Trust & Obey

I 've had the old hymn "Trust and Obey" stuck in my head for a week.  It just popped in there and hung around for a bit.  It was never one that particularly struck a chord with me or one of my top ten go-to hymns, but there it was.  I think the fact that it's a pretty good summary of my journey right now isn't coincidental.  Jesus says,'Trust Me', and I say,"I'll obey" has been the ebb and flow of me for a few months now.

Today, I sat working on some things and again, that old tune started up.  So, in an effort to get it out of my head, I googled it.  There they were: the lyrics.  Yes, I thought, I'll sing it a couple times and get it out of my head and move on.  The music started up and I glanced at the first verse and began to sing.  By verse two, I was unable to sing because the tears were flowing quickly and my voice was too thick with emotion to continue.

When we walk with the Lord
  In the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way;
  While we do His good will,
  He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

• Trust and obey,
  For there's no other way
  To be happy in Jesus,
    But to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise,
  Not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
  Not a doubt or a fear,
  Not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Look at the words.  Read them. Soak them in.  When we walk with the Lord, glory He sheds on our way, no shadow, no fear, no doubt, He drives them away while we trust and obey.  I have never felt more fearless...I've been trusting and obeying...I've never been so happy, even in the face of adversity, I've been trusting and obeying. 

Not a burden we bear,
  Not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
  Not a grief or a loss,
  Not a frown or a cross,
But is blest if we trust and obey.

My burdens? My sorrows? He repays them, He blesses me through them.  I truly get that now.

But we never can prove
  The delights of His love,
Until all on the altar we lay;
  For the favor He shows,
  And the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

This verse echoes in my heart: But we never can prove the delights of His love, until all on the altar we lay.  It's deep down Truth.  Until I trusted him and layed down all I had on the altar of obedience, I could never have enjoyed the delight of His love the way that I do now.  It is so much richer, sweeter, fuller...

Shift

I had a conversation with a former co-worker this week that ended up kinda blowing my mind.  It lasted about 20 minutes, but I still can't stop thinking about it and what resulted in my own heart because of it.  My whole world shifted because of one little light bulb moment.


The best way I can convey what happened to me is to recount the conversation and how God used it to stir something in me:


I visited my former workplace this week and began to talk to a former co-worker.  We had a 20 minute conversation about what I've been doing, my ministry efforts, and it turned to my desire to visit Ghana and actually help at Pearl House as a volunteer sporadically in the future.  This also led to talking about the issue of human trafficking and why I think Pearl House can make a difference.  


By the end of the conversation my co-worker looks at me and says: 
"I'm really glad that you're doing something you're passionate about and using it to get involved in this trafficking project and it's great that it upsets you BUT, don't let it drive you crazy. I mean you can't fix it or do a whole lot, I'd hate for you to go crazy over this and turn into one of those radicals. You're a good girl!"


I told her I would try not to be a crazy person and we parted. But inside my head Jesus and I were having another conversation:
Me: Huh, when did I become in danger of becoming a "radical"? And when did being called a "good girl" start to make me feel like it was a bad thing?
Jesus: Is being considered radical that bad?
Me: I don't feel radical.
Jesus: In her world you are.
Me: That's very sad.
Jesus: There's more.
Me: What?
Jesus: There's more. This is just the beginning.
Me: Oh dear. Beginning of what?
Jesus: You felt "radical" for the first time today because someone noticed that you have changed in the few months since you left here.
Me: I haven't changed THAT much...have I?
Jesus: You have. And it's radically different from the you that worked here.


In that tiny little moment I realized what God had been doing in me for the last few months.  For me, over time, it didn't seem like I was changing or had any major spiritual leaps.  But in one tiny moment, God moved the curtain a little and I was able to see what He had done in technicolor, wide screen, 3D, whatever you wanna call it, through the vantage point of someone on the outside of my life looking in.  A beacon of light broke down from the heavens and highlighted every little step I had taken and gave me a vision of who I was, who I am becoming, and who I could be.  BAM.  Shift.  Wow.  It was shocking.  Overwhelming. Breath taking.


