The Parent Trap (and not the Disney kind)

This blog post is hard for me.  Because this topic is a hot stinky pile of poo.  But I can't keep dodging the poo-slinging.  People I love and care about on both sides have been burned.  Badly.

There is a war going on.

I'm talking about a war staged on social media and mainstream media.  I'm talking about a battle of words and wit waged by moms, dads, and "trolls" alike.  It covers topics ranging from how we put our kids to sleep to how we discipline, from how we feed our children to what we feed them, from "crunchy" lifestyle choices to "mainstream" choices, from "gentle"/"attachment" parenting to "unattached" parenting (or whatever you call the opposite of AP).  I am talking about the "Mommy Wars" or let's just call it what it is: The "I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better Than You Can, I Can Do Anything Better Than YOU! Wars"  .  Yeah, I went there. 

Now before you completely tune me out, let me fully admit right here and right now that I HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THESE WARS.  I have slung sarcasm and rudeness with the best of them.  I have taken offense and given it.  I too fell for the trap.

What trap? 

I'm so glad you asked.  The trap of judging my fellow parents.  The trap of tearing them down just because they do something I don't do.  The trap of thinking that anyone who does or says differently than I do must be wrong and therefore evil and in turn judging me back!

And you know what?  I am absolutely 100% hurting God's heart.  Ouch.

Ephesians 4:25-32 "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."


Oh man,  do you hear what the Word says here?  The words that I speak/type have power.  They can make or break.  I feel like they've done a lot of breaking lately.  Breaking spirits, breaking bonds, breaking future ministry opportunities, breaking my own heart.   

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this topic.  Like I said, I found myself caught up in the word war with other parents.  So I decided to take a step back.  

I asked myself," What is my true view point on parenting? "

Well, I think we all do the best we can.  I think when we learn better, we do better.  Sometimes that means admitting we are wrong by changing what we do and moving on.  Sometimes that means we see someone else making similar choices.  What do we do then?
  
By the parenting war standards that means we have two options: 1. Inform them that they are wrong.  2.  Justify being angry and rude by pulling the "judgement" card when we are told we are wrong.  But Holy Spirit says we have one option: Give grace to those who hear us.

As a believer, I can not participate in these battles any longer.  I just can't.  I can still post things that I think are relevant.  I can engage in civil and edifying conversation with those who are willing to do the same.  But I can not and will not "go there" when it comes to "proving" myself and my choices.  I will no longer cater to the argumentative and close-minded.  I will not sell out to the "only one can stand" point of view.  I will do what I think is best.  I will advocate for education and choices.

Because when it comes down to it I've realized that Christ is more important than being right.  Christ is more important than anything.  So I don't care if you vaccinate, don't vaccinate, yell at your kids, negotiate with your kids, spank your kids, reason with your kids, feed your kids McDonald's, feed your kids organic unprocessed food, or for heaven's sake breast feed or formula feed.  I care about whether I am loving you like Christ.  I care about whether the words that I speak (whether you agree with them or not) are loving and point to Christ.  I care about my relationship with you more than I care about whether we both get gold stars on the parenting chart. 

Ask yourself: Is my child happy and healthy?  Am I happy and healthy?  Is Christ honored when I  speak? 

Parents, friends, what is your motive when you post something or comment on someone else's post? Is it to contradict? Is it to offer your thoughts on your own research? There's a big difference. And it comes down to knowing why you feel the need to engage in the first place. If your motive is driven by an emotion, stop. If it is driven by a need to "one up" another parent, stop. If it is driven by a desire to cause dissension or offense, stop. 

Just stop. 

Stop perpetuating this silly little social media spat.  Stop contributing to the alienation of parents.  Support the parents in your path.  Love them.  Extend grace.  Stop and think before speaking.  You may not always agree with a parenting choice.  And you may indeed have a better way.  But no one is going to want to take a look at it if your ramming it down their throats.   

Examine your motives. Examine your heart. 

I'm not saying to stop posting or commenting. I'm just saying that there's a better way to educate, inform, and support other parents. And you know what, believers? It starts with us. We are the example. We are the light in the dark. Our words carry weight. They carry power. And they should carry grace. 

Bottom line: It's not about being the better parent.  It's about being a better sharer of the Gospel.

6 months and counting...

Where has the time gone?!  Silas is already 6 months old!  I can't believe it has been that long since my last post!  Let's just say...we've been a little preoccupied ;).

So much has happened in the last few months.  When I posted last Si had FINALLY began to nurse well and was beginning to gain weight the way he was supposed to.  I'm happy to report that this is still the case!

We have since switched pediatricians.  We still really liked Dr. Ellis and we are so appreciative of him.  But we had to move on because we just weren't confident in the staff at his office.  We have started seeing Dr. Milligan and so far LOVE everything about his office and staff.  Which is great because leaving a doctor appointment stressed out and confused was getting old.

