Exit Strategy aka Operation: New Beginnings

Wow.  So much has happened since my last blog post.  Mostly more drama...most of it work, some of it personal...but, lordy, was there drama.  *Wipes sweat from brow*
Where do I start?  Hmm...I think I'll start with work, move to Old Blue, and wrap up with work again.  So, here we go.  After my last post, I had another meeting with my Assistant Director and we agreed to just see if things could simmer down while I continued to seek ways to make peace with my coworkers and looked for an opportunity to approach my boss.  Over time things have calmed down between my self and my coworkers.  But things still haven't been right between me and the boss.  So yesterday when she gave me yet another dressing down, I got brave.  I asked her what I'd done and how could I make things right with her?  Turns out she has been upset.  But won't discuss the event that caused her to be upset with me...she feels it's "none of my business".  What??
In a nutshell: Someone told her something about me that has caused her to decide she no longer wants to have anything to do with me.  But she never came to me to see if what was said was true or give me an opportunity to fix it.  I was given a vague idea of what was said, but was told I didn't need to know and that we were just going to move on.  She informed me that I could not count on her for support or anything really in the future...she was done talking about the situation and she was done with me.
Of course I was confused, hurt, angry...but most of all peaceful. 'Wait, did she say peaceful', you ask? Yeah, it threw me off too.  For the first time, I felt like I had done EVERYTHING I could...and even though it wasn't enough...I knew that I had conducted myself with integrity and grace.  That doesn't happen very often people.  Ask my close friends and family.  They'll tell you I'm a scrapper at heart.  I was raised southern and yes, my neck is red, which means I know how to raise some..ahem...Cain. ;)  It also means I've experienced more than my fair share of grace from those same close friends and family.  I recognize it for what it is worth...way more than I could ever deserve.
Through all of this I recognized that God was trying to teach me something more deep than I could have ever seen.  He was cultivating in me a response I had never been willing to give to Him...until now.  We'll get back to what that is in a minute.  Now for Old Blue.
Oh, Old Blue.  Gosh, darn it, I loved that car.  Yes, car.  She was my first and she was loyal and true to the end.
On October 22, Old Blue was the victim of an untimely demise...she was murdered.  It sounds harsh, but at the time it's how I felt.  My poor car was completely totaled in a car accident on I-35.
My sister was with me and we both are OK.  I have some soft tissue damage in my shoulders and lower back, but physical therapy is working and I'm on the mend.
All in all, it really could have been a horrible accident.  But good Old Blue sacrificed herself for her people and will forever remain a hero in my eyes.  I'm so dramatic.  I know.
But in all seriousness, Blue was a tank and she took the hit like a trouper. Driving that car, that day, literally kept my little sis and I from larger harm.  As the accident happened it was amazing to see God's hand moving in real time all around us.  His timing really is perfect.  It happened so quickly and yet, there were only 3 cars involved in the accident, when it could easily have been a pile up, and there were no major injuries.  Clear cut miracle.  No joke.
As I said, the car was totaled.  So I have had the last few weeks to deal with insurance companies and agents and adjustors, and looking for a new car.  It's been very overwhelming.  So overwhelming that I stopped agonizing over work.
They say the body can only handle one major pain at a time...even if you hurt all over, your brain will pick up on which pain is the most sensitive and channel your attention there.  I think that's how my brain works with stress too.  So I've been totally focused on the car and all that went into that I stopped worrying about what was happening at work.  And every step of the way in all of this God was saying,'Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.'
Again, I heard him say it, yesterday before, during, and after the conversation with my boss.  And again, when I went to my assistant director.  I knew that what I had set out to do here had happened.  When all of this began, my only goal was to attempt to make peace with my coworkers and know that whatever the result...I had tried and God was honored.  I accomplished that.  I have been released from my burden here.  And given orders to start down a new path.  I'm not sure I know what that will look like yet, but I'm excited to see.  God knew that I needed to have this experience so that I could trust His voice again.  He was singing over me all along. He was constantly urging me to trust, sending me messages in His word, speaking to me through Holy Spirit, and sending me wise counsel in the form of Lisa Howell and Nikki Lokey.  He was constant and true, and He never gave up.
Each time I heard the Lord speak, I knew down deep that I was answering Him back with a yes.  I just wasn't sure what I was saying yes to.  But in every situation with work, and the car, and having to buy a New Blue, and the situation that happened yesterday, I had an underlying peace, and last night, I knew that I could let go and follow with a new found determination.  I don't know where we are going, but we are going...somewhere.  It will be incredible.

