Wow. So much has happened since my last blog post. Mostly more drama...most of it work, some of it personal...but, lordy, was there drama. *Wipes sweat from brow*
Where do I start? Hmm...I think I'll start with work, move to Old Blue, and wrap up with work again. So, here we go. After my last post, I had another meeting with my Assistant Director and we agreed to just see if things could simmer down while I continued to seek ways to make peace with my coworkers and looked for an opportunity to approach my boss. Over time things have calmed down between my self and my coworkers. But things still haven't been right between me and the boss. So yesterday when she gave me yet another dressing down, I got brave. I asked her what I'd done and how could I make things right with her? Turns out she has been upset. But won't discuss the event that caused her to be upset with me...she feels it's "none of my business". What??
In a nutshell: Someone told her something about me that has caused her to decide she no longer wants to have anything to do with me. But she never came to me to see if what was said was true or give me an opportunity to fix it. I was given a vague idea of what was said, but was told I didn't need to know and that we were just going to move on. She informed me that I could not count on her for support or anything really in the future...she was done talking about the situation and she was done with me.
Of course I was confused, hurt, angry...but most of all peaceful. 'Wait, did she say peaceful', you ask? Yeah, it threw me off too. For the first time, I felt like I had done EVERYTHING I could...and even though it wasn't enough...I knew that I had conducted myself with integrity and grace. That doesn't happen very often people. Ask my close friends and family. They'll tell you I'm a scrapper at heart. I was raised southern and yes, my neck is red, which means I know how to raise some..ahem...Cain. ;) It also means I've experienced more than my fair share of grace from those same close friends and family. I recognize it for what it is worth...way more than I could ever deserve.
Through all of this I recognized that God was trying to teach me something more deep than I could have ever seen. He was cultivating in me a response I had never been willing to give to Him...until now. We'll get back to what that is in a minute. Now for Old Blue.
Oh, Old Blue. Gosh, darn it, I loved that car. Yes, car. She was my first and she was loyal and true to the end.
On October 22, Old Blue was the victim of an untimely demise...she was murdered. It sounds harsh, but at the time it's how I felt. My poor car was completely totaled in a car accident on I-35.
My sister was with me and we both are OK. I have some soft tissue damage in my shoulders and lower back, but physical therapy is working and I'm on the mend.
All in all, it really could have been a horrible accident. But good Old Blue sacrificed herself for her people and will forever remain a hero in my eyes. I'm so dramatic. I know.
But in all seriousness, Blue was a tank and she took the hit like a trouper. Driving that car, that day, literally kept my little sis and I from larger harm. As the accident happened it was amazing to see God's hand moving in real time all around us. His timing really is perfect. It happened so quickly and yet, there were only 3 cars involved in the accident, when it could easily have been a pile up, and there were no major injuries. Clear cut miracle. No joke.
As I said, the car was totaled. So I have had the last few weeks to deal with insurance companies and agents and adjustors, and looking for a new car. It's been very overwhelming. So overwhelming that I stopped agonizing over work.
They say the body can only handle one major pain at a time...even if you hurt all over, your brain will pick up on which pain is the most sensitive and channel your attention there. I think that's how my brain works with stress too. So I've been totally focused on the car and all that went into that I stopped worrying about what was happening at work. And every step of the way in all of this God was saying,'Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.'
Again, I heard him say it, yesterday before, during, and after the conversation with my boss. And again, when I went to my assistant director. I knew that what I had set out to do here had happened. When all of this began, my only goal was to attempt to make peace with my coworkers and know that whatever the result...I had tried and God was honored. I accomplished that. I have been released from my burden here. And given orders to start down a new path. I'm not sure I know what that will look like yet, but I'm excited to see. God knew that I needed to have this experience so that I could trust His voice again. He was singing over me all along. He was constantly urging me to trust, sending me messages in His word, speaking to me through Holy Spirit, and sending me wise counsel in the form of Lisa Howell and Nikki Lokey. He was constant and true, and He never gave up.
Each time I heard the Lord speak, I knew down deep that I was answering Him back with a yes. I just wasn't sure what I was saying yes to. But in every situation with work, and the car, and having to buy a New Blue, and the situation that happened yesterday, I had an underlying peace, and last night, I knew that I could let go and follow with a new found determination. I don't know where we are going, but we are going...somewhere. It will be incredible.
