  And they were offended.  
Commence Operation: Finding Fire Able Offenses for Coworker A and Enemy Cataloger.
So that is what prompted the meeting in my office on Thursday.  And the silent treatment on Friday.  (And the second talk which finally came at the end of the day, where I was told that my boss had been informed that I was not a team player and that I could not cooperate with the other outreach person.  She has decided that I am not allowed to do anything outreach related unless the other person approves of it.)  I literally made myself sick Thursday night and Friday morning with anxiety.  After talking things through with trusted friends and my husband, I decided to go see our assistant director.  Initially, I thought I was going to turn in my two-weeks notice.  But after a long discussion, the a.d. talked me out of it, for now.  She was unaware that the situation in the library had reached the level it had.  And she didn't want to lose me as an employee.  She asked me for the opportunity to try and fix the situation.  To find a solution of some sort for me and the other library employees.  ALL of us.  And we figured out that we were both in the same boat, on the same page, and seeing eye to eye.  I discovered I had a source of support and encouragement.
And that's why I haven't quit my job yet.  But my a.d. let me know that she would support my decision to leave if a solution could not be found.  And I'm definitely still looking around for options.  I don't know what will happen.  But I do know that God is so much bigger than the drama, my fear, and any financial needs my family needs met if I choose to leave the library before securing another place of employment.
It only took me this long to figure out I was hanging on to fears and anxieties that God had already stripped away.  It only took me this long to figure out that I never had to be afraid.  It only took me this long to realize that I don't have to fight this battle.  It has already been won by the One who will always be my Knight in Shimmering Armor.