Battle Ground

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  Mostly because I have been a little overwhelmed and have gotten behind on just about everything.  In fact, it seems like everything around me has entered a state of chaos due to lack of productivity.  From my job to my home(I'm putting off laundry right now), to life in general.  And an overwhelmed me = a STRESSED me.  
Lately my source of stress has been work.  At the beginning of the summer we had some office construction that left me homeless for a bit and without access to my computer.  I literally had no place to go to do my work or a computer with which to do that work...which meant, I didn't do any.  Work that is.  At all.  For several months.  Meanwhile the books just kept coming in.  (I work in a library and catalog the books.)  
Flash forward to August and I finally got to move into my new office and get my computer back.  I unpacked about 100 books that had been sitting in a corner of the library waiting for me to catalog them and that's when it happened.  The server died.  The one I have to use to load my files into our cataloging system.  Dead.  Never coming back, dead.
So, I didn't panic, I just kept processing books, waiting for them to fix the server so that I could actually catalog.  Then I got overwhelmed by the amount of work I had on my hands processing.  I mean usually I never have more than 25 books at a time on my desk to process and catalog.  I'm fairly efficient that way.  Every day I would spend hours flipping through books, checking for missing pages, mistakes in the printing, damage to the coverings.  Then hours, stamping, printing purchasing information in the gutter of each book, securing tattle-tape (a thin piece of magnetic tape that alerts the security system when it hasn't been deactivated at check-out), organizing into groups for covering and labeling.  Then MORE hours, covering books and placing protective laminate on paperbacks.  Are you worn out yet? Because I am.  
Whew! For two months that has been my life.  I take a few breaks to ward against the monotony and inevitable headaches.  I have also had plenty of distractions with the other parts of my job duties as well.  In addition to cataloging, I have the pleasure of helping our library clerk wait on the student population hand and foot.  I am also expected to perform outreach services duties.  This means I have to come up with displays for the library and events or services that will help/draw in our customers.  We do specific outreach activities at least once a month.  And I am expected to participate every time.
I have a big job.  Correction: a big, under appreciated, job.  Add to that the amount of drama my coworkers tend to cook up and the past few months have been hellish.  And I am sick of it!  
You guessed it, this is my venting blog. Because I need to VENT, VENT, VENT, in a major way.  If you follow me on Twitter or we are friends on FaceBook then you have probably already seen that my job is a little high-maintenance and that I both LOVE and am irritated by it.
Back to those mountains of books I was telling you about earlier.  This week I FINALLY saw the light at the end of tunnel when it came to finishing processing those books.  (I counted: there are actually about 125 of them now.)  I am THIS CLOSE to being done and being able to start the actual cataloging process (they finally fixed the server a couple weeks ago, so I'm golden! Yea!).  My plan was to finish processing by yesterday or Monday/Tuesday-ish and then start cataloging.  Once I start that, I should be done with those books within a week and a half-ish, barring no errors.  Yippee!!  Or so I thought.
Thursday, as I finished my lunch break at my desk, my boss entered my office, shutting the door, and informing me that "we need to have a talk".  I politely wiped my mouth and moved my food to the side of my desk out of her line of sight and waited while she took a seat.  It didn't seem to phase her that she had obviously interrupted me, nor did she seem to realize that I was still on my lunch hour.
For the next 30 minutes I was berated and belittled about my work ethic, training, and productivity.  Not only was I told how I was to do my job from now on, I was also told how much of it each day I was to do and report back to her.  She also informed me that I was being relieved of some of my cataloging duties because another coworker had already assured her that she would be able to perform said duties better and quicker than I could.  I was also told that if I could not turn in a certain amount of work by the following morning, then I could expect "another talk".
Not once was I given an opportunity to respond, offer my plan of action, or even speak.  As she stood to leave my office, I attempted to communicate my reaction and was told that she was "tired of hearing excuses".  Seeing as this was the first time I've ever been told I was doing a bad job or asked about the progress of my job, I wasn't actually sure what that meant.  I was flabbergasted.  And devastated.  I've never been told that I was doing a bad job in the 3.5 years I've worked in the library.  In fact, I've been promoted, given raises and commendations, at every single one of my evaluations.  This was a first.