These days Silas is a teething mess.  Those darn teeth started trying to pop through a month ago and dang it, they haven't appeared yet.  Poor boy. 

We also started introducing some solids.  We started with avocado.  Yum!  Si wasn't super impressed with his first taste, but by the third time we had tried them he loved them!  That kid can't shovel guacamole in fast enough either. 

He also got to try peaches.  Let's just say these are probably his favorite right now.  The kid spots a peach and starts grunting and grabbing and "mmm'ing" like no body's business. 

Oh, and swim lessons! We got to go to swim lessons this week.  He has been loving them too.  I was so glad, because he hates his bath and I was afraid that he would cry the whole time at swim lessons.  He does not like to go under the water though.  We stuck his face in the water last night and that was pretty much the end of it.

He gets kinda sleepy in the warm water too, so we have fun for about 15-20 minutes and then spend the next 15 minutes trying to keep awake/and or happy.  I was afraid that the swim instructor would hate this but she just loves having Si in the class even when he's fussing.  She always comes over and tells me it's OK, this is such a good foundation of learning for him. 

That's kind of a surfac-y update in a nutshell.  I'll blog again soon about some cool things I'm learning about breastfeeding and how I feel about it,  loving others through Silas, and an update on my depression and how I'm handling it.  I'll also try to share some of the things I am doing to help our  family be healthier too.

Right now, there's a little boy who is starting to wake up from his nap.  So stay tuned, I'll be right back after these messages!!

The Buzz on Bumblebee, Pt. 3

The next few hours were a blur.  I remember chatting with the nurses and the doctor as they cleaned Silas up and the doctor stitched me up ( I had a 4th degree tear).  I remember them giving Silas to me to nurse for the first time.  I remember being taken to our room and eating while Andrew went with Silas and the nurse to go to the nursery and finish getting Silas cleaned up and ready for the night.  But by the time they returned, my pain meds and the antibiotic they'd put me on had kicked in.  I don't remember much of that first night at all.  Andrew was a trooper, stepping in and making sure Silas was taken care of while I recovered.

The next couple days in the hospital were interesting.  I felt pretty useless.  I was on pain medication for the tear I got during labor and because the pain meds made me super nauseous, I was also on nausea meds.  The nausea medicine made me incredibly drowsy.  I was also still very dehydrated.  I felt like I was barely functioning most of the time. 

When I was awake I would hold my baby while he slept.  When he was hungry I tried to nurse.  Oh how we tried. 

My son definitely got a good dose of stubbornness in the genetic mix.  I wish I could say it was all Bancroft...but there's definitely some Layton/Pruitt in there too.  Every time we nursed he would just give up and get MAD.  I mean, Hulk mad.  He'd latch on just fine and start to nurse but before any progress could happen he would let go and begin to cry.  He was inconsolable. 

Each attempt at nursing ended the same.  We'd spend an hour trying to latch on, trying to get some colostrum in his little mouth, Silas wailing.  And Mommy giving up and crying herself or becoming so exhausted that she just couldn't do it any more.  Then Andrew would take him and walk him or rock him until he cried himself out and went to sleep.  I don't know how I would ever have managed without Andrew.

Andrew became the primary care giver while we were there.  I spent most of the time sleeping or in pain.  There were a few moments of alertness.  Usually when we had visitors I was able to perk up a bit and at least say hi and chat for a few minutes.  But most of the time I slept.

I was concerned about my lack of success at nursing but the nurses all encouraged me.  They gave me tips.  They told me it was normal.  No one made me feel like I was doing a bad job. 

Eventually the lactation consultant came by to see me.  We got off on the wrong foot and I chose to ignore any advice she gave me.  In hindsight, I wish I'd gotten over myself and just listened and tried the things she was suggesting.  We might have avoided some of what was to come.

Finally, the day to bring our Bumblebee home had arrived.  It was New Year's Day.  As I waited for Andrew to bring the car around it struck me that we had come full circle. 

On New Year's Day eight years ago Andrew and I began dating.   This day we were bringing home our son.  Eight years ago we hadn't even begun to dream about him.  But God had.  His story began that day as much as it had nine months ago.  It was a cool moment to reflect on.

The next week would be one of the toughest weeks of my life.  I need to pause here and just say again:  I married an AMAZING man.  I am so thankful to be his wife and I am so very blessed by his love, friendship, and support. 

When we were discharged at the hospital, we were told to call the pediatrician and set up an appointment for Silas in two days.  I thought this was odd because I knew his first well baby check up should be at two weeks.  But I chalked it up to the pediatrician just wanting to be thorough and since we hadn't seen him before Silas was born, maybe he wanted to have the "getting to know you" appointment as soon as possible before doing the first well baby appointment.