Me: OH CRAP. YOU'RE RIGHT.
Jesus: And THAT is just the beginning.
Me: Whoa. I think my world just shifted a little. I'm excited and frightened and... Do I need to know anymore right now? Because I think I might freak out.
Jesus, with a definite smile in His voice: That's all for now. But you need to be ready for the rest.
End conversation.


My life and my heart are forever changed because of that itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, little glimpse from God.  I am a little less selfish.  I am a little more aware of my surroundings.  I realized I have a heart.  I can be compassionate.  I can be PASSIONATE.  


I find myself for the first time more willing that I have ever been to actually be fearless for the Lord and His calling.  Of course I'm terrified, but to be fearless doesn't mean I am unafraid...just willing to move beyond that crippling fear and into the freedom of obedience and life in Christ.  Being fearful= inaction.  Being fearless=action.  Make sense?


I don't know what's happening to me or where I'm headed.   I know it's Christ in me moving me towards something big.  I'm ready.  Bring it on.  I don't think I could ever look back now.  

New Year, New Adventure

Friends, we are only 9 days into this New Year and already I can't believe how much God has done and is going to do!! It's going to be a crazy (in a good way) year. I don't have much new to report on the job front, but praying for everyone involved as we decide how best to proceed.  I am confident that God will work it out in one way or another.  I have such peace about the calling He has placed on me that even if I continue to "volunteer" my ministry time, it's totally worth it.  But that isn't what this post is about.  In this post I want to talk about a different adventure. :)

In March I will be running my first half-marathon.  (Well...maybe walking it, but dang it I will try my best to run it.)  Now for some people this might be an attempt to compete or get fit or do something healthy.  But for me it's about something different.  It's about supporting a ministry that has become such an inspiration to me.  As Our Own is an organization in India that rescues girls out of human trafficking and takes them in "as their own"...they adopt these girls into their families and love them and take care of them for the rest of their lives.  AMAZING.

So, when I heard about this ministry and what they were doing I immediately started looking into ways to support them.  That's how I heard about the "I Will Run" campaign.  They started a campaign to ask supporters to raise money for the charity and awareness about human trafficking by competing in 10 races in 10 cities, highlighting the stories of 10 different girls.  I was hooked.   Fortunately, so was Nikki.  She was the person who first told me about this ministry and had been reading about the campaign as well.  Somehow we managed to get signed up, talk several other people into running with us, and start raising money.

The last two days I've been able to knock out 1.5 miles.  I can't imagine how I'll get to 13 miles.  But dang it.  I will do my very best to do it for Parul.

As I sat down to recover from my run today though, it hit me.  I am so blessed.  I mean I think I have it bad being a little sore and busting my tail to be prepared for a race.  I worry about little things like whether I will be able to help contribute to my family's income or not, when we have plenty and won't be hurting even if I can't pull off a paycheck.  I gripe about having to eat the same thing every day when there are so many who may not eat, let alone be able to eat something healthy.  As I type, I'm sitting on my comfy couch, in my warm house, using my MAC computer.  So many are cold, hungry, homeless, and take a warm cup of coffee over a fancy computer any day.

It hurt to think of how selfish and undeserving I am.  It hurt more that I realized I don't really think about these things.  I mean REALLY think about them.  I became heart broken all over again for these girls and what they have had to endure.  I praise God for the ones who are rescued.

My little run may not mean much in the grand scheme of things.  But I pray that every time I'm sore, or cold, or feel like quitting, I will remember that there is another girl out there somewhere who is more sore and colder and scared and I will run for her.  I will run because others need to know and be spurred into action.  I will run because her life means more to me than my own.  I will run because if I'm not running then I'm sitting around doing nothing...and nothing is no longer an option.

Friends, I hope you'll take some time today to go check out As Our Own.  www.asourown.org  They are amazing and you should support them.

My next post will be a look into America's role in human trafficking.  I think it will surprise you.  I hope it will spur you into action.