I tried my best to complete that days task (given to me only 3.5 hours before the work day ended), knowing that I would not finish it.  The amount of work I'd just been asked to do would take at least 2 days to complete.  The books I'd been asked to catalog immediately were all books that had not been processed completely yet.  My mind was racing and my heart sank.  
I knew that the past month had been a little more dramatic in the office than usual.  I have one coworker who intentionally harasses the rest of us, a boss who hates her and has sunk to disciplining her things that may not have even been her fault just to spite her, another coworker who responds to everyone with passive aggressiveness and refusal to collaborate when she thinks she isn't getting what she wants, and, and.....  Are you as overstimulated as I am right now? Wow.  No wonder the encounter in my office nearly sent me into a nervous breakdown.
I had just realized that one coworkers drama had spun into an entire interoffice battle ground!  And I had inserted myself right into the middle of it, simply because I had chosen to be uncompromising in my integrity.  Follow me here:  Coworker A has been the aggressor in several incidences. She intentionally does things that will cause more work for or make her coworkers look inept.  Coworker B does not like Coworker A in the least and does not even attempt to be cordial.  Boss-lady agrees with Coworker B.  Boss-lady and Coworker B decide to push coworker A's buttons in an attempt to "corner" her and cause her to do something fire able.   
Here's where I come in.  I happen to like coworker A and have spent 3.5 years trying to develop a friendship, despite being burned many, many, times.  I don't like what she does either and want peace as much as anyone does.  However, I think if she's going to disciplined and fired over something, it needs to be legit.  And that's what got me in "trouble".  I voiced that opinion to both coworker B and Boss-lady.  And they were offended.  
Commence Operation: Finding Fire Able Offenses for Coworker A and Enemy Cataloger.
So that is what prompted the meeting in my office on Thursday.  And the silent treatment on Friday.  (And the second talk which finally came at the end of the day, where I was told that my boss had been informed that I was not a team player and that I could not cooperate with the other outreach person.  She has decided that I am not allowed to do anything outreach related unless the other person approves of it.)  I literally made myself sick Thursday night and Friday morning with anxiety.  After talking things through with trusted friends and my husband, I decided to go see our assistant director.  Initially, I thought I was going to turn in my two-weeks notice.  But after a long discussion, the a.d. talked me out of it, for now.  She was unaware that the situation in the library had reached the level it had.  And she didn't want to lose me as an employee.  She asked me for the opportunity to try and fix the situation.  To find a solution of some sort for me and the other library employees.  ALL of us.  And we figured out that we were both in the same boat, on the same page, and seeing eye to eye.  I discovered I had a source of support and encouragement.
And that's why I haven't quit my job yet.  But my a.d. let me know that she would support my decision to leave if a solution could not be found.  And I'm definitely still looking around for options.  I don't know what will happen.  But I do know that God is so much bigger than the drama, my fear, and any financial needs my family needs met if I choose to leave the library before securing another place of employment.
It only took me this long to figure out I was hanging on to fears and anxieties that God had already stripped away.  It only took me this long to figure out that I never had to be afraid.  It only took me this long to realize that I don't have to fight this battle.  It has already been won by the One who will always be my Knight in Shimmering Armor.   

Day 24

I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.

More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder.  I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school.  I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy.  I have had to be a grown up for most of my life.  I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life.  Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them.  But, I still miss my mom.  I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries.  I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her.  Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms.  I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today.  Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.

BUT:  I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her.  Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with.  She is so strong and good and compassionate.  I know she doesn't always feel that way.  Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie.  But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life.  I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her.  She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me. 

So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two. 
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me.  Karon,  thank you for loving me. 

Day 23

My favorite book is "Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White

This was the first "chapter" book I ever read.  In fact, I think I've probably read this book a hundred times by now, possibly more.  And, yeah, I still cry at the end of it.  EVERY TIME.  I will never forget being introduced to this book by my first-grade teacher, Marilyn Vermillion.  I absolutely loved it.  Marilyn always hated reading the part where Charlotte dies because she would cry, and every year for quite awhile she would ask me to come read that chapter to her classes for her because she knew how much I loved to read, and how much I loved that book.  There are children's books that I remember loving as a little kid, but this is the very first book I remember vividly falling in love with.  I can't wait to read it to my "neices" when they're a little older.  I hope they'll love it as much as I do!