Oh how I wish I'd paid more attention to the what was going on when the nurses would take Silas to the nursery for weigh ins and such.  I would have been more prepared for why Dr. Ellis wanted to see us so soon.  I would have been more prepared for the battle I was about to fight.

Tuesday night through Friday morning of week 1 were tough.  Silas and I were still having trouble getting into the nursing groove.  This was made doubly hard by the fact that my milk didn't come in until early Friday morning.  Everyone kept telling me this was normal though so I tried not to worry over it too much.

Friday we loaded up and drove up to see Dr. Ellis.  Once we got checked in for our appointment the nurse took Silas' measurements and weighed him. Then Dr. Ellis came in.

I knew something was up from the moment he sat down with us.  His first question was: Are you still having trouble nursing?  I told him yes.  He nodded and took a deep breath. 

Dr. Ellis then explained that the reason he'd had us come in was because Silas' last weigh in before discharge had concerned him.   He thought Silas was losing too much weight and wanted to see him after a couple days at home to see if nursing would go any better. 

I told him that my milk hadn't come in until very early that morning and that I had hoped nursing would start going better now that it had.  I remember feeling apprehensive and anxious as I explained this.  The look on the doctor's face told me there was something else happening that I had missed.

Dr. Ellis told us that it's totally normal for newborns to lose a little weight in their first few days.  This usually amounts to a few ounces or so.  Silas had lost two pounds.  To be exact, he had lost 25% of his body weight.  This was not OK.

My heart sank.  I began to get emotional.  Dr. Ellis tried to comfort me, but what he said next only sent me further into the emotional abyss.  We had to supplement.  We had to get some high calorie formula into Silas over the weekend.  My mind raced ahead...I didn't want to do formula.  I hated that we would have to.  But I knew that supplementing wasn't the end of the world if I could still nurse him.

Then Dr. Ellis said he wanted us to try the bottle.  My first response was, "Absolutely not.  Do I have any other options?  I don't want to use a bottle.  We are breastfeeding."

To his credit, Dr. Ellis did try to work with me on this.  He asked me if I had any ideas and I asked about the tube feeding system.  You put breast milk or formula supplement in a syringe or bag that is attached to a tube which you then tape to your nipple and as baby nurses, you slowly release the supplement.  Dr. Ellis said that he had heard of this but that he didn't have access to this.  He agreed to have his lactation nurse call the lactation consultant at the hospital and ask if they had one and also to consult with them about what they felt would be best for Silas at this point.

Unfortunately the hospital didn't have a tube system either.  The lactation consultant was also concerned with the amount of energy it was taking Silas to nurse.  She suggested that we do whatever was necessary to get some food in him over the weekend and worry about nursing after that.

This would mean a bottle.  I was devastated.  I knew how hard nursing was going to be to get started.  I also knew how much harder it would be once a bottle was prematurely introduced.  I had a big ugly cry right there.

Andrew immediately began to console me.  Dr. Ellis reached out and rubbed my shoulder, apologizing.  He told us he wouldn't force the bottle on us.  It would be my decision.  He understood how hard this was.  His wife had gone through the same thing.  Only her pediatrician didn't give her a choice.  She had come in with a bottle and given it to their son without even so much as warning them.  He would never, ever, do that to a breastfeeding mom.

I was a mess.  I hated that we would have to do a bottle.  Hated it!  Dr. Ellis then asked me if I would feel better talking to the lactation nurse for a little bit.  He wanted me to hear from her why they thought the bottle would be best for now and have her give me some pointers on getting started nursing.  He assured me, we weren't giving up on that.  We just needed to do something else in addition for a little bit.

The lactation nurse was really nice.  She explained to us about Silas using so much energy to nurse that he was burning more calories than he was getting.  We needed to get the weight loss stopped as soon as possible.  She spent time helping try to get him latched on and watched me try to nurse.  She gave me advice on positioning, and encouragement.  Then she asked me what I wanted to do.  She asked me if I wanted her to get a bottle.

The tears started all over again.  I looked at Andrew.  He hugged me.  He told me he wouldn't let me give up on nursing, but maybe we needed to trust that this was what was best for now.  I cried harder.  The lactation nurse patted me on the back and squeezed my hand.  I slowly nodded.  We would do the bottle.

She left and came back with a formula bottle ready to go.  She asked me if I wanted her to get him started.  She knew that it would be hard for me.  She wanted to make it easier.  I told her no, I could do it.  So I did.  For about a minute.  Then the tears came again.

She took Silas and held him.  Then she began to feed him the bottle.  She looked me straight in the eyes the whole time and said, "You are a good mom.  This will all be over soon enough.  You're doing the right thing, here, OK?"  I wish I believed her.  In that moment no one could convince me that this was best.

Eventually Dr. Ellis came back and gave us instructions for supplementing.  He also ordered a jaundice test. He tried one more time to comfort me.  He encouraged Andrew and told him he knew how he as the husband/dad felt.  He'd been there.  He told us to hang in there.  He gave me a half hug on the way out. 