White Flag (Or New Orders)

I couldn't decide how I wanted to title this post...in keeping with my battle theme from the first two, I thought 'white flag' was appropriate, but then it also sounded like I was giving up, when in reality I was very much victorious.  So then I thought, 'new orders' because even though I won, I'm also moving on.  So I went with both.  Sort of.  Anyway...

My last post talked about the drama I had going on at work, in particular with my boss, and about how God had asked me to trust him and I wasn't sure at the time what that meant exactly.  Ready to find out? :)

After my boss refused to talk things through with me (in fact, refused to talk to me at all), I went back to my assistant director and talked to her.  I had several options, all of which would only lead to more drama, more stress, and no real solution.

So we prayed.  She prayed.  I prayed.  My husband, family, close friends...all of us prayed.  And then God spoke so clearly it was almost audible (at least for me):  'TRUST ME'.  Only this time, He also said,' LEAVE'.  And by leave, I mean my job.  So, I turned in my two weeks notice and as of December 22, I am no longer employed.

I have to admit, leaving without knowing what I was stepping into was pretty scary for me.  I am a planner.  I like plans.  Especially ones with a beginning, middle, and end.  And me seeing all of those things from the beginning.

As God asked me to leave the library I remember saying to Him, 'Ok, but..uh...what's next?'  I had been turning in resumes and applications at every opportunity I had seen for two months.  I hadn't had one call back.  As I asked, Holy Spirit spoke up.  He said, 'Courtney, do you trust the Lord?'  'Well, yeah, 'I answered.  'Then have faith.'

Have faith?  Uh oh.  God rarely utters those two words without crazy stuff happening afterword.  Just look at what happened to Abraham (became the father of a nation) or Moses (became the leader of a nation) or Mary (became mother to the Messiah!!).  CRAZY STUFF.

Now, my case isn't that extreme, but at the time I didn't know that. Ha ha.  So I ran to my hubby and closest prayer warriors and asked them to PRAY.  I mean, REALLY PRAY.  :)  And they did.

Hubby and I both prayed specifically that God would give us a clearer picture of what He meant when He said, "Trust Me and have faith".  Boy, did He answer.  It may not have been a call to lead a nation...but it was pretty life changing.

'What?! What did He answer?!', you ask?  He asked me to quit my job.  Then He asked me to trust Him.  Then He asked me to have faith.  Then He asked me to give Him my time.  All of it.  He asked me to enter into full-time ministry.  And He asked me to trust that He would provide for my family financially, because the ministry He wanted me to be a part of full-time can't pay me unless I raise my own support.

Yeah.  I'm pretty blown away too.

So, I put on my big girl panties and said,'OK, Lord.'

I enlisted friends to pray.   I drew up a "business plan" for the founder of the ministry to look at and waited.  That turned into such an enthusiastic response, I can't even do it justice here, ha ha.  Let's just say that God gave me a HUGE vision for my future in I.D. Ministries and Courtney Belle was VERY excited.

So that led to making contact through another I.D. person with someone who could help me figure out how to make this happen financially.  And that turned into getting my first guaranteed donor towards my first paycheck.  And an invaluable resource and 'mentor' so to speak!!

I'm still not 100% sure how everything will work or when it will all be nailed down.  And even if I don't make a dime, I will be devoting my time and attention to the calling God has placed on me.  I can't wait!

I am PUMPED UP right now.  God is so good.  And I can't wait to see where else these new orders will lead me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord,"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Exit Strategy aka Operation: New Beginnings