Day 22

I wish I were better at teaching/speaking in public.  But I'm terrified of microphones (they make me nervous!).  I'm also terrified of being the center of attention.  I don't even like having my birthday announced and there dang sure better not be any restaurant singing...I'll happily pay for my birthday dessert as long as no one surrounds me and starts singing.  I have literally walked out on friends and family who did not take this seriously.  I HATE being the person everyone is paying attention too.
Now, over the years I've gotten slightly better.  I can make short announcements or introduce myself at retreats.  I've even taught some short little 15-20 minute lessons when used to do the love letter activity on retreats. 
I have always wanted to be a great speaker/teacher though.  Weird, right?  I'm terrified of doing the thing that I've always thought I'd like to be able to do some day.  It just doesn't seem to be my calling though.  Which I'm definitely ok with, I just also wish I could do it if necessary.  It will definitely have to be a Jesus thing if the occasion should ever arise.

Day 21

A picture of something I wish I could forget....

Hmm...I think I'm gonna have to take a cop out on this one.  There are quite a few things I wish I could forget, but there aren't pictures out there to represent them.  Also, I'm one of those people who would choose not to change things anyway.  I think we learn invaluable lessons through the trials and consequences of life and that there's no sense changing things because ultimately it doesn't matter. 

Day 20

Day 20- A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel:



I would love to travel to Greece someday!!



Runaway

Another poem...They just pop into my head and I'm never convinced that I actually like them, but here you go:

I'm caught in the in-between and I'm never sure anymore.
Should I run or should I hide?
Either way, I might die and I'm so afraid to be unafraid because you might leave me here alone.

Can you hear my heart breaking?
It's so loud, it's all I hear, like an ocean in my ears.
Will you stop to save me now or will you stand and watch me drown?

Do you know how close I am to falling all apart?
Can you hear me screaming out over the fear inside my heart?

You tell me that I'm brave and I know that it's not true...
I'm only brave when I'm with you.


I think sometimes that this is how I treat the Lord.  I'm running scared and I'm afraid to trust Him.  I just keep moving, hoping that if I'm moving, then I won't sink.  It all comes back to Him standing in front of me, holding out His hand, and asking me: "Do you trust Me?  Will you let Me lead?"  I get so busy seeing how I'm leaving Him behind that I forget He's never left my side.  So it's time to be a brave girl and recognize His strength in my weakness (something my sweet friend, Darah, is so good at reminding me of).  I have to stop running because I'm only going to get all out of breath.  It's time to sit awhile and get my bearings and allow Jesus to lead the way.  Yes, even if that means I don't "get my way" or really know the plan (right, Jayci? ;)). 

Uh oh, I think I feel that stretching feeling you get right before some major growing pains...

Day 19

Day 19...now this was fun.  I recently found an old picture of me, my sister, and our cousins when we were all little tiny things.  It's fabulous and I couldn't wait to post it.  So here ya go...oh and I'm the one in the middle with the green shirt.  My daddy informed me that he thought I was some little boy he couldn't remember sitting there next to my cousin.  I prefer to think that is because this is a very old picture and it's a little faded.  (Phoebe: consider yourself avenged, please ;) )



From left to right: Shane, Kimberly, Michael, Me, Robert, and Jeron.  Aren't we cute?? :)

It still amazes me that my Meme and Papa used to keep all six of us at once on occasion.  We were messes! I miss those days when we were all always together and getting into all kinds of trouble..actually the boys were always in trouble...I was just usually tagging along watching the trouble.  Time moves swiftly.  I hope we will have more times when we are all together again.  I miss my cousins and as I get older I realize how important they are.

Day 18

Day 18: A picture of my biggest insecurity....

Will I be a good wife??

There ya go folks...that's my biggest insecurity right now.  I wrestle with whether I will make it as a wife.  Will I be a good one?  Will I be a loving one?  Will I be like the wife in Proverbs?  Or will I grow bitter and condescending and pushy and terrible?  Will I be the helpmate my husband needs? Or will I drive him away and build up a bridge between us so far across that neither of us will be willing to cross it again? 