On the way out of the doctor's office every lie the enemy had been whispering all week washed over me.  I wallowed in them.  I let them take root.

You see, I had been feeling inadequate and useless from day one.  I didn't feel like I had gotten much bonding time with Silas and what time I did get was full of sobbing, frustration, and feelings of failure.  I felt like all of those insecurities had just been confirmed.  I wasn't enough.  I couldn't take care of him.  I couldn't even provide for him.  He was only four days old and I'd already failed him completely.  Like I said, I'd been listening to lies.

That first weekend with Silas was probably the toughest weekend I have ever had.  That whole first week was a battle.  Mama and baby continued to end nursing sessions completely distraught.  There were many times when I let negative self talk get in my way. 

I was angry with God.  I cried out to him,"WHY?"  I didn't understand how a God who designed my body to feed my child could let this happen.  Why would he take this away?

There were just as many times when my wonderful husband stepped in and did what he could to comfort me and our son.  There were even a few times when he did what had to be done for both of us and ordered me to bed while he took care of Silas.

At first I resented these efforts on Andrew's part.  Soon enough though I regained perspective and was so grateful to him.  Eventually I realized that my sinking into an emotional black hole wasn't helping anyone...especially not Silas.  I took action.  I reached out to several friends who I knew would provide a backbone of support and prayer.  I also called my counselor and asked for an appointment ASAP.

On Monday Silas had another doctor appointment to do a weight check.  We had heard back from the lab over the weekend that his jaundice levels were normal, so his weight was now our only concern.

Doctor Ellis had the nurse do Silas' measurements and weigh him.  When he came in to the room to talk to us I was praying it was better.  Doctor Ellis started off by asking me how I was.  I told him fine.  He asked me pointedly about my depression.  I assured him it was under control.  He apologized again for the pain this was obviously bringing me and then told us that he had some good news.

Silas had gained weight.  He was now only 17% down from his birth weight.  This was good news!  Dr. Ellis wanted us to continue to supplement but gave me the go ahead to start trying to get Silas back to breastfeeding.  Answered prayer.

That night and the next were still very hard.  When I sat down to nurse Silas refused.  More tears.  More frustration.  More lies.

When I saw Silas take the bottle eagerly, my heart broke all over again.  I was angry.  I was devastated.  I knew nursing would be hard.  His eagerness for the bottle over the breast would make it even harder.  I wasn't sure how to get started again.  I needed help.

So once again I reached out to the circle of women I had surrounded myself with.  They prayed.  They encouraged.  They offered help.  One of them was April Clay. 

Tuesday, January 8th, I got up with a goal: nursing.  I realized that the doctor had just told us the day before that we could start transitioning off of the formula, but I was determined.   The sooner we could get off the formula and stop depending on the bottle so much, the better off both Silas and I would be.  By that afternoon though I was exhausted and no closer to figuring out how to get Silas to latch on, stay latched on, and eat.  I needed help.  I texted April.

That evening April  made arrangements with the Lokey's to watch her kiddos while she came to my rescue.  Once she arrived we headed to the nursery to get down to business.  Andrew joined us.  Something I was so glad for.  He wanted to support me.  He wanted to know how this was supposed to work so that he could understand how to help me. 

Let me just say this:  If you ever need a coach in your corner, April Freakin' Clay is your gal.  We've taken to calling her the lactation guru/coach/genius at our house.  And Mister Silas owes a lot to his sweet Aunt April.  She spent about an hour helping me figure out what positions worked best for us, how to get Silas to latch on and stay on, giving me advice and encouragement for how to make this whole nursing thing work. 

When April left, Andrew just looked at me and said,"We should have called her last week.  It took her an hour to give you back your confidence.  You can totally do this now!"  Folks, that just about says it all.  He was right.  I felt confident.  I felt supported.  I COULD do this.

Within a couple of days we stopped giving Silas the formula.  I was still pumping and letting Andrew give him a bottle when a nursing session wasn't going well, but no more formula.  By the end of that week, we were nursing like pros.  It was amazing the transformation that happened in our boy.  He was content.  He was relaxed.  And mama was pretty changed too.  Those lies that had been gripping me were exposed.  I let them go.  I stepped into the light of Truth.  And Father lovingly reminded me that He'd been there all along.  He just needed me to see that I needed Him.  

We had another weight check that next week.  Silas still wasn't gaining the way that he should, but Dr. Ellis was willing to let me keep breastfeeding exclusively for a week and see what happened.  Silas took the opportunity to have a growth spurt and now that Auntie April had taught him to eat,  he did.  Oh how he ate.  And ate.  And ate.  To the point that mama was having to remind herself that this was good and that we fought so hard for it and it was worth it.  I was exhausted but also thankful.  Being kept up all night by a ravenous newborn was a good thing at this point.  It beat being kept up all night by a frustrated and upset newborn.

