Day 24

I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.

More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder.  I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school.  I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy.  I have had to be a grown up for most of my life.  I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life.  Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them.  But, I still miss my mom.  I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries.  I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her.  Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms.  I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today.  Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.

BUT:  I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her.  Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with.  She is so strong and good and compassionate.  I know she doesn't always feel that way.  Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie.  But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life.  I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her.  She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me. 

So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two. 
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me.  Karon,  thank you for loving me. 

Day 23

My favorite book is "Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White

This was the first "chapter" book I ever read.  In fact, I think I've probably read this book a hundred times by now, possibly more.  And, yeah, I still cry at the end of it.  EVERY TIME.  I will never forget being introduced to this book by my first-grade teacher, Marilyn Vermillion.  I absolutely loved it.  Marilyn always hated reading the part where Charlotte dies because she would cry, and every year for quite awhile she would ask me to come read that chapter to her classes for her because she knew how much I loved to read, and how much I loved that book.  There are children's books that I remember loving as a little kid, but this is the very first book I remember vividly falling in love with.  I can't wait to read it to my "neices" when they're a little older.  I hope they'll love it as much as I do!

Day 22

I wish I were better at teaching/speaking in public.  But I'm terrified of microphones (they make me nervous!).  I'm also terrified of being the center of attention.  I don't even like having my birthday announced and there dang sure better not be any restaurant singing...I'll happily pay for my birthday dessert as long as no one surrounds me and starts singing.  I have literally walked out on friends and family who did not take this seriously.  I HATE being the person everyone is paying attention too.
Now, over the years I've gotten slightly better.  I can make short announcements or introduce myself at retreats.  I've even taught some short little 15-20 minute lessons when used to do the love letter activity on retreats. 
I have always wanted to be a great speaker/teacher though.  Weird, right?  I'm terrified of doing the thing that I've always thought I'd like to be able to do some day.  It just doesn't seem to be my calling though.  Which I'm definitely ok with, I just also wish I could do it if necessary.  It will definitely have to be a Jesus thing if the occasion should ever arise.

Day 21

A picture of something I wish I could forget....

Hmm...I think I'm gonna have to take a cop out on this one.  There are quite a few things I wish I could forget, but there aren't pictures out there to represent them.  Also, I'm one of those people who would choose not to change things anyway.  I think we learn invaluable lessons through the trials and consequences of life and that there's no sense changing things because ultimately it doesn't matter. 

Day 20

Day 20- A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel:



I would love to travel to Greece someday!!



Runaway

Another poem...They just pop into my head and I'm never convinced that I actually like them, but here you go:

I'm caught in the in-between and I'm never sure anymore.
Should I run or should I hide?
Either way, I might die and I'm so afraid to be unafraid because you might leave me here alone.

Can you hear my heart breaking?
It's so loud, it's all I hear, like an ocean in my ears.
Will you stop to save me now or will you stand and watch me drown?

Do you know how close I am to falling all apart?
Can you hear me screaming out over the fear inside my heart?

You tell me that I'm brave and I know that it's not true...
I'm only brave when I'm with you.


I think sometimes that this is how I treat the Lord.  I'm running scared and I'm afraid to trust Him.  I just keep moving, hoping that if I'm moving, then I won't sink.  It all comes back to Him standing in front of me, holding out His hand, and asking me: "Do you trust Me?  Will you let Me lead?"  I get so busy seeing how I'm leaving Him behind that I forget He's never left my side.  So it's time to be a brave girl and recognize His strength in my weakness (something my sweet friend, Darah, is so good at reminding me of).  I have to stop running because I'm only going to get all out of breath.  It's time to sit awhile and get my bearings and allow Jesus to lead the way.  Yes, even if that means I don't "get my way" or really know the plan (right, Jayci? ;)). 

Uh oh, I think I feel that stretching feeling you get right before some major growing pains...

Day 19

Day 19...now this was fun.  I recently found an old picture of me, my sister, and our cousins when we were all little tiny things.  It's fabulous and I couldn't wait to post it.  So here ya go...oh and I'm the one in the middle with the green shirt.  My daddy informed me that he thought I was some little boy he couldn't remember sitting there next to my cousin.  I prefer to think that is because this is a very old picture and it's a little faded.  (Phoebe: consider yourself avenged, please ;) )



From left to right: Shane, Kimberly, Michael, Me, Robert, and Jeron.  Aren't we cute?? :)

It still amazes me that my Meme and Papa used to keep all six of us at once on occasion.  We were messes! I miss those days when we were all always together and getting into all kinds of trouble..actually the boys were always in trouble...I was just usually tagging along watching the trouble.  Time moves swiftly.  I hope we will have more times when we are all together again.  I miss my cousins and as I get older I realize how important they are.

