Day 24

I wish that I could change the fact that bipolar disorder is a part of my life.

More to the point, I wish that I could change the fact that I have not had a mom because of this disorder.  I have had to be the parent for both myself and my sister, and sometimes even for my mom since I was in elementary school.  I remember the mom that I used to have when I was really little and I miss her like crazy.  I have had to be a grown up for most of my life.  I have also had to miss out on having a mom be a part of some really special events in my life.  Thankfully, Jesus redeems and I've had wonderful women step up and stand in for me when I needed them.  But, I still miss my mom.  I wish that I didn't have to have such strict boundaries.  I wish that I didn't have to make the decisions I have made in order to be a healthy person and have a healthy(ish) relationship with her.  Sometimes I am incredibly jealous of my friends and their closeness with their moms.  I'm jealous that they've had role models that have taught them to be the women they are today.  Sometimes I just want my own mommy and I HATE that I can't/don't have her.

BUT:  I am incredibly grateful that I have a "mom" to look up to and that Nikki is so willing to share her.  Karon Brown is one of the most incredible women I have ever had the privilege to spend life with.  She is so strong and good and compassionate.  I know she doesn't always feel that way.  Because she's silly and because she's a girl and the enemy likes to tell us that lie.  But I will never be the same because of her influence in my life.  I told Nikki last night that I'm so thankful for Karon because I am not afraid of being a mom someday because of her.  She's been an amazing example of "mom hood" and I will be a good mom someday because she has shown me what it looks like, both with her own kids and with me. 

So even though I wish that I could change my mom, I am so very glad that Jesus gave me two. 
Thank you Nikki for sharing your mama with me.  Karon,  thank you for loving me. 

Day 23

My favorite book is "Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White

This was the first "chapter" book I ever read.  In fact, I think I've probably read this book a hundred times by now, possibly more.  And, yeah, I still cry at the end of it.  EVERY TIME.  I will never forget being introduced to this book by my first-grade teacher, Marilyn Vermillion.  I absolutely loved it.  Marilyn always hated reading the part where Charlotte dies because she would cry, and every year for quite awhile she would ask me to come read that chapter to her classes for her because she knew how much I loved to read, and how much I loved that book.  There are children's books that I remember loving as a little kid, but this is the very first book I remember vividly falling in love with.  I can't wait to read it to my "neices" when they're a little older.  I hope they'll love it as much as I do!

Day 19

Day 19...now this was fun.  I recently found an old picture of me, my sister, and our cousins when we were all little tiny things.  It's fabulous and I couldn't wait to post it.  So here ya go...oh and I'm the one in the middle with the green shirt.  My daddy informed me that he thought I was some little boy he couldn't remember sitting there next to my cousin.  I prefer to think that is because this is a very old picture and it's a little faded.  (Phoebe: consider yourself avenged, please ;) )



From left to right: Shane, Kimberly, Michael, Me, Robert, and Jeron.  Aren't we cute?? :)

It still amazes me that my Meme and Papa used to keep all six of us at once on occasion.  We were messes! I miss those days when we were all always together and getting into all kinds of trouble..actually the boys were always in trouble...I was just usually tagging along watching the trouble.  Time moves swiftly.  I hope we will have more times when we are all together again.  I miss my cousins and as I get older I realize how important they are.

Day 18

Day 18: A picture of my biggest insecurity....

Will I be a good wife??

There ya go folks...that's my biggest insecurity right now.  I wrestle with whether I will make it as a wife.  Will I be a good one?  Will I be a loving one?  Will I be like the wife in Proverbs?  Or will I grow bitter and condescending and pushy and terrible?  Will I be the helpmate my husband needs? Or will I drive him away and build up a bridge between us so far across that neither of us will be willing to cross it again? 

I don't have the answers to these questions.  But I do know that God is good and faithful.  I know that if I can continue to cling to Him it doesn't matter what the question is...the answer is always Him and Him alone.

Day 17

Whew! When I started this journey I did not anticipate how busy I would get with work, school, ministry...good grief.  I'm slowly but surely catching up though...today will be another whirlwind of blogging for as long as I can get it in.  So hang tight.

Day 17 is about something that has made a huge impact on my life recently.  I don't have a picture...mainly because I'm not creative enough to come up with a way to photograph it.  Maybe I should have asked my friend Lynn (photographer extraordinaire...don't believe me?  You should go see my engagement/wedding pics.  Tell me she isn't a genius. I dare you. ;).  Anyway, the thing of which I speak is this: counseling.  Yep.  It's had a HUGE impact on my life. 

Counseling has given me a sense of self back.  Well, the tools I've gained through counseling have anyway.  I feel like I suddenly have a whole repertoire of resources to draw on to handle any situation.  I've started processing my thoughts in a healthy way and acting on them in a healthy way.  I've learned how to allow myself emotions without allowing my emotions to rule me.  I'm learning so much about communication and boundaries.  It has been such a great process for me.