I don't have the answers to these questions.  But I do know that God is good and faithful.  I know that if I can continue to cling to Him it doesn't matter what the question is...the answer is always Him and Him alone.

Day 17

Whew! When I started this journey I did not anticipate how busy I would get with work, school, ministry...good grief.  I'm slowly but surely catching up though...today will be another whirlwind of blogging for as long as I can get it in.  So hang tight.

Day 17 is about something that has made a huge impact on my life recently.  I don't have a picture...mainly because I'm not creative enough to come up with a way to photograph it.  Maybe I should have asked my friend Lynn (photographer extraordinaire...don't believe me?  You should go see my engagement/wedding pics.  Tell me she isn't a genius. I dare you. ;).  Anyway, the thing of which I speak is this: counseling.  Yep.  It's had a HUGE impact on my life. 

Counseling has given me a sense of self back.  Well, the tools I've gained through counseling have anyway.  I feel like I suddenly have a whole repertoire of resources to draw on to handle any situation.  I've started processing my thoughts in a healthy way and acting on them in a healthy way.  I've learned how to allow myself emotions without allowing my emotions to rule me.  I'm learning so much about communication and boundaries.  It has been such a great process for me.

Most importantly, I'm healthy.  Mentally and spiritually.  (I've gotta start working on that physically part again soon.)  I've regained a sense of connection to my community and my Savior.  My relationship with Jesus is steadily getting back to a great place.  I've never felt more attuned to the Spirit than I do right now either. 
And I'm learning to trust Father on a whole new level.

I am so thankful for counseling and my therapist, Lisa.  I'm thankful to my husband and Nikki for supporting me in the decision to seek counseling.  I'm thankful to my Princess Linda for always being so willing to counsel me "on the side" so to speak and reinforce the things I'm learning from Lisa. 

Counseling has been a very good thing.  I think everyone should do it! ;)

Day 16

Day 16 is supposed to be a picture of someone who inspires me.  I don't know if I am inspired by one person entirely, so I decided to go a different route with this one.  I chose to represent authors who have inspired me either with their lives, their work, or their characters...or all of the above.  From the time I was a little girl until now I have been in love with books.  I love to read and I have always wanted to write wonderful stories that would come alive in the hearts and minds of those who read them. 

E.B. White

"Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White is my all time favorite book.  It's the first book that touched me deeply.  I think I was six years old at the time.  But it changed my life.  Not only did I love books, but I suddenly desired to create stories as vivid and heart-wrenching as Charlotte and Wilbur's story.  Mr. White's story sparked the first glint of creativity in my little soul.

Louisa May Alcott

Next, I ate up the "Little Women" books...I adored the March family and followed them through each of the books.  "Jo's Boys" is my favorite.  I devoured everything written by Ms. Alcott with such hunger, my mother wasn't sure what she'd do when I ran out.  (She introduced me to Lucy Maud Montgomery, who I loved, but always went back to Louisa time after time.)

Madeleine L'Engle

One of the first fantasy books I ever read was "A Wrinkle In Time".  From that moment on I was hooked on fantasy.  I wanted more.  I wanted to write it.  It was the epitome of everything I'd ever tried to imagine and I loved it.

Is it any wonder then that I continue to re-read and draw inspiration from the following authors?

C.S. Lewis

Garth Nix

J.K. Rowling

Stephenie Meyer

Neil Gaiman

I still have stories trapped in my head and my heart.  Maybe one day I'll be brave enough (and less critical of myself) to put pen to paper and dream for a public audience.  Maybe.  But, I will always love books and the people who write them.  Because they inspire me to dream. 

Day 15

Something I want to do before I die is collect the passport stamps from the following countries: France, Italy, and Greece.  I have wanted to travel these places for as long as I can remember:

Day 14

I can never imagine my life without him.

Day 13

My favorite band or artist, huh?  I simply don't have one.  I love music and art and I love it so much and so many different genres that I've never been able to settle on an all-time favorite.  I find the beauty in just about all of it.  Kinda boring, but it's the truth.  So no picture this time, sorry.  (What a waste of a blog post).