Day 18

Day 18: A picture of my biggest insecurity....

Will I be a good wife??

There ya go folks...that's my biggest insecurity right now.  I wrestle with whether I will make it as a wife.  Will I be a good one?  Will I be a loving one?  Will I be like the wife in Proverbs?  Or will I grow bitter and condescending and pushy and terrible?  Will I be the helpmate my husband needs? Or will I drive him away and build up a bridge between us so far across that neither of us will be willing to cross it again? 

I don't have the answers to these questions.  But I do know that God is good and faithful.  I know that if I can continue to cling to Him it doesn't matter what the question is...the answer is always Him and Him alone.

Day 17

Whew! When I started this journey I did not anticipate how busy I would get with work, school, ministry...good grief.  I'm slowly but surely catching up though...today will be another whirlwind of blogging for as long as I can get it in.  So hang tight.

Day 17 is about something that has made a huge impact on my life recently.  I don't have a picture...mainly because I'm not creative enough to come up with a way to photograph it.  Maybe I should have asked my friend Lynn (photographer extraordinaire...don't believe me?  You should go see my engagement/wedding pics.  Tell me she isn't a genius. I dare you. ;).  Anyway, the thing of which I speak is this: counseling.  Yep.  It's had a HUGE impact on my life. 

Counseling has given me a sense of self back.  Well, the tools I've gained through counseling have anyway.  I feel like I suddenly have a whole repertoire of resources to draw on to handle any situation.  I've started processing my thoughts in a healthy way and acting on them in a healthy way.  I've learned how to allow myself emotions without allowing my emotions to rule me.  I'm learning so much about communication and boundaries.  It has been such a great process for me.

Most importantly, I'm healthy.  Mentally and spiritually.  (I've gotta start working on that physically part again soon.)  I've regained a sense of connection to my community and my Savior.  My relationship with Jesus is steadily getting back to a great place.  I've never felt more attuned to the Spirit than I do right now either. 
And I'm learning to trust Father on a whole new level.

I am so thankful for counseling and my therapist, Lisa.  I'm thankful to my husband and Nikki for supporting me in the decision to seek counseling.  I'm thankful to my Princess Linda for always being so willing to counsel me "on the side" so to speak and reinforce the things I'm learning from Lisa. 

Counseling has been a very good thing.  I think everyone should do it! ;)

Day 16

Day 16 is supposed to be a picture of someone who inspires me.  I don't know if I am inspired by one person entirely, so I decided to go a different route with this one.  I chose to represent authors who have inspired me either with their lives, their work, or their characters...or all of the above.  From the time I was a little girl until now I have been in love with books.  I love to read and I have always wanted to write wonderful stories that would come alive in the hearts and minds of those who read them. 

E.B. White

"Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White is my all time favorite book.  It's the first book that touched me deeply.  I think I was six years old at the time.  But it changed my life.  Not only did I love books, but I suddenly desired to create stories as vivid and heart-wrenching as Charlotte and Wilbur's story.  Mr. White's story sparked the first glint of creativity in my little soul.

Louisa May Alcott

Next, I ate up the "Little Women" books...I adored the March family and followed them through each of the books.  "Jo's Boys" is my favorite.  I devoured everything written by Ms. Alcott with such hunger, my mother wasn't sure what she'd do when I ran out.  (She introduced me to Lucy Maud Montgomery, who I loved, but always went back to Louisa time after time.)

Madeleine L'Engle

One of the first fantasy books I ever read was "A Wrinkle In Time".  From that moment on I was hooked on fantasy.  I wanted more.  I wanted to write it.  It was the epitome of everything I'd ever tried to imagine and I loved it.

Is it any wonder then that I continue to re-read and draw inspiration from the following authors?

C.S. Lewis

Garth Nix

J.K. Rowling

Stephenie Meyer

Neil Gaiman

I still have stories trapped in my head and my heart.  Maybe one day I'll be brave enough (and less critical of myself) to put pen to paper and dream for a public audience.  Maybe.  But, I will always love books and the people who write them.  Because they inspire me to dream.