Most importantly, I'm healthy.  Mentally and spiritually.  (I've gotta start working on that physically part again soon.)  I've regained a sense of connection to my community and my Savior.  My relationship with Jesus is steadily getting back to a great place.  I've never felt more attuned to the Spirit than I do right now either. 
And I'm learning to trust Father on a whole new level.

I am so thankful for counseling and my therapist, Lisa.  I'm thankful to my husband and Nikki for supporting me in the decision to seek counseling.  I'm thankful to my Princess Linda for always being so willing to counsel me "on the side" so to speak and reinforce the things I'm learning from Lisa. 

Counseling has been a very good thing.  I think everyone should do it! ;)

Day 16

Day 16 is supposed to be a picture of someone who inspires me.  I don't know if I am inspired by one person entirely, so I decided to go a different route with this one.  I chose to represent authors who have inspired me either with their lives, their work, or their characters...or all of the above.  From the time I was a little girl until now I have been in love with books.  I love to read and I have always wanted to write wonderful stories that would come alive in the hearts and minds of those who read them. 

E.B. White

"Charlotte's Web" by E.B. White is my all time favorite book.  It's the first book that touched me deeply.  I think I was six years old at the time.  But it changed my life.  Not only did I love books, but I suddenly desired to create stories as vivid and heart-wrenching as Charlotte and Wilbur's story.  Mr. White's story sparked the first glint of creativity in my little soul.

Louisa May Alcott

Next, I ate up the "Little Women" books...I adored the March family and followed them through each of the books.  "Jo's Boys" is my favorite.  I devoured everything written by Ms. Alcott with such hunger, my mother wasn't sure what she'd do when I ran out.  (She introduced me to Lucy Maud Montgomery, who I loved, but always went back to Louisa time after time.)

Madeleine L'Engle

One of the first fantasy books I ever read was "A Wrinkle In Time".  From that moment on I was hooked on fantasy.  I wanted more.  I wanted to write it.  It was the epitome of everything I'd ever tried to imagine and I loved it.

Is it any wonder then that I continue to re-read and draw inspiration from the following authors?

C.S. Lewis

Garth Nix

J.K. Rowling

Stephenie Meyer

Neil Gaiman

I still have stories trapped in my head and my heart.  Maybe one day I'll be brave enough (and less critical of myself) to put pen to paper and dream for a public audience.  Maybe.  But, I will always love books and the people who write them.  Because they inspire me to dream. 

Day 15

Something I want to do before I die is collect the passport stamps from the following countries: France, Italy, and Greece.  I have wanted to travel these places for as long as I can remember:

Day 14

I can never imagine my life without him.

Day 13

My favorite band or artist, huh?  I simply don't have one.  I love music and art and I love it so much and so many different genres that I've never been able to settle on an all-time favorite.  I find the beauty in just about all of it.  Kinda boring, but it's the truth.  So no picture this time, sorry.  (What a waste of a blog post).

Day 12

Something I love.   One word: Ministry.  I love serving Jesus.  I love ministering to teenage girls.  I am incredibly blessed to be a part of Bridge416 Student Ministry and I.D. Ministries. 

Converge 2010

Day 11

There is no picture for the thing I hate.  It is invisible.  It happens every day, everywhere.  It happens in our own community.  Our country, home of the brave/land of the free, has become the number one importer of slaves.
Human trafficking is rampant all over the world, but the United States is contributing to the enslavement of men, women, and children in a huge way.  Oklahoma and Texas rank in the top ten of human trafficking high traffic areas. All the major highways run right through us. 
It breaks my heart and makes me sick.  I truly hate this evil.

Check out these websites:
http://oathcoalition.org/
http://www.mercyministries.org/homepage/
http://www.ijm.org/

I hope you will join me in bringing awareness to this issue and find ways to help stop it.  Each of the websites listed above have valuable resources and information related to the cause of ending modern day slavery.

Day 10

Day 10 features a picture of the person I do the most messed up things with.  I'm gonna have to go with one April Coates.  If I'm doing something goofy, semi-dangerous, or even questionable, you can bet she had something to do with it. 
I've wandered the 'hood of OKC with her.  I've eaten things I don't even want to know actually are because she ordered it for me.  I've seen my life flash before my eyes too many times to count while accompanying her on an "adventure". 
In fact, all of these things are why Andrew and I came up with the "April's fault" logic in high school.  We figured out a way to always logically blame April for anything, anywhere.  It's kind of like the "Kevin Bacon" game only without degrees of separation or positive publicity, really.
She's my BFF and I love her. :)

April thinks she's got street cred.