We went back for another weight check yesterday.  Dr.  Ellis was so pleased and excited to tell me the results that he could barely contain himself.  Six pounds, nine ounces! He was officially gaining at a 30grams a day rate, which was our original goal.  We had done it!

The last 3 weeks with my son has been one of the hardest experiences of my life.  I have never been more worn emotionally, spiritually, and physically all at once.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I have learned so much about myself and the Lord the last couple of weeks.  I have finally recognized the lengths a parent will go to for their child...it makes the fact that God calls himself our Father so much sweeter...deeper...meaningful.  When I look at the last three weeks in comparison to what our Father in heaven has done for us: forget about it.  I can never again doubt these things about my God and King:  He loves me.  He will fight for me.  He will not give up on me.  He is on my side.

Raising A Child in a Facebook Obsessed Society

If you're my age or older, then you probably grew up in a time when the extent of making sure kids were protected from being exploited, stolen, or molested was making sure they knew the "stranger/danger" rules.  You know: Don't Talk To Strangers, Don't Go Anywhere By Yourself,  Always Tell An Adult If You've Been Approached By A Stranger, Don't Take Anything (whether it be candy or a cute little puppy) From Strangers, Etc.  These rules kept us safe.  These rules made our parents feel safer.  They worked...for the most part.  But the rules have changed.  They've had to in today's technology driven society.

Most of you know that I work with teenagers on a weekly basis.  I am a youth worker at our church and I work closely with a teenage girls ministry.  Because of this I've had to educate myself over the years about the dangers and risks our kids are exposed to.  One of the biggest concerns parents, educators, mentors, etc. have to deal with today is TECHNOLOGY.  It's everywhere.  It's accessible.  And our kids know how to find, use it, and move on to the next new thing before we've even got a grasp on the last tech fad.  And here's the disturbing part: people who target our kids for exploitation of any kind, know this, and are keeping up with them. 

In the last decade alone we've seen the popularity explosion of social media sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Xanga, Tumblr, Instagram, etc.  And for the most part we probably view them as harmless fun.  But if you look at the news, with the growth of these sites we've also seen an increase in issues like cyber-bullying (and bullying in general), sexting, kids posting pics of themselves in provocative dress/pose or even nude, chat rooms dedicated to flirting and hooking up, etc.  And if you're teen is involved in any of these risky behaviors (with or without your knowledge, let's face it, they know how to keep things hidden just like we did growing up), then you can bet there's a chance they've come into contact with a "creeper" (someone who definitely is looking to take advantage). 

We live in a time where online safety is a huge issue.  And while there have been huge successes in legislating Internet and technology safety laws and statutes, and many big names have championed the platform and brought awareness and education to the public, many kids are still at risk.  They're at risk because we as parents, role models, etc., have to be more active in protecting them.  

We have to teach them why privacy settings are important and how to use them.  We have teach them why accepting friend requests from strangers or even people they barely know is risky and how to respond.  We have to teach them why it's never a good idea to post when we are out of town, when we are home alone, where we are going without our parents, etc.  We have to physically sit down with them and talk about relationships, flirting, modesty, dating, gossip, etc.  Otherwise, what they know is what they experience...online.  Oh, and we have to model this for them ourselves.  Because if we aren't doing it, you can bet they'll ignore everything we say and who can blame them?

As a new parent myself (baby boy will arrive in just a couple of months!), I was suddenly faced with the realization that I needed to figure out how I was going to protect my own child online.  I believe it has to start now with how I choose to use the Internet.  I use all the privacy settings, I make sure that I actually know the people on my friends list or have a connection with them through ministry, etc.  I even clean out my friends lists periodically to make sure I haven't gained a few "spam accounts" as friends or delete people that I never talk to or see in person, etc.  I post pictures and photo albums all the time.  And until recently, I didn't really pay attention or care about what happened to those pictures once friends and family had access to them.

It hit me all of a sudden when I saw that my mom had shared an album of mine to her own Facebook wall.  Then she shared it to my dad's Facebook wall.  Now I had no problem with that whatsoever.  It was just some maternity pictures my sister and I had taken together and she was understandably excited to share them with all of her friends.  In fact, I had already planned on sharing the album to her but she saw them come up in her newsfeed before I was finished arranging my album.

I'm not sure I would have thought any more about it except that in that moment I realized...I thought I had set the privacy setting on that to the one where only my friends could see these pictures. I very specifically used the custom privacy setting for friends only and turned off the option that friends of friends could view the album.  But obviously mom had shared the album and now her friends were liking and commenting on them on her page.  People I didn't personally know now had access to pictures of me.  