Day 12

Something I love.   One word: Ministry.  I love serving Jesus.  I love ministering to teenage girls.  I am incredibly blessed to be a part of Bridge416 Student Ministry and I.D. Ministries. 

Converge 2010

Day 11

There is no picture for the thing I hate.  It is invisible.  It happens every day, everywhere.  It happens in our own community.  Our country, home of the brave/land of the free, has become the number one importer of slaves.
Human trafficking is rampant all over the world, but the United States is contributing to the enslavement of men, women, and children in a huge way.  Oklahoma and Texas rank in the top ten of human trafficking high traffic areas. All the major highways run right through us. 
It breaks my heart and makes me sick.  I truly hate this evil.

Check out these websites:
http://oathcoalition.org/
http://www.mercyministries.org/homepage/
http://www.ijm.org/

I hope you will join me in bringing awareness to this issue and find ways to help stop it.  Each of the websites listed above have valuable resources and information related to the cause of ending modern day slavery.

Day 10

Day 10 features a picture of the person I do the most messed up things with.  I'm gonna have to go with one April Coates.  If I'm doing something goofy, semi-dangerous, or even questionable, you can bet she had something to do with it. 
I've wandered the 'hood of OKC with her.  I've eaten things I don't even want to know actually are because she ordered it for me.  I've seen my life flash before my eyes too many times to count while accompanying her on an "adventure". 
In fact, all of these things are why Andrew and I came up with the "April's fault" logic in high school.  We figured out a way to always logically blame April for anything, anywhere.  It's kind of like the "Kevin Bacon" game only without degrees of separation or positive publicity, really.
She's my BFF and I love her. :)

April thinks she's got street cred.

Day 9

Day 9 of 60 is about the person who has gotten me through the most.  I'm going to cheat.  Because there are people who have gotten me through it all.  And ultimately that's because of Jesus.  Since I can't really post an actual picture of Jesus (who was Jewish btw, which means he was dark skinned, dark haired, dark eyed..and a carpenter, which means he was big and strong..I'm just saying!!), I'm going to post a picture of people Jesus uses to touch my life on a regular basis.

My husband

First, my husband, Andrew, is there in the thick and thin of it with me.  I love this man with all my heart and am incredibly thankful for him.  Even when he's ridiculous. ;)

Oh Phoebe :)

Phoebe Kate Barron has seen my best and worst and loves me anyway.  I love every chance I get to spend time with this girl and I LOVE serving Jesus with her.  We have shared a LOT of crazy moments together at camps and on retreats.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. 

Yes, I did steal this from your facebook.  But, I needed it. :)

The Lokeys.  I am forever grateful for this sweet friendship.  Aaron and Nikki have been there for me in ways no one else could.  They supported me and prayed with me through some super dark times.  They've also been there to celebrate with me (and even brought the cupcakes!) too.  I'm thankful for their love and friendship not only to me, but to my family.  They have become my "Jesus family".

I'm incredibly blessed with wonderful friends and family who are there for me no matter what.  There are so many others I'd like to name, but these 4 represent them the best.  They've known me better than most and been there for my darkest moments.

The past year and a half has been incredibly tough for me.  But each of them in their own way have helped me through it.  My husband and Nikki were there to urge me on and help me get help when depression nearly took my life.  They continued to be there in the healing process, along with Aaron and Phoebe.  Each of them have prayed for me and loved me in an unconditional way.  I don't think any of them fully understand how wonderful they are or how instrumental they have been in God's plan for my life.

Andrew is the only person I have ever let in wholly and completely.  Nikki and Aaron were the first people I'd learned to trust in a very long time when they stepped into my life.  Phoebe taught me to love (and patience ;), but mostly love).  I love and respect these people.  They are my family.

Day 8

Day 8 is a picture that makes me laugh.  And this one does.  In fact, it's the homescreen on my iPhone so that I can get to it in a click when I need a smile.  Who wouldn't smile at the antics of Phoebe Kate and Lelia Kate?

Mean Girls pose

Day 7

Day 7 of my 60 day journey: My most treasured item.  It may not be what you expect.  Then again, it may be exactly what some of you may expect ;).
My most treasure item is my Pink Panther. 