Wow.  So much has happened since my last blog post.  Mostly more drama...most of it work, some of it personal...but, lordy, was there drama.  *Wipes sweat from brow*
Where do I start?  Hmm...I think I'll start with work, move to Old Blue, and wrap up with work again.  So, here we go.  After my last post, I had another meeting with my Assistant Director and we agreed to just see if things could simmer down while I continued to seek ways to make peace with my coworkers and looked for an opportunity to approach my boss.  Over time things have calmed down between my self and my coworkers.  But things still haven't been right between me and the boss.  So yesterday when she gave me yet another dressing down, I got brave.  I asked her what I'd done and how could I make things right with her?  Turns out she has been upset.  But won't discuss the event that caused her to be upset with me...she feels it's "none of my business".  What??
In a nutshell: Someone told her something about me that has caused her to decide she no longer wants to have anything to do with me.  But she never came to me to see if what was said was true or give me an opportunity to fix it.  I was given a vague idea of what was said, but was told I didn't need to know and that we were just going to move on.  She informed me that I could not count on her for support or anything really in the future...she was done talking about the situation and she was done with me.
Of course I was confused, hurt, angry...but most of all peaceful. 'Wait, did she say peaceful', you ask? Yeah, it threw me off too.  For the first time, I felt like I had done EVERYTHING I could...and even though it wasn't enough...I knew that I had conducted myself with integrity and grace.  That doesn't happen very often people.  Ask my close friends and family.  They'll tell you I'm a scrapper at heart.  I was raised southern and yes, my neck is red, which means I know how to raise some..ahem...Cain. ;)  It also means I've experienced more than my fair share of grace from those same close friends and family.  I recognize it for what it is worth...way more than I could ever deserve.
Through all of this I recognized that God was trying to teach me something more deep than I could have ever seen.  He was cultivating in me a response I had never been willing to give to Him...until now.  We'll get back to what that is in a minute.  Now for Old Blue.
Oh, Old Blue.  Gosh, darn it, I loved that car.  Yes, car.  She was my first and she was loyal and true to the end.
On October 22, Old Blue was the victim of an untimely demise...she was murdered.  It sounds harsh, but at the time it's how I felt.  My poor car was completely totaled in a car accident on I-35.
My sister was with me and we both are OK.  I have some soft tissue damage in my shoulders and lower back, but physical therapy is working and I'm on the mend.
All in all, it really could have been a horrible accident.  But good Old Blue sacrificed herself for her people and will forever remain a hero in my eyes.  I'm so dramatic.  I know.
But in all seriousness, Blue was a tank and she took the hit like a trouper. Driving that car, that day, literally kept my little sis and I from larger harm.  As the accident happened it was amazing to see God's hand moving in real time all around us.  His timing really is perfect.  It happened so quickly and yet, there were only 3 cars involved in the accident, when it could easily have been a pile up, and there were no major injuries.  Clear cut miracle.  No joke.
As I said, the car was totaled.  So I have had the last few weeks to deal with insurance companies and agents and adjustors, and looking for a new car.  It's been very overwhelming.  So overwhelming that I stopped agonizing over work.
They say the body can only handle one major pain at a time...even if you hurt all over, your brain will pick up on which pain is the most sensitive and channel your attention there.  I think that's how my brain works with stress too.  So I've been totally focused on the car and all that went into that I stopped worrying about what was happening at work.  And every step of the way in all of this God was saying,'Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.'
Again, I heard him say it, yesterday before, during, and after the conversation with my boss.  And again, when I went to my assistant director.  I knew that what I had set out to do here had happened.  When all of this began, my only goal was to attempt to make peace with my coworkers and know that whatever the result...I had tried and God was honored.  I accomplished that.  I have been released from my burden here.  And given orders to start down a new path.  I'm not sure I know what that will look like yet, but I'm excited to see.  God knew that I needed to have this experience so that I could trust His voice again.  He was singing over me all along. He was constantly urging me to trust, sending me messages in His word, speaking to me through Holy Spirit, and sending me wise counsel in the form of Lisa Howell and Nikki Lokey.  He was constant and true, and He never gave up.
Each time I heard the Lord speak, I knew down deep that I was answering Him back with a yes.  I just wasn't sure what I was saying yes to.  But in every situation with work, and the car, and having to buy a New Blue, and the situation that happened yesterday, I had an underlying peace, and last night, I knew that I could let go and follow with a new found determination.  I don't know where we are going, but we are going...somewhere.  It will be incredible.