What the heck, Facebook?  I can set my privacy settings all I want but ultimately, anyone who can see my pictures can do whatever they want with them.  My immediate thought was for the outrageous number of pictures I had just posted of my nephew (my newest obsession).  My next thought was for my own son and any pictures I might post of him later on.

Now, don't get me wrong,  I love that my mom was proud of her girls and excited enough that she wanted to share the pictures of us.  And I love that she's excited about being grams and wants to show everyone how adorable her grand kids are (Wyatt is undeniably the cutest thing I've ever seen, and I have no doubts that my son will be just as deliciously precious).  BUT, there was this little inkling of doubt in my mind about the safety of her friends list.  

My mom is a "friend maker".  She has a huge heart and loves to take people under her wing and be their friend.  She is a member of every group ever invented on Facebook I think.  Because she loves to meet people and learn new things.  This has and always will be an admirable quality of hers.  I don't make friends easily and I hope that her openness and friendliness will be something my child inherits from her.

My concern lies in that many of the people she's "met" in these groups have graduated up to her friends list.  She's never actually met these people in person (many are even international) and she only knows them online.  In her mind, they are her friends.  They would never be bad people or people that would take advantage of her kids/grand kids.  She would never put us or our kiddos in danger.  

And I know that this is true about her...but what she doesn't really understand is that it's not about my not trusting her judgement.  It's about me knowing that who a person says they are online can be anything they want and doesn't necessarily mean that they are who they say they are in reality.

Mom grew up in the "stranger/danger" era.  She raised kids in the "stranger/danger" era.  But the "stranger/danger" era didn't account for the Internet or online friends or Facebook.  So understandably, she never thought about the implications of allowing people that don't personally know her in the real world access to pictures of her kids/grand kids.  And obviously, I didn't think about it either until just that minute.

Now, I know that I can never 100% protect my kid from the dangers this twisted and wicked world holds for him.  I know that someday, somehow, he will be exposed to something terrible and heartbreaking for this mama.  I know that eventually I have to let go of him and trust the Lord to guide his steps.  But I also know that just because I trust the Lord, it doesn't mean that I should sit back and do nothing.  That would be stupid. And anyone who says differently is an idiot.  The Lord can protect us by instilling cautious instincts and providing appropriate boundaries too.

So as I pondered just how I was going to raise this child in a Facebook drenched world, and how on earth I was going to do the best I could to protect him from harm as far and as long as it was possible for me to do so, I had to think about boundaries I wanted to put in place for him and my family.  I know that I can use my privacy settings to allow only certain people to see my pics (instead of all of my friends).  I know that my husband can do the same. 

But did I have any right to ask others to execute certain precautions, i.e. our immediate families?  Well, boundaries are about loving people the best that we can.  So, knowing that I love our family and they love us, I decided that at least opening a dialogue with them about this would be an OK option.

I came up with a few things that I thought might help my Facebook conundrum:  
1. If you take the picture, I can't tell you what to do with it.  That's up to you.  It's yours.  (This is me trusting the Lord.)
2.  If I take the picture and share it to you, then I by default have given you leave to do what you want with it.  (Again, me trusting...) 
3.  If you are looking at pictures that I have posted but not shared directly to you, then I only ask that you check with me before sharing it yourself.  Or if you see a pic that you love and think your friends would love, by all means, ask me to share it to you and if I feel it's appropriate I will do so.  (Hey, look at all this trust going on...)

I sent these possibilities on to our family with an explanation of why and how, etc., and asked them what they thought. 

Some were upset and offended that I would try to restrict them or question their trustworthiness or the trustworthiness of their friends.  These even went so far as to say they would never even look at my pictures again, that if I wanted them to see them, then I could just share them to them myself, etc.  (Obviously a bad start to my first efforts.)

Others fully supported my attempt to come up with a solution but cautioned me not to let "new mother fear" rule my decisions. (OK, a little better response, but seemingly, my intent was still lost.)
 
Some saw the logic in it but didn't want to actually have to go to the "trouble" of all of that. (Really? it makes sense, but you don't want to have to actually do it? That was a sad little thought.)

Others thought I was loony toons and should work out some of my trust issues. (They've apparently failed to notice how much I have worked on these things in counseling the last couple of years.)

So basically, I had just either severely upset members of my family unintentionally, or caused others to question my ability to think rationally just because I'm preggers and this is my first biological kid.  (Never mind my decade of experience working with kids and in several instances being the only "parent" they had.)   Great.

As I was pondering through these responses/reactions I did eventually think,'I could just never post pictures on Facebook.'  But honestly, I've fallen into that trap of Facebook being the only way to communicate with certain members of my family.  They either live too far away and/or we don't see each other often, or I don't even have a clue what their email address is (and neither do some of them! They only got an email account so they could get on Facebook and don't remember how to access it!).  So yeah...Facebook really is just the easiest way to do it.  And my first attempt at Facebook boundaries was shaping up to be a disaster.  Now what?