Pink Panther

That's right.  He's a stuffed animal.  He was also my very first friend.  I acquired Pink from my Daddy during a trip to the store (Wal-Mart, I think...).  Apparently I was crying and my Dad did that thing that all new parents do and then immediately learn their lesson about.  He grabbed the first toy off the shelf and handed it to me. 
Now, I was only about as big as Pink Panther at the time, but my Daddy says it was love at first sight, touch, chew, etc.   Of course, I quieted down and when they were checking out, Dad unsuccessfully tried to detach Pink from me.  Needless to say, I wailed and the checker looked at my Dad like he was murdering me, my mom proclaimed she'd told him so, and I got a new best buddy.
Pink Panther and I have been together since I was just a few months old.  That's a long time folks.  He's been to a ton of places with me and only suffered a few minor accidents.  He's going "blind" and no longer has stuffing in his neck (I used carry him in the crook of my arm around the neck), and there's yellow stitching on his hiney from a small operation Dr. Mom performed when I was about 2 or 3.
I've rescued him from the cat, the dog, an apartment fire, and my "niece" (who I now have to hide him from because I'm afraid she'll love him too much and I won't be able to give him to her).   He still goes to Falls Creek with me and just about any other trip that lasts for more than a couple days.  And you better believe the second Andrew's out the door on a trip, Pink, reclaims his spot on and in the bed, right along with Sophie-cat (who is still bitter about being banished to the laundry room at night).
I know what you're thinking.  Yes, I do realize that he's just a stuffed animal and I'm an adult.  That doesn't mean he can't be my very best friend forever or that I'm a grown up.  So there.
Besides, I still haven't quite given up on my "Christopher Robin/ Velveteen Rabbit" theory.  You know, my Pink must have a little garden with a lovely little panther cave somewhere around here where he lives and plays when I'm not available.  Or perhaps when I have loved him as much and long as I can, he'll be granted a real life as a real panther someday.  ;)
To tell you the truth, Pink Panther is my childhood all wrapped up in worn, pink cloth.  In him are all my hopes and dreams, my tears and fears.  He holds my secrets, silly and not so silly.  He heard all my childish prayers and stands witness to my answers.  He's not just a stuffed animal to me.  He's a symbol of who I am and who I am going to be. 

And, I am not afraid to admit that I love him very much, that silly old Pink.

Day 6

Hmmm...who would I trade places with for an entire day?  I don't know!! I am so about being true to myself in every way that this is hard to imagine for me.  I know plenty of people I'd love to meet or hang out with for a day, but trading places?  That's tough.  I guess if I were it would purely to just be one of the funnest and funniest people I know...so...I choose either one of the Lokey girls.  They are pretty much the coolest, so I wouldn't mind harnessing some of that cool factor/energy/comedic timing/creativity for a day.
I mean...they're obsessed with Star Wars...who wouldn't want to be Yoda or Leia, haha!

I'd love to be a Lokey girl for a day...or a Star Wars character...same, same. ;)

Day 5

Day 5 is a picture of my favorite memory.  Honestly, I don't know that I have an all-time favorite memory.  I have a lot of them.  So instead of picking one, I decided to show you who the mostly likely culprits of creating great memories with would be.  Enjoy.



Lots of great memories get made with this guy.



I love every moment I get with these two kiddos.  I hope to get plenty of memories with baby brother too!



Aw, I love this girl and there's always a good time to be had.  Miss Lindsey is repping all my girls from FBC here.  There are just too many of them to put pics up, plus this one was in London.  London is most def one of my favorite memories and the fact that I got to serve there at the same time Linds did was so cool.





Oh, Nikki Lokey and Phoebe Kate.  You ladies make my heart smile.  They are def at the center of some crazy amazing times.  I'm also letting them rep for my I.D. Ministries buddies here too.  I laugh more and smile more with I.D. Ladies than anyone else.





Karon!! This amazing woman continues to light up my life by stepping up and being there for me constantly.  When I need someone, I know she's there.  Thank you, Lord, for my "Jesus Mama".