Day 9

Day 9 of 60 is about the person who has gotten me through the most.  I'm going to cheat.  Because there are people who have gotten me through it all.  And ultimately that's because of Jesus.  Since I can't really post an actual picture of Jesus (who was Jewish btw, which means he was dark skinned, dark haired, dark eyed..and a carpenter, which means he was big and strong..I'm just saying!!), I'm going to post a picture of people Jesus uses to touch my life on a regular basis.

My husband

First, my husband, Andrew, is there in the thick and thin of it with me.  I love this man with all my heart and am incredibly thankful for him.  Even when he's ridiculous. ;)

Oh Phoebe :)

Phoebe Kate Barron has seen my best and worst and loves me anyway.  I love every chance I get to spend time with this girl and I LOVE serving Jesus with her.  We have shared a LOT of crazy moments together at camps and on retreats.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. 

Yes, I did steal this from your facebook.  But, I needed it. :)

The Lokeys.  I am forever grateful for this sweet friendship.  Aaron and Nikki have been there for me in ways no one else could.  They supported me and prayed with me through some super dark times.  They've also been there to celebrate with me (and even brought the cupcakes!) too.  I'm thankful for their love and friendship not only to me, but to my family.  They have become my "Jesus family".

I'm incredibly blessed with wonderful friends and family who are there for me no matter what.  There are so many others I'd like to name, but these 4 represent them the best.  They've known me better than most and been there for my darkest moments.

The past year and a half has been incredibly tough for me.  But each of them in their own way have helped me through it.  My husband and Nikki were there to urge me on and help me get help when depression nearly took my life.  They continued to be there in the healing process, along with Aaron and Phoebe.  Each of them have prayed for me and loved me in an unconditional way.  I don't think any of them fully understand how wonderful they are or how instrumental they have been in God's plan for my life.

Andrew is the only person I have ever let in wholly and completely.  Nikki and Aaron were the first people I'd learned to trust in a very long time when they stepped into my life.  Phoebe taught me to love (and patience ;), but mostly love).  I love and respect these people.  They are my family.

Day 8

Day 8 is a picture that makes me laugh.  And this one does.  In fact, it's the homescreen on my iPhone so that I can get to it in a click when I need a smile.  Who wouldn't smile at the antics of Phoebe Kate and Lelia Kate?

Mean Girls pose

Day 7

Day 7 of my 60 day journey: My most treasured item.  It may not be what you expect.  Then again, it may be exactly what some of you may expect ;).
My most treasure item is my Pink Panther. 

Pink Panther

That's right.  He's a stuffed animal.  He was also my very first friend.  I acquired Pink from my Daddy during a trip to the store (Wal-Mart, I think...).  Apparently I was crying and my Dad did that thing that all new parents do and then immediately learn their lesson about.  He grabbed the first toy off the shelf and handed it to me. 
Now, I was only about as big as Pink Panther at the time, but my Daddy says it was love at first sight, touch, chew, etc.   Of course, I quieted down and when they were checking out, Dad unsuccessfully tried to detach Pink from me.  Needless to say, I wailed and the checker looked at my Dad like he was murdering me, my mom proclaimed she'd told him so, and I got a new best buddy.
Pink Panther and I have been together since I was just a few months old.  That's a long time folks.  He's been to a ton of places with me and only suffered a few minor accidents.  He's going "blind" and no longer has stuffing in his neck (I used carry him in the crook of my arm around the neck), and there's yellow stitching on his hiney from a small operation Dr. Mom performed when I was about 2 or 3.
I've rescued him from the cat, the dog, an apartment fire, and my "niece" (who I now have to hide him from because I'm afraid she'll love him too much and I won't be able to give him to her).   He still goes to Falls Creek with me and just about any other trip that lasts for more than a couple days.  And you better believe the second Andrew's out the door on a trip, Pink, reclaims his spot on and in the bed, right along with Sophie-cat (who is still bitter about being banished to the laundry room at night).
I know what you're thinking.  Yes, I do realize that he's just a stuffed animal and I'm an adult.  That doesn't mean he can't be my very best friend forever or that I'm a grown up.  So there.
Besides, I still haven't quite given up on my "Christopher Robin/ Velveteen Rabbit" theory.  You know, my Pink must have a little garden with a lovely little panther cave somewhere around here where he lives and plays when I'm not available.  Or perhaps when I have loved him as much and long as I can, he'll be granted a real life as a real panther someday.  ;)
To tell you the truth, Pink Panther is my childhood all wrapped up in worn, pink cloth.  In him are all my hopes and dreams, my tears and fears.  He holds my secrets, silly and not so silly.  He heard all my childish prayers and stands witness to my answers.  He's not just a stuffed animal to me.  He's a symbol of who I am and who I am going to be. 