Battle Ground

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  Mostly because I have been a little overwhelmed and have gotten behind on just about everything.  In fact, it seems like everything around me has entered a state of chaos due to lack of productivity.  From my job to my home(I'm putting off laundry right now), to life in general.  And an overwhelmed me = a STRESSED me.  
Lately my source of stress has been work.  At the beginning of the summer we had some office construction that left me homeless for a bit and without access to my computer.  I literally had no place to go to do my work or a computer with which to do that work...which meant, I didn't do any.  Work that is.  At all.  For several months.  Meanwhile the books just kept coming in.  (I work in a library and catalog the books.)  
Flash forward to August and I finally got to move into my new office and get my computer back.  I unpacked about 100 books that had been sitting in a corner of the library waiting for me to catalog them and that's when it happened.  The server died.  The one I have to use to load my files into our cataloging system.  Dead.  Never coming back, dead.
So, I didn't panic, I just kept processing books, waiting for them to fix the server so that I could actually catalog.  Then I got overwhelmed by the amount of work I had on my hands processing.  I mean usually I never have more than 25 books at a time on my desk to process and catalog.  I'm fairly efficient that way.  Every day I would spend hours flipping through books, checking for missing pages, mistakes in the printing, damage to the coverings.  Then hours, stamping, printing purchasing information in the gutter of each book, securing tattle-tape (a thin piece of magnetic tape that alerts the security system when it hasn't been deactivated at check-out), organizing into groups for covering and labeling.  Then MORE hours, covering books and placing protective laminate on paperbacks.  Are you worn out yet? Because I am.  
Whew! For two months that has been my life.  I take a few breaks to ward against the monotony and inevitable headaches.  I have also had plenty of distractions with the other parts of my job duties as well.  In addition to cataloging, I have the pleasure of helping our library clerk wait on the student population hand and foot.  I am also expected to perform outreach services duties.  This means I have to come up with displays for the library and events or services that will help/draw in our customers.  We do specific outreach activities at least once a month.  And I am expected to participate every time.
I have a big job.  Correction: a big, under appreciated, job.  Add to that the amount of drama my coworkers tend to cook up and the past few months have been hellish.  And I am sick of it!  
You guessed it, this is my venting blog. Because I need to VENT, VENT, VENT, in a major way.  If you follow me on Twitter or we are friends on FaceBook then you have probably already seen that my job is a little high-maintenance and that I both LOVE and am irritated by it.
Back to those mountains of books I was telling you about earlier.  This week I FINALLY saw the light at the end of tunnel when it came to finishing processing those books.  (I counted: there are actually about 125 of them now.)  I am THIS CLOSE to being done and being able to start the actual cataloging process (they finally fixed the server a couple weeks ago, so I'm golden! Yea!).  My plan was to finish processing by yesterday or Monday/Tuesday-ish and then start cataloging.  Once I start that, I should be done with those books within a week and a half-ish, barring no errors.  Yippee!!  Or so I thought.
Thursday, as I finished my lunch break at my desk, my boss entered my office, shutting the door, and informing me that "we need to have a talk".  I politely wiped my mouth and moved my food to the side of my desk out of her line of sight and waited while she took a seat.  It didn't seem to phase her that she had obviously interrupted me, nor did she seem to realize that I was still on my lunch hour.
For the next 30 minutes I was berated and belittled about my work ethic, training, and productivity.  Not only was I told how I was to do my job from now on, I was also told how much of it each day I was to do and report back to her.  She also informed me that I was being relieved of some of my cataloging duties because another coworker had already assured her that she would be able to perform said duties better and quicker than I could.  I was also told that if I could not turn in a certain amount of work by the following morning, then I could expect "another talk".
Not once was I given an opportunity to respond, offer my plan of action, or even speak.  As she stood to leave my office, I attempted to communicate my reaction and was told that she was "tired of hearing excuses".  Seeing as this was the first time I've ever been told I was doing a bad job or asked about the progress of my job, I wasn't actually sure what that meant.  I was flabbergasted.  And devastated.  I've never been told that I was doing a bad job in the 3.5 years I've worked in the library.  In fact, I've been promoted, given raises and commendations, at every single one of my evaluations.  This was a first.