The BFFs.  April (on right) and Angela (on left).  SO MANY MEMORIES!!! LOL.  I love every one them too! (Execept for maybe that time Angela removed my freckle when we were playing "doctor" in second grade.  That was traumatic.   It was also the only time I ever played "doctor". )

So there you have it.  Some of my favorite people to make memories with.  Not quite what the Day required, but that's what it got. :)



Day 4

I'm a little behind on my postings but I will catch up...you may have several in a row today! Day four's post was about my night.  Day 4 would have been Friday night and I spent it with hundreds of teenagers worshipping God.  It was a pretty sweet night.

Day 4: Unite Now Worship

Day 3

Today's 60 day post is about the cast of my favorite T.V. show.  (See, I told you some would be silly! ;) )


Day 3: The cast from my favorite show.

Ok.  I admit it, I'm a HUGE Syfy nerd! One of my favorite shows of all time is Stargate: SG-1.  I'm huge fan of all of the Stargate shows, but SG-1 holds a special place because it was the first.  I chose to depict the 4 main members of the cast, but all of the supporting cast are equally wonderful in so many ways.  I absolutely love the show, but I love even more what a family this cast became because of the show.  If you look at each of their projects, the other members of the SG cast are supportive in one way or another, from making guest appearance to collaborative efforts, to plugging shamelessly for their friends. 
Amanda Tapping played Dr./Major (Her rank increased the longer the show ran, but she started out as Major, I think.) Samantha Carter.  What an amazingly talented and lovely person!  I've follwed her career over to her new show, Sanctuary, where she plays the main character, Dr. Helen Magnus.  Another great show, but that wasn't my point.  I began to pay attention to her personally and as a result the other cast memebers from SG-1.  Amanda along with her Sanctuary cast is soooo involved with so many charities and very active in bringing awareness to some incredibly worthy causes.  I dare you to check out their charity Sanctuary4Kids.  So cool.
Anyway, the more I learned about who the people were who portrayed some of my favorite fictional people, the more it made me love that show where it all began, Stargate SG-1.  It also made me especially love Amanda Tapping.  She seems to be the glue that holds their little family together.  I can see why.  She is so sweet and approachable in her interviews...but check this out: She actually interacts with her fans!! Who does that anymore? I can count a handful of celebs who actually take the time to do that.
So there you go.  I'm a nerd.  I like it. :)

Day 2

Today is all about the person I've been closest to the longest.

Angela & me

Angela and I have been best friends since first grade.  That's 21 years folks.  21.  Just to give you some perspective on that:  I'll be 27 in March.  We've pretty much been through it all together and then some.  She's my biggest fan and my hero.  There is no one more compassionate or gentle.  She's also funny, genuine, and ornery.  We are so much alike sometimes that it's ridiculous but we are also complete opposites at the same time.  She gives the best hugs and advice.  We never run out of things to say to each other and we can make each other laugh so hard that Angela snorts ;).  I love her like family and can't imagine ever not having her in my life.  Love you, Angela!!

Day 1

For the next 60 days I'm going to let you take a journey with me. Some days will be silly.  Some days will be a little serious.  Every day will be something new.  Today's journey is all about me.

Day 1: 15 facts about me.

1. I love to read. I'm rarely not in the middle of at least 3 books.
2. I love Jesus more than reading...or anything else.
3. I never realized how much I served Jesus and loved it until I counted the number of ministries I have an active part in and the numerous jobs I hold for each of them. It was eye opening. I kinda thought I didn't do that much for Him. Turns out I do and Satan is a big fat liar.
4. Writing is completely therapeutic and mostly spiritual for me.
5. I never smile more than when I'm spending time with I.D. Ministries ladies. (Especially Emily Arnold and Allison Lilly. True story.)
6. I'm stubborn.
7. I'm rarely wrong but always willing to admit when I am (once the stubborn wears off ;) ).
8. I see and speak Truth, but miss it when it comes to myself sometimes.
9. I'm blessed with some of the most amazing friendships a woman could have. (Angela, April, Nikki, Phoebe, Karon, Darah...my life is better because of you.)
10. London changed my life and it will never leave my heart.
11. I love my cat more than I love most people.
12. I want to be a mommy someday, but I really love being an "aunty" so it's a hard sell right now.
13. People would be surprised at my music choices if they looked at some of my playlists.
14. I have a tendency to say things without filtering.
15. I'm married to my best friend.
I'm learning to love and appreciate all 15 of those facts about me and when it comes down to it....there's 15 things to help get me through the day :).