And, I am not afraid to admit that I love him very much, that silly old Pink.

Day 6

Hmmm...who would I trade places with for an entire day?  I don't know!! I am so about being true to myself in every way that this is hard to imagine for me.  I know plenty of people I'd love to meet or hang out with for a day, but trading places?  That's tough.  I guess if I were it would purely to just be one of the funnest and funniest people I know...so...I choose either one of the Lokey girls.  They are pretty much the coolest, so I wouldn't mind harnessing some of that cool factor/energy/comedic timing/creativity for a day.
I mean...they're obsessed with Star Wars...who wouldn't want to be Yoda or Leia, haha!

I'd love to be a Lokey girl for a day...or a Star Wars character...same, same. ;)

Day 5

Day 5 is a picture of my favorite memory.  Honestly, I don't know that I have an all-time favorite memory.  I have a lot of them.  So instead of picking one, I decided to show you who the mostly likely culprits of creating great memories with would be.  Enjoy.



Lots of great memories get made with this guy.



I love every moment I get with these two kiddos.  I hope to get plenty of memories with baby brother too!



Aw, I love this girl and there's always a good time to be had.  Miss Lindsey is repping all my girls from FBC here.  There are just too many of them to put pics up, plus this one was in London.  London is most def one of my favorite memories and the fact that I got to serve there at the same time Linds did was so cool.





Oh, Nikki Lokey and Phoebe Kate.  You ladies make my heart smile.  They are def at the center of some crazy amazing times.  I'm also letting them rep for my I.D. Ministries buddies here too.  I laugh more and smile more with I.D. Ladies than anyone else.





Karon!! This amazing woman continues to light up my life by stepping up and being there for me constantly.  When I need someone, I know she's there.  Thank you, Lord, for my "Jesus Mama".



The BFFs.  April (on right) and Angela (on left).  SO MANY MEMORIES!!! LOL.  I love every one them too! (Execept for maybe that time Angela removed my freckle when we were playing "doctor" in second grade.  That was traumatic.   It was also the only time I ever played "doctor". )

So there you have it.  Some of my favorite people to make memories with.  Not quite what the Day required, but that's what it got. :)



Day 4

I'm a little behind on my postings but I will catch up...you may have several in a row today! Day four's post was about my night.  Day 4 would have been Friday night and I spent it with hundreds of teenagers worshipping God.  It was a pretty sweet night.

Day 4: Unite Now Worship

Day 3

Today's 60 day post is about the cast of my favorite T.V. show.  (See, I told you some would be silly! ;) )


Day 3: The cast from my favorite show.

Ok.  I admit it, I'm a HUGE Syfy nerd! One of my favorite shows of all time is Stargate: SG-1.  I'm huge fan of all of the Stargate shows, but SG-1 holds a special place because it was the first.  I chose to depict the 4 main members of the cast, but all of the supporting cast are equally wonderful in so many ways.  I absolutely love the show, but I love even more what a family this cast became because of the show.  If you look at each of their projects, the other members of the SG cast are supportive in one way or another, from making guest appearance to collaborative efforts, to plugging shamelessly for their friends. 
Amanda Tapping played Dr./Major (Her rank increased the longer the show ran, but she started out as Major, I think.) Samantha Carter.  What an amazingly talented and lovely person!  I've follwed her career over to her new show, Sanctuary, where she plays the main character, Dr. Helen Magnus.  Another great show, but that wasn't my point.  I began to pay attention to her personally and as a result the other cast memebers from SG-1.  Amanda along with her Sanctuary cast is soooo involved with so many charities and very active in bringing awareness to some incredibly worthy causes.  I dare you to check out their charity Sanctuary4Kids.  So cool.
Anyway, the more I learned about who the people were who portrayed some of my favorite fictional people, the more it made me love that show where it all began, Stargate SG-1.  It also made me especially love Amanda Tapping.  She seems to be the glue that holds their little family together.  I can see why.  She is so sweet and approachable in her interviews...but check this out: She actually interacts with her fans!! Who does that anymore? I can count a handful of celebs who actually take the time to do that.
So there you go.  I'm a nerd.  I like it. :)

Day 2

Today is all about the person I've been closest to the longest.

Angela & me

Angela and I have been best friends since first grade.  That's 21 years folks.  21.  Just to give you some perspective on that:  I'll be 27 in March.  We've pretty much been through it all together and then some.  She's my biggest fan and my hero.  There is no one more compassionate or gentle.  She's also funny, genuine, and ornery.  We are so much alike sometimes that it's ridiculous but we are also complete opposites at the same time.  She gives the best hugs and advice.  We never run out of things to say to each other and we can make each other laugh so hard that Angela snorts ;).  I love her like family and can't imagine ever not having her in my life.  Love you, Angela!!