I'm honestly not sure.  I could possibly create a private group and only allow family and close friends to access it.  But that doesn't solve my problem of grandparents wanting to share pictures.  I wish it were as easy as saying,' if you took it, you post it'.  But Andrew's parents live in Florida.  Most of the pictures they get will be ones we take and share with them.  My parents don't have a camera.  So again, unless we share it with them, they won't have pics of their own.  And naturally, they all have family and friends they want to share with too.  I don't want to keep them from that.

Perhaps I am overreacting as some family members implied.  Maybe I should just get over it and post pictures and not worry about where those pictures go and who accesses them.  And maybe I should never have tried to set the boundary with anyone other than myself and my husband.  I don't know.  Now I'm in a quandary.  I don't know what the best solution is or if there even is one. 

What do I know?  That my parents never had to even think about this and I am incredibly jealous.  And someday, my kid may have to think through situations that I never had to either.  For that I apologize now, kiddo.  And if I don't understand at first, please remind me of the great Facebook Fiasco of 2012.

So, I'm back where I started.  How do I teach and model online safety and protection of privacy for my kid starting now?  What does it look like?  How do I pour the foundation for his future safety? 

I hate when a question only leads to more questions...

Day 24

I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.

More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder.  I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school.  I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy.  I have had to be a grown up for most of my life.  I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life.  Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them.  But, I still miss my mom.  I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries.  I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her.  Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms.  I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today.  Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.

BUT:  I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her.  Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with.  She is so strong and good and compassionate.  I know she doesn't always feel that way.  Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie.  But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life.  I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her.  She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me. 

So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two. 
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me.  Karon,  thank you for loving me. 

Day 19

Day 19...now this was fun.  I recently found an old picture of me, my sister, and our cousins when we were all little tiny things.  It's fabulous and I couldn't wait to post it.  So here ya go...oh and I'm the one in the middle with the green shirt.  My daddy informed me that he thought I was some little boy he couldn't remember sitting there next to my cousin.  I prefer to think that is because this is a very old picture and it's a little faded.  (Phoebe: consider yourself avenged, please ;) )



From left to right: Shane, Kimberly, Michael, Me, Robert, and Jeron.  Aren't we cute?? :)

It still amazes me that my Meme and Papa used to keep all six of us at once on occasion.  We were messes! I miss those days when we were all always together and getting into all kinds of trouble..actually the boys were always in trouble...I was just usually tagging along watching the trouble.  Time moves swiftly.  I hope we will have more times when we are all together again.  I miss my cousins and as I get older I realize how important they are.

Fooshee Family Gathering 2010: AKA the Kayaking Debacle

This past weekend Andrew and I headed to Broken Bow, OK to spend time with some of Andrew's family...the Fooshee side to be exact. Tammy and Matt flew down as well and the group consisted of the 4 of us Bancrofts who were able to make it (Charlie was finishing up camp), Grandpa and Grandma Fooshee (Tammy's parents), Aunt Kathy (Tammy's sis) and Uncle Bob, Cousin Gina, Cousin David and his adorable wife Genevieve, Uncle Mike (Tammy's bro) and Aunt Misti and their children (+one friend), 16 people all together.

Aunt Kathy and Uncle Bob rented a cabin and we all hung out (the Bancrofts for the weekend, the others for a little longer). Sunday morning was planned for the big river excursion. Aunt Kathy announced that she'd booked us Kayaks and we'd be floating down the river that day. That should have been my first warning, the second one should have been when the Bancroft side of the family all joked about Courtney having an "accident".

The float trip started out pretty successfully and before long we were all pretty capable of guiding the kayaks down the river. Mountain Fork River mind you is a pretty calm river and pretty perfect for float trips, especially for those of us not quite up to more exciting trips that involve navigating extreme rapids.

Many of us spent more time in the water than in the boats, but we were having fun. I only got stuck a couple of times and made it down the water fall (very small) without too much difficulty. In fact, towards the end of the trip, I was pretty proud that I had yet to fall completely over or out of the kayak and I still had completely dry hair! I was looking forward to those good hair after pics. That should have been my 3rd warning.

By the end of the river, the majority of the group had gone ahead quite a ways down the river...that's right the 4 Bancrofts were bringing up the rear,ha-ha. We'd worked really hard by that point and felt that letting the river float us the rest of the way was a great reward. Matt and I were a little bit ahead of Tammy and Andrew (does that really surprise anyone who knows us both? Lol.) and were having a nice leisurely conversation (sort of...for us anyway ;)). In fact, Matt and I could no longer see the group ahead or the mom/brother team behind us.