I tried my best to complete that days task (given to me only 3.5 hours before the work day ended), knowing that I would not finish it.  The amount of work I'd just been asked to do would take at least 2 days to complete.  The books I'd been asked to catalog immediately were all books that had not been processed completely yet.  My mind was racing and my heart sank.  
I knew that the past month had been a little more dramatic in the office than usual.  I have one coworker who intentionally harasses the rest of us, a boss who hates her and has sunk to disciplining her things that may not have even been her fault just to spite her, another coworker who responds to everyone with passive aggressiveness and refusal to collaborate when she thinks she isn't getting what she wants, and, and.....  Are you as overstimulated as I am right now? Wow.  No wonder the encounter in my office nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown.
I had just realized that one coworkers drama had spun into an entire interoffice battle ground!  And I had inserted myself right into the middle of it, simply because I had chosen to be uncompromising in my integrity.  Follow me here:  Coworker A has been the aggressor in several incidences. She intentionally does things that will cause more work for or make her coworkers look inept.  Coworker B does not like Coworker A in the least and does not even attempt to be cordial.  Boss-lady agrees with Coworker B.  Boss-lady and Coworker B decide to push coworker A's buttons in an attempt to "corner" her and cause her to do something fire able.   
Here's where I come in.  I happen to like coworker A and have spent 3.5 years trying to develop a friendship, despite being burned many, many, times.  I don't like what she does either and want peace as much as anyone does.  However, I think if she's going to disciplined and fired over something, it needs to be legit.  And that's what got me in "trouble".  I voiced that opinion to both coworker B and Boss-lady.  And they were offended.  
Commence Operation: Finding Fire Able Offenses for Coworker A and Enemy Cataloger.
So that is what prompted the meeting in my office on Thursday.  And the silent treatment on Friday.  (And the second talk which finally came at the end of the day, where I was told that my boss had been informed that I was not a team player and that I could not cooperate with the other outreach person.  She has decided that I am not allowed to do anything outreach related unless the other person approves of it.)  I literally made myself sick Thursday night and Friday morning with anxiety.  After talking things through with trusted friends and my husband, I decided to go see our assistant director.  Initially, I thought I was going to turn in my two-weeks notice.  But after a long discussion, the a.d. talked me out of it, for now.  She was unaware that the situation in the library had reached the level it had.  And she didn't want to lose me as an employee.  She asked me for the opportunity to try and fix the situation.  To find a solution of some sort for me and the other library employees.  ALL of us.  And we figured out that we were both in the same boat, on the same page, and seeing eye to eye.  I discovered I had a source of support and encouragement.
And that's why I haven't quit my job yet.  But my a.d. let me know that she would support my decision to leave if a solution could not be found.  And I'm definitely still looking around for options.  I don't know what will happen.  But I do know that God is so much bigger than the drama, my fear, and any financial needs my family needs met if I choose to leave the library before securing another place of employment.
It only took me this long to figure out I was hanging on to fears and anxieties that God had already stripped away.  It only took me this long to figure out that I never had to be afraid.  It only took me this long to realize that I don't have to fight this battle.  It has already been won by the One who will always be my Knight in Shimmering Armor.   

Runaway

Another poem...They just pop into my head and I'm never convinced that I actually like them, but here you go:

I'm caught in the in-between and I'm never sure anymore.
Should I run or should I hide?
Either way, I might die and I'm so afraid to be unafraid because you might leave me here alone.

Can you hear my heart breaking?
It's so loud, it's all I hear, like an ocean in my ears.
Will you stop to save me now or will you stand and watch me drown?

Do you know how close I am to falling all apart?
Can you hear me screaming out over the fear inside my heart?

You tell me that I'm brave and I know that it's not true...
I'm only brave when I'm with you.


