Sometimes Silence Speaks Louder

I have so much to say and no idea what to say at the same time. You know that cusp I was talking about in my first post? Wow, was I onto something. Rather, God was ;).

I've been waiting for Him to do something. It's been so long since I've heard from Him. And honestly I was getting a little angry with Him. I mean, how dare He ignore me, how dare He continue to bring up the same sore spot when He did talk to me, how dare He treat me this way after all I've done for Him?!! Oh boy. I am definitely Eve's daughter...

Last week was my one year wedding anniversary. Andrew and I decided to spend the week in Santa Fe, NM. I went into that week with a lot of expectations, hopes, and of course, fears. I had been looking forward to this trip as a sort of honeymoon, since our original "honeymoon" had only been for the weekend after our wedding.

Because I was in this honeymoon frame of mind, I envisioned this rekindling of emotions and passions that took place during our wedding...I also blocked out any memory of the amount of time we spent discussing and working through how to be married in the first place. Frankly, I was expecting perfection.

I was expecting all of my problems, issues, etc. to go away and never come back. I was expecting that the barrier between us communication-wise would disappear. I was expecting to not have to face any kind of conflict (which in this case would have been positive, but conflict in any form is scary!) or own up to any mistakes on my part, or to have to acknowledge that we have even had any kind of anything to "deal" with this year. I sure was expecting a lot. It's a good thing God often exceeds our expectations.

By Tuesday I had reached my limit for forced positivity and filtering my moods. I was cranky, tired, angry, stressed, unhappy and depressed. I had not set boundaries for my thought life that morning and as a result I had fallen into the Enemy's trap. I let him talk to me. I let him lie to me. I began to feel darker and darker. I began to feel as if I were caught in a giant tug of war...And I was the rope!

By Tuesday evening, Andrew had run out of patience, understanding, and positivity himself. He'd had enough. Who can blame him? I don't. His wife had turned into a black hole of complaint, dissent, and contradiction on this his anniversary vacation. So he did what he has always done best...he called me out on my crap. He had not run out of love, wisdom, faith, or his singular ability to draw me out of myself. Uh oh. I was in trouble. I mean, what do you do when God starts talking to you through your husband?? I decided to start a fight...with God.

Turns out, Andrew and I had both come on this vacation with expectations. He had envisioned a week of rest, relaxation, and quality time with his bride. He had expected to see my weeks of built up stress melt away and his as well. He had expected to see me smile and laugh and enjoy myself with him. And up until Tuesday, his expectations were being met...so you can imagine why he was so confused and upset towards my behavior. There was something I had been keeping locked up in my little head though. Something he had no idea about. (See, I had already been examining my heart and my actions. I already had a small inkling about what was causing my attitude...for the last several months.)

Andrew began to question my behavior and my attitude. Not in an accusatory manner, but genuinely trying to understand why I was so unhappy. Understandably, I had hurt him. He needed to know if there was something he had done to make me upset. Faced with my explanation of not knowing why I was unhappy (tell him the truth and have to face my problem? no thank you!), my sweet husband proceeded to suggest that maybe I needed to talk to God about my unhappiness. I proceeded to inform him that "that [was] just not going to happen". Enter God.

My husband said one thing to me after that: If you aren't willing to talk to God about it, then you are not willing to make it better. And then, he sat in silence next to me. It was a pretty valid point and he knew it. So did I. Crap.

As we sat there saying absolutely nothing, God began to speak to me. And much like my mother, Eve, I threw up some fig leaves and tried to act as if nothing had happened. And, He kept talking. I interrupted. I shouted. I screamed. He kept talking. And then I began to cry. Like, for real cry. Andrew silently put his hand on my shoulder. I cried harder. I didn't want to hear what God was saying...because I thought I knew what He was saying and I didn't want any part of it. I was determined to sit in my disobedience and punish myself for it.

Um, hi, Courtney? You're wrong. What? I am not wrong! I know what you're gonna tell me and I said no! I said no months ago and I meant it! I told you I was sorry, but I am not willing to go there and... You're wrong. Wait...what? That isn't what I was going to say at all. It isn't? No. And now that you're talking to me and listening for that matter, I'd like to say something very important. Excuse me? I was talking to you! You weren't listening to me! Child, you are trying my patience. I've got something to say. Now be still and know!! Oh...um...ok...that was kind of childish. I'll just be quiet now and hear you out. If you weren't going to say that other thing...then what were you going to say? Sweetheart, I just wanted to say I love you and ask you to be a little easier on yourself. You are so bent on accepting punishment for your disobedience that you are overlooking that you were already forgiven. Why are you still disobeying something that isn't even a possibility any more? There is no reason for you to be separate from me and yet you are forcing just that! You admitted your sin and you asked me to forgive you...yet, you overlooked that forgiveness and continued to disobey based on the "punishment" you felt you deserved for that sin. Honey, that's my job not yours. I choose your consequences, not you. I chose to forgive and use the experience to teach you something valuable. You chose to ignore the lesson and continue to live as if you were being cast out from me...by me! And that is NOT TRUE. I never cast you out...you walked away and asked me not to follow. WHY? Oh. Um. Uh...OH. Oh, wow. I... Yes? I...um..I... I'm listening. Can we start over? I'd like to just start over now, please. Ah, now you're listening. So that's a yes? Yes. And? And? Um. What now? That's the beauty of my plan... OH. Oh, I see. Do you? Yes! Oh, Lord! I do! I don't have to see it at all! I just have to follow!! I get it! Good. Please remember dear, sweet, Princess: I have walked this path ahead of you and I will walk this path with you...good or bad. I am with you. This is the TRUTH. I think Lisa tried to tell me that already... Yes. I asked her to. You weren't speaking with me at the time. Oh. Yeah. Um...sorry. Forgiven. Thanks. You're welcome. Dad, I love you. I won't do that again. And...whatever you're gonna do? I wanna do that. Whatever it is. I mean...even if it's that other thing...You know. I know. So...is that a possibility? All things are possible for me. Uh..so...um...You know what? I don't need to know. That is what I call progress. I'm OK with that. I love you, child, now go be with your husband. He loves you too.

Boy, does he love me, that husband of mine. And I love him too. Santa Fe may not have been the best vacation Andrew and I have ever taken together...but it was probably the best one I've had with God. I intend to have many more fabulous get aways with both of my loves.