No sooner had we commented on how calm and smooth this particular bend of the river seemed than it picked up speed at a surprising rate. Now, I'm not sure exactly how we got ourselves in this mess but Matt and I somehow ended up headed for the only opening in the bend at the exact same speed and angle only from opposite directions. I noticed, with some concern, that to get to the end of the river, we needed to curve past a bank of rocks with a huge tree growing in the middle of the river, and through a 4 foot wide gap connected to another bank of rocks. We were not going to be able to go through at the same time.

I suggested Matt try and squeeze through first. He thought maybe I should go. I thought I could see how to go without too much trouble and agreed. And here's where we got in trouble. We tried to make a plan. Bancroft family trend: our plans fail. Epically.

We were still discussing the best way to get through the gap when the river picked up speed once again. We were moving pretty quickly now. And I wasn't quite ready. Neither was Matt.

I was trying to angle my kayak just right when I noticed that at the angle Matt was floating, he was probably going to hit the back of my kayak and mess my angle up. I was still trying to figure out to remedy this when the inevitable disaster happened. (Matt would probably like to interject right about now that me trying to figure out angles was the whole problem...considering he was the only reason I passed geometry).

See, I kinda forgot to keep paddling while I was watching Matt and my boat drifted. As I glanced back up, I realized I was about to hit some rather large rocks. I quickly threw my paddle out in front of me thinking that if I could use my paddle to bounce me away from the rocks, then I'd be ok. Ha-ha. Yeah. As you'll see, we Bancrofts had real bad ideas all around about how to use the paddles to our benefit. The paddle flew out of my hand and my boat hit the tree with great speed and force, horrible combination those two.

The impact with the tree threw me out of my boat and I smacked face first into the tree. The tree didn't like this too much, so it threw me into the water. At this point, my kayak lodged on the massive rock and I was now submerged beneath it.

Now the smack from the tree disoriented me a little and I remember opening my eyes and seeing the boat stuck on top of me. You'd think that this would panic me. I remember being alarmed, but thinking, fairly calmly I might add," OK...that boat has to move or I'm in trouble."

After struggling to get the boat to move, I realized that the situation might be a little more serious than I thought. I pushed against it a few times, but the river was very deep and I only succeeded in pushing myself deeper and the boat didn’t move. I was also stuck between the rocks and couldn't see where to get around the boat. This is when I started to panic slightly. I remember telling myself to think and to not start thrashing around in the water or I'd use up my breath.

By then Matt had managed to get to me and the boat was no longer on top of me. But that tree hit me harder than I thought, because the second I bounced up and took a breath I got disoriented again and couldn't tell up from down. I kept trying to turn my face into the water instead of out of it. This resulted in my breathing in a bit of river and I started coughing. The water was in my face and I couldn't see. Frantically I started trying to keep myself floating (you know the drill...c'mon swim lessons...bicycle man!!).

The next thing I know, the back of my head cracked against a rock...or so I thought at the time. Actually, my rock was Matt's attempt at using the paddle to his benefit :). He was trying to get me to grab it so he could pull me to safety. He didn't realize that I couldn't see him. He successfully whacked me on the back of the head.

After the paddle failed him, Matt realized he was going to have to try and grab me or I was going to drown for real. So, somehow, Matt got close enough and made a grab...he got my head. Better than nothing at all I suppose ;). He pulled me up enough to cup my face and keep it out of the water and then got his kayak through the gap and further down the river.

About a minute later, the current slowed down enough for him to grab my arm and position me more safely against the side of the kayak. It was still deep and fairly swift moving water though and I was just gonna have to ride that way.

I think Matt thought I was hysterical at first because I busted out laughing and couldn't stop. Honestly, I had just calmed down and was laughing at how ridiculous the situation was. I'd made it down the ENTIRE FREAKIN' river and wiped out in the last couple miles of the trip. It was pretty funny.

Eventually we made it to a shallow enough part of the river for me to try and stand up and for Matt to try and stop and make sure I was really ok. Some of our group was already waiting there. Apparently, they were just chilling waiting on us and my kayak, hat, paddle, life vest, and shoe (my CHACO!!! I was so happy I hadn't lost it!!) had come FLYING down the river without a person attached. They were waiting to see who and how bad it was. Lol.

As I was standing there thanking Jesus for my life (and my Chaco!) and Matt was explaining what happened to the rest of the group, Andrew and Tammy came floating around the bend. Matt took great joy in informing Andrew that he'd saved the life of his brother's wife.

My husband’s response was somewhere between: Yep, saw that coming and ARE YOU OK?!?!. Tammy's response: Oh my...Courtney...where's your boat? (Classic Tammy :)) Matt also fessed up to the whack on the head and I readily forgave him. I was just glad he'd been there to attempt my rescue. The rest of the family was appropriately concerned/amused and we moved on down the river to the pickup point.

All in all it was a good trip. Tammy says the Fooshee clan wants to make this an annual get together. I think they might be trying to kill me ;). Ok guys, I'm in...but next time...I'm wearing a helmet!!! Screw good hair!