I think sometimes that this is how I treat the Lord.  I'm running scared and I'm afraid to trust Him.  I just keep moving, hoping that if I'm moving, then I won't sink.  It all comes back to Him standing in front of me, holding out His hand, and asking me: "Do you trust Me?  Will you let Me lead?"  I get so busy seeing how I'm leaving Him behind that I forget He's never left my side.  So it's time to be a brave girl and recognize His strength in my weakness (something my sweet friend, Darah, is so good at reminding me of).  I have to stop running because I'm only going to get all out of breath.  It's time to sit awhile and get my bearings and allow Jesus to lead the way.  Yes, even if that means I don't "get my way" or really know the plan (right, Jayci? ;)). 

Uh oh, I think I feel that stretching feeling you get right before some major growing pains...

Walking in Freedom- The Journey to Fearless

Romans 8:14-17 (ESV)


For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Wow. There is a lot of good stuff in there. As I read this verse, I am reminded of what God was teaching me in my last post: about freedom breaking the bonds of fear. Because of the freedom Christ won for me, I am able to stand fearlessly in the face of the Enemy. And look, Paul says the same thing here in Romans 8: For you did not receive a spirit of SLAVERY TO FALL BACK INTO FEAR, but you have received the SPIRIT OF ADOPTION AS SONS [DAUGHTERS] and the Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God!

That being said, the enemy may try to draw me back into the chains of fear, but Christ won my freedom! And because I am free in Christ, I am never again subject to the slavery of fear! We have a shield against the Enemy’s attempts too: The Holy Spirit will bear witness with our spirit that we are children of God. He will remind us of the freedom we now walk in and at what price it was bought. He will remind us that when Christ shed His blood, it afforded us His title as a child of God, we were adopted by His Father and now share in His inheritance: FREEDOM.

Does this mean that everything will always be easy and I will not suffer any longer? No. Because of Christ’s sacrifice and our new identities in Him, the Enemy will try that much harder to bring us down. Sometimes, things will be bad. Sometimes, life will be hard. But there is HUGE difference between life in fear and life in Christ. Life lived in fear will be bleak, miserable, and heavy. Life lived in Christ means that we are walking in freedom, no longer held back or held down by fear. We will be truly free and truly fearless because no matter what life brings, we know without a shadow of a doubt that the Enemy has lost and CANNOT WIN. Christ has defeated fear and calls us to walk alongside him: FEARLESS.

Fears- Beginning the journey to Fearless

So, I've been supposed to be working on some material for Fearless...the next retreat series for I.D. Ministries. I'm not gonna lie. I have been ignoring it. You see, I'm a pretty fearful girl. I don't know that I can handle being fearless. I want to be. I do. But, I'm afraid that being fearful will be easier than being fearless. Anyone else seeing how deeply the Enemy has lied to me? I have fallen for it too, head over heels. Just as my mother, Eve, did. This is a problem. Commence Operation Walking in Freedom.

I realized that in order for my fearlessness to be developed, I needed to believe something else: that I am FREE. That means walking in the freedom Christ won for me on the cross. That also means confronting the Enemy and my fears head on with Truth. So as I confronted a few personal fears this morning, the first piece of writing that I've gotten stuck in my head in awhile started flowing from my pen.

It's a little rough(and by rough, I mean, really kind of horrible), but it's honest. It's also the first bit of 'poetry' that I've written in almost a year. I'm not sure I like it. But, Jesus told me to share it. So here it is, my honest prayer:

When it rains, it pours,
and all I feel is cold.
I'm drowning in my fears,
and it's more than life I'll lose.
When will you see my pain?
When will it speak to you?

When the sun comes out again,
I know I'll see the change,
but Lord, it's hard to wait,
I just wanna hear You call my name.
So pick us up and hold us close,
heal the wounds until they're closed.

Whisper Truth and certainty,
and teach us all Your ways.
Because the fear is crowding in,
and I can't stand to fall again.
So pick us up and hold us close,
until we're whole in You again.